If you care to read, just pour a hot cup of coffee and settle in:

(FYI - This photo was taken while I was in the midst of great struggle. The irony of the blanket and the juxtaposition of the inner vs outer is why it goes with this monologue below. Struggle doesn't always show on the outside.)

One week ago this morning around this time, I woke from a medicated sleep in my hospital room. It felt like I was teleported into the room and paranoia set in. My nurses were ‘conspiring against me’ and I began to make phone calls and send texts to people I trusted to come and help me. 

I checked myself into the hospital for postpartum depression the night before knowing that I needed HELP. I never FELT depressed. I felt OVERWHELMED, but who wouldn’t given the life I have chosen and a newborn baby? 

I have fought to have this little guy and my love for him, my daughter and my husband is literally euphoria. That’s how my body manifested the postpartum. In addition to being on a constant high (Erica on cocaine or ecstasy ALL THE TIME) I wasn’t sleeping - I was trying EVERYTHING to get good sleep, but, again - who actually gets good sleep with a newborn? This has been going on for 3 months.

My struggle this past week has been #REAL. I wanted to let you know that the immediate needs have been met. I am on mood stabilization meds and now I feel a little more like myself. My sweet husband has been a rock star. Shane Peterman, ladies and gentlemen, is the real deal. 

We are learning a new normal in our home because in addition to the postpartum depression, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 (PLUS some other things that I just don’t understand yet, so I will wait to post on that - just know it’s the perfect storm and it’s a #miracle that I didn’t do something that would have broken my family’s hearts). 

Who knew I was the imbalanced type? Turns out I just cycle in the stratosphere- so I am learning what it feels like to feel the deep darkness. It scares me. I hate it. But with every wave or sledgehammer, I learn how to cope, how to play the game and how to kick the darkness’s a$$. I am very competitive and I am already winning. 

That’s all the time and energy I have to post today. We are so grateful for our amazing community of support. Words fail. Just know that we are praying at each meal in gratitude that it somehow showed up at our door. Thank you for the words of encouragement and for sharing your stories of struggle with me. 

The first step to freedom from YOUR struggle in your life (and everyone struggles, and the struggle is REAL) is to ASK FOR HELP. In our culture, that is looked on as weakness. Let’s change the ending of our story as a culture and share our struggles with one another. What the HELL else good is Facebook for? YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! 

Transparency + Asking For Help = Growth, but sometimes it saves your life. 

“I asked for HELP. What’s your SUPER POWER?” - Erica Peterman (#BadAssMom)