The Data:

Last week I had my first CT scan since beginning chemotherapy.  We met with my oncologist Wednesday morning prior to the beginning of my fourth cycle of chemotherapy.  The results strongly suggest that the cancer has not grown nor spread.  Officially no change in the tumor size.  My oncologist stated that sometimes he can tell from the CT scan if tumor cells are dead.  He was not able to make a determination from my scan.  Basically, the scan was good news based on the primary  goal of treatment  being to keep the cancer in check.   The cancer has not grown nor spread in the past four months.  I interpret that as gaining four months of life with this terminal illness.  I have been pursuing a "second opinion" (really more like a consult) from a Pancreatic cancer specialist from Froedtert/medical college of Wisconsin.  Their top surgeon called me Wednesday afternoon after going over my scan.  He is going to bring my case up with their whole team this coming Friday.  I am also waiting to hear from the Mayo Clinic about a clinical trial.  I was told they would call me once they had a chance to review my scan.

I continue to experiencing extreme fatigue as the main side effect from chemotherapy.  I get my infusion on Wednesday mornings and mostly sleep in the afternoon.  We call Thursdays "steroid Thursdays" because I get infused with steroids prior to the chemo - I'm wired (but tired) on Thursdays!  By Friday the steroids are metabolized out of my system and it is like being hit by a Mack truck.  Fridays I pretty much sleep all day and feel like i have a bad flu.  Fridays are really hard!  When I wake up on Saturday the "flu" has passed.  I make the best out of Saturday - Tuesday and repeat the cycle.  Lots of naps.  The chemo attacks fast growing cells, so not only does it attack the cancer cells but also skin cells, hair cells, and digestive tract cells.  So, I have some digestive issues, but nothing severe.  I continue to be able to eat (and enjoy eating), my weight is stable, I exercise about 5 days per week, and get some things done on my "to do" list in between my naps.  Sleep is hit or miss.  When I get a good night sleep, the next day goes better.  Keep winning each day!

The human experience:

The acute stress of this situation has definitely transitioned into a new rhythm of life as Kathy and I (along with our kids and other family and loved ones) have adjusted to this reality.  Exhaustion is fairly constant.   I'm tired of being sick.  I miss my old life.  There are times Kathy and I can forget I'm dying, but the reality of this disease is ever present.  Sitting next to her on the couch a few weeks back I thought, "she's the reason I'm going to beat the odds."   It is wonderful to have her as my partner.  I am go grateful.   On our walks we get to see our pup's "best friends" (the children on the way) who are always so happy to see Hobbes as he is to see them.  Neighbors.  Small pleasant experiences.  In the midst of this "shadow of death" there is life, there is love, there is good, there is peace.  God is love.  Find your gold nuggets in the mess of life.   Grateful to have today.   Grateful to have each of you.  Thank you!

I'll post again around cycle five unless I get some important news from the clinical trial or my consult on Friday.