Came to work today. Have to do something to distract from this sadness that encompasses my whole being.  I have been a nurse for over 25 years and pride myself on caring for my patients and taking care of the whole patient from emotional to external/internal needs. With some of them today I feel an even closer bond. Can't bring myself to talking about this monster inside me with any of my cancer patients. I used to only assume I knew the fear that they must have, no I know it better.
When I worked for hospice many of my patients were cancer victims. I remember with clarity the abdominal tumors that were protruding from them, I don't want to be one of these patients.
I want to survive this.... I am so very terrified