I always said I'd be transparent...

 

I had an evening a few nights  ago (Nov 17 to be exact) that I just didn't want to be brave.

 

I didn't want to look for silver linings, or find the good in my situation I didn't want to be appreciative of what I have or don't have and I didn't want to pray about it or talk to a cheerleader. I didn't want to be the "It's fine-I'm good person. I didn't want to be "an inspiration" to anyone.

 

In that moment I sat in my car, in a dark parking lot on my way home from my very first day working away from home (finally) and I made several phone calls.  I got voicemail for all 5 people that I called.

 

Then I lost it.

 

Sure, I have friends...really great friends, actually. But even so, most really great friends are not people I wanted to call just because I was having a shitty day. I didn't want to talk about life and catch up. I didn't want to ruin their mood or day or family time because I was having a moment. I just wanted to complain.

Because I felt that I'd had enough.

 

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I love this blog by my sweet friend Laura Renegar. She captures so much of what can go on inside. Not always but sometimes. And on the sometimes days...everything sucks.

 

 

These thoughts have been rumbling in my mind for quite a while now and I am not sure how this blog will sound and I am not sure how some of you will take it, but I feel like it needs to be said.

By now I have had contact with hundreds of breast cancer patients, a few other types of cancer patients too, but mainly breast cancer. I see this recurring theme on facebook, twitter, instagram and blogs, “I am good – it’s all good.”

 

I know that some women have an easier time than other women through chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries. I know that some women do not mind losing their hair and some don’t mind losing their breasts. I get that. I see it often. But I am starting to feel that women are almost being “peer pressured” into telling the world how good they are, how fine they feel, and how this path “isn’t so bad”…. we all know positive thinking and a good attitude gets you much further in life than a bad attitude and negative thinking – I get that too. What I don’t get is this view of these women going through hell with these treatments, and surgeries and acting like it’s all good to the outside world, but when you get up close and personal to them, they are crumbling inside and feeling “less than” because they aren’t superhuman, their cancer treatments are harsh, they are sick, and their surgeries can and do leave physical scars, and emotional ones. I see it – a lot. I see the positive smiling faces because they feel that is what people really want and need to see during their cancer battle – who really wants to hear the truth about what goes on in an up close and personal cancer battle? People want to ask with sympathy and empathy “how are you?” and they really want to hear something positive or just an “I’m good” will do. I understand the “pink power” thing – I get that women want to be viewed as strong and able to handle all that this disease is throwing at them, but is it really the truth? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. I know I was very honest through my breast cancer fight, probably too honest. I admitted there were days when I would have been happier never waking up than to face another day of that harsh and dreaded bone pain, surgeries, or chemo. I love positive attitudes and I love fighting spirits, but are chemotherapy, mastectomies, and radiation cooking your skin really a thumbs up kind of life? Has the crazy political correctness creeped it’s crappy self into the breast cancer community also? There were many days I pasted a smile on my face and kept going – but when someone asked how I was, I told the truth – a lot of days were “eccchh, not so good”…..I sit and talk to many women who have had so many surgeries they have lost count, their scars are many, and their hearts are torn. Some are facing more surgeries and some cannot have anymore to fix what needs to be fixed. We are talking about it and telling the truth…and it’s hard. But it’s real.

I am not trying to be Debbie Downer I am just trying to grasp what has happened to the reality of cancer and am wondering if women now feel they should act brave to fit in, to be admired, to be supported and encouraged? I want my cancer peeps to be honest with me – not tell me they are great and doing fine and then two weeks later admit they were horribly depressed or very sick and they just didn’t want to weigh anyone down with their worries. This is what I am talking about – the political correctness of cancer, terminal illness, pregnancy, diabetes, etc…everyone feels that they should be wearing their “brave on” all of the time and they may be stuffing their real feelings down inside. Someday that has to come out you know, it may not be when you expect it nor when it’s convenient, but eventually it will come out.

When I was sick, people told me it’s all about attitude and if you have a good attitude everything will be just fine. Really? What about my friends who had great attitudes and lost their battles anyway? Does that say their attitude wasn’t good enough? They weren’t positive enough? Weren’t happy enough? Come on…this disease can have devastating results and I cannot, with a clear conscience, say that attitude has the biggest impact. What about my friends with stage 4 metastatic cancer – is it because of their attitudes? I think not.

 

I still cannot believe Angelina Jolie’s view of a double mastectomy. She felt bad for three days and her children can hardly see her scars. Well good for you – is that really reality? I have not met anyone else – out of hundreds of women – who had this same experience with a double mastectomy and reconstruction, or a single mastectomy, for that matter. She also didn’t have chemotherapy, radiation, or cancer. Regardless, three days? Come on, isn’t that how long it takes to get over a root canal? That’s even more peer pressure making a double mastectomy seem like a free boob job and a piece of cake. I am thankful for her shedding some light on the BRCA genes and prophylactic surgery, but three days?

I am just saying – if you are putting on your brave front for the whole world to see on social media and that is how you want your friends and family to see you, then do it. BUT, please do not do that if you are ready to crumble inside and just don’t want to burden other people. Tell the truth. This is hard. This is sad. This sucks. It’s cancer. Get support. Talk to someone you can be honest with – get counseling and find a safe place to vent and dump those thoughts and feelings. It drains way too much energy to force on a happy face; you need that energy to heal and to fight the cancer, don’t waste it on peer pressure. My Mom always said “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”….and that’s a great lesson – BUT, I fully believe in telling the truth and owning it. If you are scared, sad, sick, in pain, or just plain devastated over this diagnosis, say it. That doesn’t make you weak. But that is not what society seems to want to hear, society wants us to slap a pink ribbon on it and smile our way through the hardest time of our life. If the truth is hard and sad – say it, own it, and work through it. THAT, to me, is being brave….I think being brave is telling the truth and sharing your life – not putting a smile on when you are crumbling inside…..you know what? My vision of breast cancer brave is the truth, words, and honesty. Are you scared? Then say it. That’s a far cry from burying it under a pink ribbon and a thumbs up photo – I wanna see you be brave.