October 20th will mark 1 year since Craig’s death. This month has been grueling but also good in so many ways. The fact that its only halfway over is a little fatiguing to just think about though. I was told by someone recently that there are times in our life we thrive and sometimes in our life we just need to survive.

Earlier this year, I thought with time possibly my grief might fade or go away, but I am realizing now that grief will always be a part of who I am. I will always grieve the father of my children and the dreams I had of growing old with him. I am sure that my grief will shape and change over time, but I have concluded that this will never go away.

If anyone has heard me talk about my children, they may have heard me say – that without them I may have not made it through this year. Shortly after Craig passed away, I remember laying in bed. I was hoping that I could shut my eyes and sleep through the day. That morning Reeve sat on my chest. I was pregnant so in all reality there wasn’t much room there in the first place, but anyway he reminded me that I had to get up.

A few days later, we buried Craig’s ashes. At the cemetery Reeve made a leaf nest and ran around like the crazy toddler he was. He laughed and played with his friends.

Then 2 days later, the crowd dispersed, and people had to leave and go back to their lives. We were alone. Reeve and I had to figure out how to be a family together. He has challenged me. Asked questions. Both of us have had big feelings. He has taught me how to talk about the tough stuff. He has been the constant reminder to keep pushing forward because life doesn’t halt even if you feel like it should. 

Then in February on the 14th, my 2nd son was born. Kellen Adrian Ahmann. To say that light can come from darkness is a true understatement when it comes to this child. The smile he shares each morning with me, the way his eyes light up --- this is him truly to his core in most hours of the day. I dare anyone to try and not smile back at him. Happy 8 months Kellen. You are a true gift from GOD.

Craig Michael Ahmann will be forever missed. Thank  you for giving me the best reminders to keep going, to keep laughing, to live without fear, and to keep hoping for a better future. I am forever grateful for the life that I had, the life that I have now, and the future I have with our babies.

Love Always.