Journal entry by Daniel Edmunds —
Hi, my name is Daniel Edmunds. I'm 33 years of age and this is my journey so far.
1st April 2019
So it's April fools day, and today is the day that my life changed for ever. I was in work. A job I absolutely loved. A job I finally found that I was good at. Im a lift engineer. I went in to work feeling fine. Nothing different to any other day. My job for the day was to install a stairlift. The lift was a big lift, 2 man job, but could be done with just 1 man. As I was the only engineer in wales, unless needed, I done everything alone. As I unloaded the van, I felt a bit tired and dizzy. Was this because its first thing in the morning or because I'm a large man. At first, I put it down to both. As I unpack the lift and start putting the bits in to place, the lovely homeowner offered me a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich. I didn't want to sound ungrateful, so I said yes. The lady gave me my tea and sandwich and off she went. I'm sat on the bend of the stairs, up the top, back facing down the stairs. All of a sudden, bang, im frozen. I can feel my lips smacking together, I have no control over my body. After 20-30 seconds, im so confused. I dont know where I am, who I am, what I'm doing. All I seem to focus on is this bacon sandwich. I start eating it, still dazed and confused, thinking, is this even my sandwich. I come back to the room and thought to myself, what the hell just happened then. She mustve put something in my brew. Around an hour or so later, im sat on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, wiring the lift. I can feel my right side of my face starting to drop. I'm thinking, I'm having a stroke here. I feel my face and to my surprise, im soaking wet. My face is wet, my top is wet, I've been sat there for a while dribbling and didn't even know. Thank god the customer didn't come out and see me. Again, after a short time, I felt OK. That evening, I got home from work and explained everything to my wife. She convinced me to go to A&E just to be safe. After a few little tests and chats, I was given a leaflet on epilepsy and told I had been referred as urgent and should be seen within 2 weeks.
21st April 2019
So it's been 3 weeks since all this has happened and still no referral. 3 weeks off work with no pay. Were due to go on holiday at the start of May. I decided to go to the gp and see if I can go back to work. After my appointment, my gp had said, because of the nature of my job and the fact I'm a big man. He will say that blood pressure played a part and it was OK to go back to work. He recommended that I keep my referral open just to be on the safe side.
1st May 2019
So today is the day we have a family holiday to Tunisia. Still no sign of the referral letter but thats not going to stop me enjoying this holiday. Maybe it'll be on the mat when we get back and we can go from there.
15th May 2019
So were back from our holiday. Food was hit and miss, the entertainment was OK, but all in all, it was lovely to be with the family and have fun. But still no referral.
June 2019
So after numerous phone calls, im still no closer in finding out whats happening. I keep getting told different time scales in which appointments are sent. Its gone from 2 weeks to 2 months and still nothing.
July 2019
So its been 3 months since my weird event. I've not had anything since. No other weird symptoms, I'm working, enjoying myself with my wife and daughter and my son growing in the oven. I said to my wife, I feel horrible the fact that I'm having this appointment and its just my blood pressure. She said to keep it just incase. A few days later, end of July, its here, the referral letter. My appointment was with an epileptic consultant in August. A part of me is glad its come. Not bad, from a 2 week emergency referral to waiting over 4 months. I visit my mum with my wife and daughter. I fill her in with the appointment time and date etc. After a couple of hours, we head home. Im driving down the road and bang, it hits me. I have this weird feeling again. I'm behind the wheel, I have no control over my body. All I know is that I'm lip smacking again. Apart from that, I have no control over my body. I can hear my wife screaming, Daniel, whats going on? I somehow managed to miss an island in the middle of the road, come to a safe stop and relax. I come around and got the wife to drive. Again, I didnt know what was happening, why it was happening. All I could think of on the way home was, I could've injured my 4 year old daughter, my wife and unborn son. That felt worse inside than what was happening to me.
August 2019
Me and my wife are at the hospital. Were waiting in the waiting room. Laughing and having joking. I'm thinking, its going to be my blood pressure, they will advise to diet and maybe some pills for blood pressure and we will be on our way. After explaining to the consultant what had happened, he confirmed that I was having complex partial seizures. He mentioned epilepsy and that he is referring me for scans. He said that I should notify the dvla and that I can't drive. So that was that. The job I loved doing, gone. For a short while, they kept me employed and whenever jobs came up in wales, I would get picked up by another engineer travelling to Wales and help out. My employers couldn't keep paying me full pay, the office was based in Bournemouth, so I couldn't even do office work. I decided to leave and look for an office based job. In between this, ive had appointments through for 2 scans. The one was an MRI and the other was something to do with flashing lights. After both of these are done, job hunting continues.
