Wow, the Summer of 2018 forever will be memorable for me…. Endometrial cancer and breast cancer in the same month.  A hysterectomy and breast lumpectomy within three weeks of each other.  Three weeks of radiation.  It may be a record.  At least for me it is - I’ve never really been sick much my whole life.  Oh, I had the inevitable chicken pox and measles growing up, and one bout of mono in high school due to my own questionable judgment at a church youth group lock-in….  

But before this I definitely hadn’t been in the hospital except for two very joyful and healthy childbirths, and one accidental fall.  None of which was I sick.  

And now all this.  Yet as of Tuesday, September 4, 2018, I had my 16th of 16 radiation treatments – so it is all mostly behind me.  I still have to take an aromatase inhibitor (estrogen blocker) pill every day for the next 5-10 years.  But officially I am cancer-free!  By the infinite, unfathomable, glorious grace of God.  I’m humbled and grateful beyond words.  I can’t even…. 

Actually, it’s still kind of a blur, a surreal fog I’ve been feeling my way through, and carried by the arms of Jesus, my precious family, and such a beautiful, amazing, thoughtful community of friends.  Your love, support, prayers, words of encouragement, cards, meals, texts, flowers, gifts, hugs – all mean the world to me – thank you so much.  

So what did I learn this summer? 

May 7, 2018 was my very first preliminary doctor’s appointment. I had finally made time to check on a very minor and annoying symptom and I fully expected my new OB/GYN to say, “Oh, it’s nothing.”  Like every other test or doctor visit I’ve ever had.  But she didn’t.  She called for another test – the next day.  And then a biopsy – two days later.  So that same week, since I already had been to the doctor three times (a lifetime record for me….up to that point), on Friday, May 11th I decided glibly, “Well, it’s just my ‘medical week’ – I should go ahead and have my annual mammogram too!”  Famous last words….  

So, after my May 10th uterine biopsy, the waiting began – and little did I know how many more upcoming times I again would have excruciating days of waiting to hear life-changing test results – After my breast biopsy on May 29th - Is it cancer again?  Then, after my hysterectomy surgery on June 4th and again after my breast lumpectomy on June 26th – Did they get it all?  Are the margins clear?  Are the lymph nodes clear? Do I have to have chemo? Radiation? Sigh.  

I know that almost all of you reading this also have experienced this type of waiting where life is hanging in the balance – either for yourself, a friend or family member.  It’s so difficult - terrifying, and definitely brought me to my knees….and to tears….and to sleepless nights….and to praying again. 

And then God shows up.  

My Jesus Calling devotional entry for May 7th included Psalm 23:4 as one of the Bible readings and, knowing I had that first doctor’s appointment that afternoon, reading it took my breath away – 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…. ~ Psalm 23:4 

I wrote in my journal that morning, “What??  Is this a prophecy??”  

And then it was.  

When we wait on important test results or hear the dreaded words, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Carpenter, but your biopsy shows cancer….”  TWICE…. we stare death in the face.  So, after we feel faint, catch our breath, maybe shed some tears, the next absolutely crucial thing we need to do is turn our gaze to the God of the Universe, who holds our life – and our death – in His hands, and remember that nothing can touch us, and nothing can take us out until He is darn good and ready. Boom. 

Yes, but it’s so hard. 

I hate to admit it, but I am a glass-half-empty girl – my innate tendency is to notice what’s NOT right.  Oh yes, sometimes I comfort myself with the rationalization of, “I’m a fixer – that’s what makes me a good counselor….”  Except maybe it’s really that I just struggle with trusting God….  

So, as is my way, that May 7th morning of my very first doctor’s appointment when I read Psalm 23:4, I zeroed in like a laser on the word “death.”  But finally I went back and noticed that the REST of the verse is God’s promise of comfort, protection and peace, even in the midst of the trial (I know it from memory in the King James Version) ~ 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.  Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.  ~ Psalm 23:4 (KJV) 

I remembered that this Psalm begins with comparing the Lord to a shepherd, so the metaphors of rod and staff are also tied in to the shepherd idea.  And King David, the writer of Psalm 23, spent the first years of his life working as a shepherd, so he knew intimately what this comparison really meant.  As shepherds cared for their sheep, they used the rod to fight off attackers like wolves and thieves (protecting), and they used the staff to corral the sheep, even to pull one back who was straying or getting lost (guiding, caring, rescuing). 

Later, Jesus, a descendant of King David, continued the metaphor and image by describing Himself as our Shepherd.  That’s beautiful.  

Because also there is the all-important phrase for us to remember when we are walking through any dark valley – 

You are with me.  

So…. when we can let it sink in that God promises He will protect us, guide us, rescue us, and be with us always – caring for us as tenderly and carefully as a shepherd cares for his flock of sheep, we can endure the valley with more peace and reassurance that our life is in His hands and we can actually say ~ 

I will fear no evil.  

So….what did I learn this summer? So many things!  But one of the recurring themes is this ~ 

We can have Peace in the Midst….in the Valley….in the Shadow.  Even before we have the answers or the healing or the resolution.  Or even after we get the answers and they are not what we had hoped for. 

I learned that God is with us = peace.  

And it’s real.  I’m here to tell you, I’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death….and I felt God being with me.  And I imperfectly but genuinely at times truly felt peace in the midst.  I pray you will, too. 

I also was reminded that God is amazing, powerful, gentle, attentive, cares about every detail, loves us even when we don’t deserve it – and truly can move our mountains and part the waters for us.  And he will for you, too. 

So here is one of my favorite songs, which beautifully describes what I learned and experienced this Summer 2018 ~ 

All This Time, by Britt Nicole ~ https://youtu.be/HmTGLdSW5Sw
…….

All this time
From the first tear cried
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time 

Ever since that day
It's been clear to me
That no matter what comes
You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring 

Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You're the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story 

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe?
Well I'm not the same me
And I saw the proof I need
I felt Love I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day 

All this time
From the first tear cried
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time