I have been a caregiver all of my life.  I was a nanny in California and New York.  Then I started working in a hospital as I was finishing my nursing degree.  I worked as a nurse at OHSU for 10 years and then moved to West Yellowstone, MT to work as a nurse practitioner.   And now, as crazy as I am, I am still continuing my education.  I am getting my psychiatric certification and doctoral degree.  I just want to be the best medical provider that I can be.

Of course, trying to be my best doesn't mean that I don't screw things up.  I am human.  I make mistakes.  Sometimes my patients love me and sometimes my patients hate me.  But I hope people know that beyond all of that, I am truly trying to be the best person and medical provider that I can be.

It is hard being on the other side as the person who needs help.  I have had people ask me about a GoFundMe account for months, and I have held off as long as I could.  Once I decided to take a leave of absence from work, I finally gave in and let my friends know that it was time to move forward.  So for those of you who have donated, I Thank You from the bottom of my heart.  And some of you have already donated and helped in so many ways outside of GoFundMe, and I am so grateful for all you have done.

So why did I take a leave of absence from work?  Well, first thing is that the long days were really making things difficult for me.  My oncologists were asking me to work shorter days, but that just isn't possible to do in West Yellowstone during the summer.  I was also seeing an uptick in Covid cases in the clinic.  Many of the people I was seeing were unvaccinated tourists, but we have had some breakthrough cases of people who were vaccinated.  I was vaccinated in January/February and I know that protects me from hospitalization or death from Covid, but the chemo compromises my immune system and I just don't know what Covid would do to me right now.

I have been trying to manage my frustration when people refuse to get vaccinated against Covid.  People trust me with a lot as their primary care provider---but when I discuss the safety of the vaccines or reasons why it is important to get vaccinated, people don't trust what I have to say.  And then I asked myself why I was putting myself at risk by exposing myself to sick patients.  As a member of the community,  why couldn't other members vaccinate themselves to help protect me?  The frustration turned to sadness.  

The vaccine protects you from Covid and the variants.  It doesn't mean that you won't ever get Covid.  We have seen breakthrough cases in vaccinated people and those people have had mild cases compared to unvaccinated people.  So please, if there is one thing you can do to help me as I battle cancer and deal with chemo and radiation, please get vaccinated.  I am counting on you to protect me in my immunocompromised state, and I need that more than any GoFundMe donation.  My kids already have a fear that I am going to die from cancer.   I don't want them to fear my death from Covid.

And chemo?  Well, it is kicking my ass.  I have two more rounds to go and I am at the point where I question whether I can continue doing this.  I have neuropathy (numbness, tingling, burning, weakness) in my hands and feet from the chemo (Taxol).  The neuropathy feels like nothing compared to the pain I get about a day after my chemo is given.  The pain hurts every muscle, bone and joint in my body.  It is intense and difficult to control.  After the first dose of the Taxol, I made two trips to the ER for pain management.  After this last round, I only had to go one time.  Nothing seems to touch the pain and it is very frustrating.  It lasts about six days before going away completely.  My muscles are atrophying and I have a hard time standing for long periods.  The good news?  I have lost weight!  The bad news?  They tell me that fat will replace the atrophied muscles.  That is not what you're supposed to say to the fat girl!   But once this is all over, I will be able to work on getting into shape.  I will get my muscle strength back and kick those fat cells to the curb.  And the best news?  I can use some of that fat for my new boobs!  Okay, that is a ways down the road, but still a very real possibility  :)

That's it for now my friends.  I so appreciate the way the community has stepped up to help my family and me.  My friends are amazing and I get daily reminders of that.  I obviously did something right in my life to be where I am today.