September 2019
I've had a phone interview with a call centre and also a face to face interview. I made them aware from day 1 that I may have epilepsy and they were fine with it. They bent over backwards to make the interview as comfortable for me as possible. In between the scans and the interviews, they're back. The weird feelings, the now known seizures. I have no idea what it is that sets them off. I have noticed a weird smell, like a burnt toast smell. Also, a weird taste in my mouth, a taste like you've been handling copper coins then you put for finger in your mouth. Is this a sign or just a coincidence? Who knows.
October 2019
So I've started my new job. Its not the best job in the world but its something to keep me going. I have a phone call 2 days before my birthday from the epileptic consultant. He's asking me if I'm sat down and if I want to go on loud speaker. He then hit me with it. We have found a tumour on your brain. Well, that was it. I didn't hear anything after that. I was just thinking, how long do I have left to live. I'm only 33, surely this is what old people go through. Yes I'm over weight, but still, im only 33. He referred me to see a neurosurgeon and within a week, im in. Surely its something serious. I've gone from waiting months on end for appointments to a week wait.
November 2019
So today is the day of my appointment. The day I get to sit down with the neurosurgeon and his staff. Me, my wife and mother are all sat in the room. We have a chat in regards to what's happened, how I'm feeling etc. He then looks at the scan and asks if I would like to see. Everyone would like to see inside their own head, right. I said yes, let's have a look. He showed us the pictures and to my shock, the white mark on the brain was huge. He said it was just under 6cm x 6cm x 4cm. He said that I've had it for years and it needs to be removed. It looks like a grade 2 astrocytoma but they won't know until its removed and tested. He asked if I've ever suffered with headaches etc. I did go through a stage of constant migraine. Thumping, uncomfortable headaches. Maybe this was a sign. The gp would give me paracetamol and tell me to chill out. The neurosurgeon then said that I would need another scan, functional MRI. The bad news, I would have to travel to Bristol. They don't have the equipment here in Wales. He would referr me straight away. I was told that I should be in at the start of December. He noticed my wife was pregnant and asked when she was due. The due date is 26th December. He said to get the scan done and to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and enjoy Christmas. The surgery would be in the new year. At this point, my medication was 500mg keppra twice a day. Because I was still having these seizures, he increased my dosage to 750mg twice a day. Lets see if this helps. We've reached the end of November and still no referral letter. Great, back to the messing and waiting around. I call the nurse to say that I've still not heard anything and to check that I've been referred. I was then told, the referral was currently with the welsh health board. Apparently, because I live in Wales and have to travel to England for a scan, the hospital won't make an appointment until they've had confirmation from the welsh health board that they will fund it. Great, waiting for anything good off the government is going to take ages. Dont know why they would need confirmation. NHS is the NHS. I was working away, all over the UK. If I was in an accident, they wouldn't ask the welsh health board for payment before starting any treatment. Surely, to prove that I'm a British citizen, I could've taken my passport and get it done. Anyway, back to it. Let's sit and wait.
December 2019
So this is it. The month our little man is due to join us. Were hoping he makes an appearance before his boxing day due date. I've continued to have seizures during this month. I've spoken to the nurse's again and they said to increase the keppra to 1000mg twice a day. Are they coming back because of the constant over thinking of this referral? Is the tumour getting bigger? We wont know until the scans are done and looked at again. The 20th of December, the day my little man has decided to join us. What an amazing feeling. 1 girl and 1 boy, the love for my little family is incredible. Never felt anything like this before. We're now complete. Now, all we got to do is deal with this tumour. Lets enjoy christmas and new year and take it from 2020. Well, that was the plan. 22nd of December and we decide to take little Parker to the hospital as he seemed to be breathing funny. Luckily, he was fine. Myself on the other hand. I was rough. Feeling so weak, can't breath properly, real bad cough, thumping headache. I've had a cold before but this, this was levels ahead of what I've ever experienced before. I called my gp and he gave me a steroid course to help with the swelling in my head. By Christmas day, I was feeling fine. Still a few issues. Couldn't really taste much. Roast dinner is my favourite but a Christmas Dinner is something else. 2 days later, the wife has the same symptoms. Doctors tell her its bronchitis. Gave her some antibiotics and sent her on her way. Hers took longer to ease off, but she's feeling better. Looking back now, was it coronavirus? The symptoms were the same. Theyve announced that a steroid they've already got out can help with the virus. Did I recover quicker because I was on a course of steroids? Who knows.
