I'm not big on Resolutions in the new year. I believe that any day is a good day to make changes. It's been 1 year and 8 months since my Leukemia diagnosis. Before we left for Christmas vacation this past December 2022 I told my husband when we get back I am hitting it hard again to get back to healthy and working out. I started easing back into working out by signing up for a Bootcamp at the local Crossfit Box before Christmas break, and when we were preparing to leave to vacation I cleaned out tons of junk food from our pantry. Our daughters are ticked that there isn't 'any food' in the house, but I know my weaknesses and I needed it gone.  Through this journey I have gained 60 pounds, some from chemotherapy, some from my knee surgery before chemo, and some in the time I have recovered. It sucks! But you see I waited to go full bore towards my fitness goals again to allow myself to heal....

Healing.... I pride myself on being the most honest person you will ever know... sometimes to a fault. So this is me being open and honest about this journey. I needed this past year to heal, not just physically with the medications and maintenance chemo, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I never talk to anyone about how I am really doing on these fronts, these are my crosses to bear and no one elses. I don't need to be rescued or pep talked or enlightened, and I still don't. I am now at a place where I can share what the journey has been like for me. All the feels, fears and anger.  

I have struggled with this new normal for me. Facing your mortality is freaking hard! Not knowing when your time will come, but knowing that the precious minutes are ticking by is scary and can really mess you up. I am fucking scared to die! Now I am not saying I am going to as I am still in remission and doing well, but knowing that I could is scary! It has taken me quite some time to accept that I could have died, I could still die, and I have no control over it. This has caused major anxiety in me... Like I have panic attacks daily when I would think and worry about it. Shocking right! No one knew or could tell. It was emotionally draining to try and be positive all the time about this fight, I have 4 daughters that need me and a husband that I think needs me. I couldn't let them know my struggle and my fears, I had to be strong for them.  So I dealt with this on my own quietly in private I would cry at the possibilities that could happen that I couldn't control.  The anxiety with every blood draw, biopsy and appointment took me to a part of myself that I never thought I would experience. I was like a little child hiding in a dark corner because the boogey man was coming out of the closet. Petrified with the unknown, and then given results and feeling the relief that things are still looking good. When I get close to those days of my monthly chemo blood work or my biopsy I have noticed emotionally I am a horrible person. I lose my cool more often with the ones I love, I want to hide from my friends, I don't want to go into work for the fear of having to 'fake' being happy. It is all the anxiety that is attached to the unknown. 

But... the healing continues... I have not fully gotten rid of the anxiety, the fear, or the emotional mess I have become, but I am trying to heal from it. This is the next step, sharing what I have been through. I am not seeking or eliciting comments of support, but to raise awareness for others when faced with journeys that are not planned. To know that under all the facade things may not be ok, and to realize that if you or the person in the journey is not ok, its part of the journey and that is what will help you heal.  I am not perfect, and I am not a victim. I have an unfortunate life experience that royally messed me up. 

Now the spiritual side of this has been even more difficult. I'd say I am a pretty devote person. I believe in God and I also believe in prayer. When I was first sick I prayed for healing, I prayed for hope, and I prayed for guidance. Man did I feel let down though. I questioned why, why did I get sick when I was the healthiest I had been in years, why did I have no symptoms, why did God Abandon me? The funny thing is God doesn't always provide us what we ask for, very rarely does he. Often times what we ask for is found in the lessons we learn in our experiences. Now, I don't know if God is responsible for these lessons or if it is part of the grand design, but sometimes these lessons suck and make you feel lost and alone. I got angry with him, I stopped questioning why and I started to ignore the signs he was still there. Beside me sometimes, carrying me other times. Blessing me in little ways, ways I didn't see because I was angry because I felt alone. It took a hard slap in the face for me to wake up so to speak.  It took me looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself anymore. I was lost, I lost who I am. So I decided to find that me again. 

My healing is not complete but I am on the right path towards that goal. I still struggle with fear and anxiety, I have a 6 month bone marrow biopsy January 20th, and I am scared shitless for the results. I feel good and I have no reason to think it will be bad, but its that anxiety of the unknown.  My healing includes the raw and painful emotions on this journey. Sharing when I feel I can and knowing that it is ok to hold them in to deal with on my own, but knowing that I need to allow myself to feel them.  

So when you see me and you think I have it all together and made this cancer/Leukemia journey look easy, it has been far from easy. I hurt daily, feel like crap, have horrible side effects that plague me, but know I will not let this get in my way of living. The physical pain and part of this was and is the easy part for me, its the other aspects that are taking sometime, but I am moving in the right direction.  So, as I heal you will see more of my crazy fitness posts, comments, food pic (because I love to cook and cooking healthy is a passion), and I promise to share the hardships occasionally too. I won't hide the worst parts of me all the time anymore. So if you see me crying like a baby, just know its not you its me and my healing. 

Take care! Hug your loved ones! Remember its ok not to be ok.