My long-time friend of fifty years, Irene Hall, became a widow a month after I became one. We both find it very hard to accept that title. No longer a Mrs. I guess we are now relegated to Ms.

We have just returned from a 6-night cruise in the Caribbean. We sailed to Bimini, and Coco Cay, Bahamas and Grand Cayman Island. We never got off the ship. We enjoyed quiet time, talking about our lives, our future, our past, our memories, our disappointments, regrets, and so much more. One minute we were laughing hysterically at some silly thing we did or remembered and the next minute one or both of us were in tears. It’s an emotional roller coaster for the two of us and probably will be for a long time.

It was hard that first day on the ship, to reconcile that Daniel wasn’t  there to enjoy this with me. We both loved cruising and usually took at least one a year, sometimes including other 48 Days fans with us. I have several nice pieces of jewelry Dan bought me for various anniversaries, the last one, a year ago, was a beautiful emerald and diamond ring that I cherish now.

Every so often, it hits me hard. Like when I see other older couples holding hands or sitting at a table eating together and I realize those days are over for me. We aren’t growing old together as we had planned and when I remember, the tears often flow. I don’t, at all, resent that other couples have one another, but I grieve that I will no longer grow old with the love of my life.

As soon as we boarded the Celebrity Beyond, I wanted to let Daniel know how incredible this ship was. The largest I have ever been on. The entertainment, the dining, the beautiful art was astounding. He would have loved it. But he will no longer share these or any other experiences with me. It would be easy to give up and live a quiet and sedate life without having an experience like this, but I know that isn’t what he would want, and I know that if I did, I would easily fall into depression. Our husbands talked about us doing a cruise or a destination vacation away after they no longer were here…and we definitely needed it. We have been through a lot.

Irene and I had a good time, needing most to get away from everything at home and not having to make decisions that are difficult and painful. In fact, we were so desperate to have relief from the demands being put on us as new widows that we couldn’t even make decisions about what we wanted to do on the ship. So, we didn’t do much. We laid in the sun, read our Kindles, played some card games, and talked a lot. And we cried together. We took a break from decision-making and that included deciding what to do next. We seemed incapable. We took naps. Both of us have been exhausted. Not just physically. The emotional and mental exhaustion of going through the pain we have experienced is hard to understand unless you have gone through this kind of loss.

It is good to have someone who understands totally how I am feeling and what I am thinking and who is patient when the tears come. We have each other’s backs and that is a very good thing. We joke that between the two of us, we might have one functioning brain. We needed this break. There is no place I feel God’s presence more than when I am in the middle of the ocean, with no land in sight. The vastness of God’s beauty touches my soul when I experience the sun shining on the water and the moon’s reflection at night, like a spotlight shining down from above.

You would have enjoyed this cruise, Daniel. I wish I could have shared it with you.