January 2020
Its here. This year is going to be huge. Not only do we have 2 children under the age of 5, ive also got this battle going on. I have a phone call, its the hospital. Bristol must've had the payment confirmation for my scan. Im told that they only do the scans on the first Monday of the month. As we've missed January's, could I make it in February. Without any hesitation, yes I can. Anytime, just book it. I also tell her that I'm still having the seizures. My medication is now increased to 1250mg twice a day. Great, are they ever going to stop?
February 2020
The day is here. Lets travel to Bristol and get this scan done. Lets hope this is the last thing needed before surgery. Couple of days later, my phone rings, its the hospital. They've had the scans from Bristol. There's no sign of any growth. Positive news for once. They then book me in for a pre op appointment. Surely, not long now before the tumour is gone. I attended my appointment. Im sat in the room with the neurosurgeon and 5 other staff. They go through my scan, ive had my bloods taken, and I'm told there's no date for surgery as yet but I am a priority. This time, whilst going through my scan, he did keep saying about grade 3 or 4. When its tested, the smallest amount of a 3 or 4 and that's what it'll be graded at. Does he have to mention this to me or does he think it may be 3 or 4 and telling me the way he did to make me not to worry. All im thinking is, how long now. Also, my medication has increased to 1500mg twice a day and a new pill is introduced. A course of lamotrigine, 25mg twice a day for 2 weeks, going up gradually till I'm on 75mg twice a day.
March 2020
This month is the month, or so I thought. With the worrying news of the coronavirus spreading all over the world, i have the phone call ive been waiting for. A date for surgery. Ill be going in on the 26th March and taken down first thing on the 27th. Great news. Now lets mentally prepare for this. I spend a few weeks staying home. Dont want to risk catching anything and surgery to cancel. At this time, were thinking weve already had it in December. All the symptoms theyre now saying on the TV are what we had back then. We will never know. Then, its declared a pandemic and the uk is in lockdown. We all know what lockdown should mean and what a boris lockdown is. Thats another blog. Anyway, week or so before my surgery, I get a call. Its cancelled. Im reassured that I'm to of the list and once they can start to operate, I'll be in. The only positive I could take was, if it was as serious as I was thinking, they would've had me in, regardless. Now, its time to play the waiting game again.
July 2020
So today is the first of July. I've been calling the nurses every couple of weeks to see if there is any news with a new date. Unfortunately, due to how bad this virus is, its still not known on a date but I am still top of the list. Over the last 3-4 months, ive had more seizures and now my lamotrigine is 100mg twice a day. Ive had a couple since the increase but normally, I would have 4-5 a day every day for 5 days or so. Now, its just 1 day. The 1 thing that has really got to me over the last few months, is the people in England still being operated on. I have no issues whatsoever with the brave people on this horrid journey. Its the health boards. People are saying they have a grade 2 astrocytoma at the frontal temporal lobe (that's where mine is) there's were found by mistake, no symptoms whatsoever, but having it done anyway. Me on the other hand. Month's of seizures, headaches, my right side of my body feels different. My right knee buckles when I walk, and im still waiting. Who knows whats going to happen, when its going to happen. It has felt at times that ive been pushed to the side and forgotten about. There we go, time to sit and wait, AGAIN.
14th July 2020
So here we go. Today is my wifes birthday. We would love to be going out. Tenby, pub food or even just to chill with the children and family. Instead, were having a day at the hospital. Today is the day i go for my final MRI. Also having blood tests and a chat with the team. My surgery is booked for the 5th of August. This is the final stretch of this part of the journey. Come the operation, a new journey starts, the recovery. People keep asking me, if I'm worried, if I'm scared etc. The answer, no. To be honest, I think I'm more worried about the recovery part of the journey. Even tho one of the big changes I've noticed is that I cant motivate myself to do anything. Im hoping, after surgery, ill feel a lot better and can start being a proper husband and father again.
