Hi Beloved Friends and Family!

It has been some time- but I always have so many ideas for this post- so am never far away 😊

We’ve had lots of obstacles coupled with lots of blessings- and I’ve learned it takes the obstacles to appreciate the blessings.

Medical Update- I’m doing great. My treatment is working, my breast and lymph node ultrasound show the cancer is shrinking and my oncologist believes I’ll be in the 60% of women with triple negative breast cancer who come out of surgery NED “No evidence of disease”. I want to believe that, but also realize it’s God’s will and I cannot  will myself to be in that 60%. I graduated from my 12 weeks of weekly taxol/carbo/Keytruda infusions and am now every 3 weeks with doxorubicin/cyclophosphamide/Keytruda – AKA “Red Devil”- I wanted to believe it was called Red Devil because it was red- but it is a devilish drug, too. I have lots of meds that help with side effects, a friend whose an NP who helps me know the right way to “flood my nausea receptors” and is an expert on chemo nausea- Right? How’d I get so lucky to have a friend like that?!?!? 

If chemo stays on course, I’ll have my double mastectomy July 26- but that may be pushed back if my counts are safe and chemo has to be pushed back. I have 2 rounds of chemo left to complete the full 3 months and 16 infusions. That will put me about 130 hours in the chemo chair all said and done.

As many of you know,  Blaine had a follow-up surgery to remove part of his colon after his appendectomy on April 30. He was in the hospital 5 days, is out, recovering and doing great. His pathology has been all clear and we’ve never been more grateful for his health. This is the type of obstacle that lifts the veil-  I was able to spend the night in the hospital after his surgery and had a true sense of peace that although hard- we were where we are supposed to be.

I am learning that relinquishing the control I’ve worked so hard to maintain – allows space for His will.

I cannot complain- but I can also say- that if I did NOT have cancer- I would not have created space for this type of knowing. I would have worked all day – embracing the narrative and cultural lesson that we are worth what we produce. That’s not a narrative a subscribe to any longer- and I’ve noticed I have more enthusiasm and excitement for my work. What I give is higher quality. My relationship with my kids is more authentic. My relationship with my students is more authentic.  

This work is the most important of my life and although hard, I welcome these lessons Cancer brings to me and how those lessons infiltrate all I do- in a good way.

I’ve always known there are universal human truths- and I’ve sought these truths in some of the hardest, most remote places,  and witnessed people suffering utmost- in Tanzania, Uganda, and rural Costa Rica.  I’ve always come home and returned back to my life- the need for it to be precisely planned and each step executed. I would crave the “flow state” again- and feel the need to go away- as remote as possible. It was being stripped down, but more baring witness to the lessons you learn watching others stripped down- and how people remain grateful despite suffering. I wanted what I witnessed others had amidst their own suffering, but felt I was always on the outside looking in. That despite suffering, one could live with dignity, love, humor and still care for others amidst their own strife- I craved it and kept returning.

Being stripped down myself- now is my chance to integrate all of this I’ve craved and witnessed in my early adult years. I feel the shift and am better for it. I will never regret having Cancer. It’s allowed me to embody the lessons I sought and traveled remotely to obtain.  I do hope to travel, perhaps with students, to guide the life changing aspect of travel with a new shift towards embodiment of such an experience.

I’ve had a visit from each of my sisters, Cheshire cousins and uncles for Liv’s first communion, Oliver graduated from Kindergarten and Gil from 5th grade- onto middle school.  My mother- in -law spent the month of May, and I write this from Scottsdale, AZ visiting Nana at her home. I was able to schedule my infusion so I could “hood” the brilliant doctoral student I advised in the College of Nursing graduation ceremony.  My mom arrives in 2 days and will take Gil to NC for a week. My local friends have helped get the kids to their sports, appointments and this provides the space for my body to rest/heal. The meals are so helpful.  The continued blessings and outpour of cards, texts and prayers, are so lifting and I pour through them when the red devil dictates a rest day!

The college of nursing wrote this article and asked to interview me- at the very end- I sum it all up that prayer- prayer cannot be underestimated- so I thank you for your prayers. It is what lifts me on the hard days and helps me continue to glimpse through the veil and embody the universal human truths. Here's the link: 

https://news.cuanschutz.edu/nursing/managing-energy-levels-during-a-cancer-diagnosis