As I went to the doctor yesterday, I was preparing myself for the toughest part.  Yet I wanted to drive away my worries and fears so I prayed for strength and tried to appreciate the beautiful weather ( I was wearing my sunglasses.), the busy construction workers, looking at everyone is gratitude and joy.

When I stepped into the doctor's office, I saw Lianne, the doctor's assistant.  She was a very cheerful lady and she even commented how we were wearing the same outfit.  We both had white, long sleeved tops, jeans and white runners.

When my turn finally came to see the doctor, he seemed stress in relating to me my situation.  He first asked what information the lung specialist told me.  I mentioned to him that I knew I had a tiny nodule which appeared to have grown in size from my ct scan since January and then in March.  He said that it was not the case.  He said that it was cancer and it was full blown.  I asked him if all the results of the bronchoscopy of the Friday before was sent to him.  He said yes.  But he wanted more tests done to find out how he can manage the cancer.  He mentioned on the ways to do more tests.  He mentioned surgery and most likely chemo.  I was so at peace.  I just wanted to know the facts.  No emotions yet...my reactions are always delayed.

He asked Lianne to schedule me for further tests and that he needed to talk with someone else.  He came back after a few minutes with another doctor.  She advised that they will need to take a look at the test results first before they can finalize everything.  But I really needed to go thru more tests. 

As I went home that afternoon, yes, I cried because I was scared.   But I could not cry so hard.  I don't know.  I kept telling myself that I could not tell this to my children yet.  My daughter is all excited and yet stressed out about her wedding next week.  I cannot pour cold water on them right now. I could not tell my sister, she will cry for sure.  I wanted to talk to someone who will be strong enough to think the way I do.  I want to fulfill all business plans regardless.  To my mind, all of us will die.  It is inevitable.  The time and day will just vary.  So in the process, if I will die because of cancer, I want to die doing something I have planned.  My life has been a sluggish journey.  I feel like I need to do more.  I am proud of my children.  But I need to do more and use the gifts that God has given me.  

In my mind, I thought that if I will go thru surgery and will be useless for life, I will not do that.  If I will go thru chemo and be useless later, I will not go thru that.  What will life be if I will only be a burden to my family and the society.  I would rather live a short life and have done something good for my family and others...

I still have yet to think on who to tell my situation to... I will be talking to dear friend tonite.  This is just to have someone to talk to for the first time to open up about my situation.