1st April 2019
So it's April fools day, and today is the day that my life changed for ever. I was in work. A job I absolutely loved. A job I finally found that I was good at. Im a lift engineer. I went in to work feeling fine. Nothing different to any other day. My job for the day was to install a stairlift. The lift was a big lift, 2 man job, but could be done with just 1 man. As I was the only engineer in wales, unless needed, I done everything alone. As I unloaded the van, I felt a bit tired and dizzy. Was this because its first thing in the morning or because I'm a large man. At first, I put it down to both. As I unpack the lift and start putting the bits in to place, the lovely homeowner offered me a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich. I didn't want to sound ungrateful, so I said yes. The lady gave me my tea and sandwich and off she went. I'm sat on the bend of the stairs, up the top, back facing down the stairs. All of a sudden, bang, im frozen. I can feel my lips smacking together, I have no control over my body. After 20-30 seconds, im so confused. I dont know where I am, who I am, what I'm doing. All I seem to focus on is this bacon sandwich. I start eating it, still dazed and confused, thinking, is this even my sandwich. I come back to the room and thought to myself, what the hell just happened then. She mustve put something in my brew. Around an hour or so later, im sat on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, wiring the lift. I can feel my right side of my face starting to drop. I'm thinking, I'm having a stroke here. I feel my face and to my surprise, im soaking wet. My face is wet, my top is wet, I've been sat there for a while dribbling and didn't even know. Thank god the customer didn't come out and see me. Again, after a short time, I felt OK. That evening, I got home from work and explained everything to my wife. She convinced me to go to A&E just to be safe. After a few little tests and chats, I was given a leaflet on epilepsy and told I had been referred as urgent and should be seen within 2 weeks.
21st April 2019
So it's been 3 weeks since all this has happened and still no referral. 3 weeks off work with no pay. Were due to go on holiday at the start of May. I decided to go to the gp and see if I can go back to work. After my appointment, my gp had said, because of the nature of my job and the fact I'm a big man. He will say that blood pressure played a part and it was OK to go back to work. He recommended that I keep my referral open just to be on the safe side.
1st May 2019
So today is the day we have a family holiday to Tunisia. Still no sign of the referral letter but thats not going to stop me enjoying this holiday. Maybe it'll be on the mat when we get back and we can go from there.
15th May 2019
So were back from our holiday. Food was hit and miss, the entertainment was OK, but all in all, it was lovely to be with the family and have fun. But still no referral.
June 2019
So after numerous phone calls, im still no closer in finding out whats happening. I keep getting told different time scales in which appointments are sent. Its gone from 2 weeks to 2 months and still nothing.
July 2019
So its been 3 months since my weird event. I've not had anything since. No other weird symptoms, I'm working, enjoying myself with my wife and daughter and my son growing in the oven. I said to my wife, I feel horrible the fact that I'm having this appointment and its just my blood pressure. She said to keep it just incase. A few days later, end of July, its here, the referral letter. My appointment was with an epileptic consultant in August. A part of me is glad its come. Not bad, from a 2 week emergency referral to waiting over 4 months. I visit my mum with my wife and daughter. I fill her in with the appointment time and date etc. After a couple of hours, we head home. Im driving down the road and bang, it hits me. I have this weird feeling again. I'm behind the wheel, I have no control over my body. All I know is that I'm lip smacking again. Apart from that, I have no control over my body. I can hear my wife screaming, Daniel, whats going on? I somehow managed to miss an island in the middle of the road, come to a safe stop and relax. I come around and got the wife to drive. Again, I didnt know what was happening, why it was happening. All I could think of on the way home was, I could've injured my 4 year old daughter, my wife and unborn son. That felt worse inside than what was happening to me.
August 2019
Me and my wife are at the hospital. Were waiting in the waiting room. Laughing and having joking. I'm thinking, its going to be my blood pressure, they will advise to diet and maybe some pills for blood pressure and we will be on our way. After explaining to the consultant what had happened, he confirmed that I was having complex partial seizures. He mentioned epilepsy and that he is referring me for scans. He said that I should notify the dvla and that I can't drive. So that was that. The job I loved doing, gone. For a short while, they kept me employed and whenever jobs came up in wales, I would get picked up by another engineer travelling to Wales and help out. My employers couldn't keep paying me full pay, the office was based in Bournemouth, so I couldn't even do office work. I decided to leave and look for an office based job. In between this, ive had appointments through for 2 scans. The one was an MRI and the other was something to do with flashing lights. After both of these are done, job hunting continues.
September 2019
I've had a phone interview with a call centre and also a face to face interview. I made them aware from day 1 that I may have epilepsy and they were fine with it. They bent over backwards to make the interview as comfortable for me as possible. In between the scans and the interviews, they're back. The weird feelings, the now known seizures. I have no idea what it is that sets them off. I have noticed a weird smell, like a burnt toast smell. Also, a weird taste in my mouth, a taste like you've been handling copper coins then you put for finger in your mouth. Is this a sign or just a coincidence? Who knows.
October 2019
So I've started my new job. Its not the best job in the world but its something to keep me going. I have a phone call 2 days before my birthday from the epileptic consultant. He's asking me if I'm sat down and if I want to go on loud speaker. He then hit me with it. We have found a tumour on your brain. Well, that was it. I didn't hear anything after that. I was just thinking, how long do I have left to live. I'm only 33, surely this is what old people go through. Yes I'm over weight, but still, im only 33. He referred me to see a neurosurgeon and within a week, im in. Surely its something serious. I've gone from waiting months on end for appointments to a week wait.
November 2019
So today is the day of my appointment. The day I get to sit down with the neurosurgeon and his staff. Me, my wife and mother are all sat in the room. We have a chat in regards to what's happened, how I'm feeling etc. He then looks at the scan and asks if I would like to see. Everyone would like to see inside their own head, right. I said yes, let's have a look. He showed us the pictures and to my shock, the white mark on the brain was huge. He said it was just under 6cm x 6cm x 4cm. He said that I've had it for years and it needs to be removed. It looks like a grade 2 astrocytoma but they won't know until its removed and tested. He asked if I've ever suffered with headaches etc. I did go through a stage of constant migraine. Thumping, uncomfortable headaches. Maybe this was a sign. The gp would give me paracetamol and tell me to chill out. The neurosurgeon then said that I would need another scan, functional MRI. The bad news, I would have to travel to Bristol. They don't have the equipment here in Wales. He would referr me straight away. I was told that I should be in at the start of December. He noticed my wife was pregnant and asked when she was due. The due date is 26th December. He said to get the scan done and to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and enjoy Christmas. The surgery would be in the new year. At this point, my medication was 500mg keppra twice a day. Because I was still having these seizures, he increased my dosage to 750mg twice a day. Lets see if this helps. We've reached the end of November and still no referral letter. Great, back to the messing and waiting around. I call the nurse to say that I've still not heard anything and to check that I've been referred. I was then told, the referral was currently with the welsh health board. Apparently, because I live in Wales and have to travel to England for a scan, the hospital won't make an appointment until they've had confirmation from the welsh health board that they will fund it. Great, waiting for anything good off the government is going to take ages. Dont know why they would need confirmation. NHS is the NHS. I was working away, all over the UK. If I was in an accident, they wouldn't ask the welsh health board for payment before starting any treatment. Surely, to prove that I'm a British citizen, I could've taken my passport and get it done. Anyway, back to it. Let's sit and wait.
December 2019
So this is it. The month our little man is due to join us. Were hoping he makes an appearance before his boxing day due date. I've continued to have seizures during this month. I've spoken to the nurse's again and they said to increase the keppra to 1000mg twice a day. Are they coming back because of the constant over thinking of this referral? Is the tumour getting bigger? We wont know until the scans are done and looked at again. The 20th of December, the day my little man has decided to join us. What an amazing feeling. 1 girl and 1 boy, the love for my little family is incredible. Never felt anything like this before. We're now complete. Now, all we got to do is deal with this tumour. Lets enjoy christmas and new year and take it from 2020. Well, that was the plan. 22nd of December and we decide to take little Parker to the hospital as he seemed to be breathing funny. Luckily, he was fine. Myself on the other hand. I was rough. Feeling so weak, can't breath properly, real bad cough, thumping headache. I've had a cold before but this, this was levels ahead of what I've ever experienced before. I called my gp and he gave me a steroid course to help with the swelling in my head. By Christmas day, I was feeling fine. Still a few issues. Couldn't really taste much. Roast dinner is my favourite but a Christmas Dinner is something else. 2 days later, the wife has the same symptoms. Doctors tell her its bronchitis. Gave her some antibiotics and sent her on her way. Hers took longer to ease off, but she's feeling better. Looking back now, was it coronavirus? The symptoms were the same. Theyve announced that a steroid they've already got out can help with the virus. Did I recover quicker because I was on a course of steroids? Who knows.
January 2020
Its here. This year is going to be huge. Not only do we have 2 children under the age of 5, ive also got this battle going on. I have a phone call, its the hospital. Bristol must've had the payment confirmation for my scan. Im told that they only do the scans on the first Monday of the month. As we've missed January's, could I make it in February. Without any hesitation, yes I can. Anytime, just book it. I also tell her that I'm still having the seizures. My medication is now increased to 1250mg twice a day. Great, are they ever going to stop?
February 2020
The day is here. Lets travel to Bristol and get this scan done. Lets hope this is the last thing needed before surgery. Couple of days later, my phone rings, its the hospital. They've had the scans from Bristol. There's no sign of any growth. Positive news for once. They then book me in for a pre op appointment. Surely, not long now before the tumour is gone. I attended my appointment. Im sat in the room with the neurosurgeon and 5 other staff. They go through my scan, ive had my bloods taken, and I'm told there's no date for surgery as yet but I am a priority. This time, whilst going through my scan, he did keep saying about grade 3 or 4. When its tested, the smallest amount of a 3 or 4 and that's what it'll be graded at. Does he have to mention this to me or does he think it may be 3 or 4 and telling me the way he did to make me not to worry. All im thinking is, how long now. Also, my medication has increased to 1500mg twice a day and a new pill is introduced. A course of lamotrigine, 25mg twice a day for 2 weeks, going up gradually till I'm on 75mg twice a day.
March 2020
This month is the month, or so I thought. With the worrying news of the coronavirus spreading all over the world, i have the phone call ive been waiting for. A date for surgery. Ill be going in on the 26th March and taken down first thing on the 27th. Great news. Now lets mentally prepare for this. I spend a few weeks staying home. Dont want to risk catching anything and surgery to cancel. At this time, were thinking weve already had it in December. All the symptoms theyre now saying on the TV are what we had back then. We will never know. Then, its declared a pandemic and the uk is in lockdown. We all know what lockdown should mean and what a boris lockdown is. Thats another blog. Anyway, week or so before my surgery, I get a call. Its cancelled. Im reassured that I'm to of the list and once they can start to operate, I'll be in. The only positive I could take was, if it was as serious as I was thinking, they would've had me in, regardless. Now, its time to play the waiting game again.
July 2020
So today is the first of July. I've been calling the nurses every couple of weeks to see if there is any news with a new date. Unfortunately, due to how bad this virus is, its still not known on a date but I am still top of the list. Over the last 3-4 months, ive had more seizures and now my lamotrigine is 100mg twice a day. Ive had a couple since the increase but normally, I would have 4-5 a day every day for 5 days or so. Now, its just 1 day. The 1 thing that has really got to me over the last few months, is the people in England still being operated on. I have no issues whatsoever with the brave people on this horrid journey. Its the health boards. People are saying they have a grade 2 astrocytoma at the frontal temporal lobe (that's where mine is) there's were found by mistake, no symptoms whatsoever, but having it done anyway. Me on the other hand. Month's of seizures, headaches, my right side of my body feels different. My right knee buckles when I walk, and im still waiting. Who knows whats going to happen, when its going to happen. It has felt at times that ive been pushed to the side and forgotten about. There we go, time to sit and wait, AGAIN.
14th July 2020
So here we go. Today is my wifes birthday. We would love to be going out. Tenby, pub food or even just to chill with the children and family. Instead, were having a day at the hospital. Today is the day i go for my final MRI. Also having blood tests and a chat with the team. My surgery is booked for the 5th of August. This is the final stretch of this part of the journey. Come the operation, a new journey starts, the recovery. People keep asking me, if I'm worried, if I'm scared etc. The answer, no. To be honest, I think I'm more worried about the recovery part of the journey. Even tho one of the big changes I've noticed is that I cant motivate myself to do anything. Im hoping, after surgery, ill feel a lot better and can start being a proper husband and father again.
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