I've been having lots of emotional ups and downs these past couple of weeks. It's redundant to say that this pandemic is partly to blame. I'm no different than anyone in not liking staying home all of the time. While I always have things to do that I enjoy doing at home, I really miss the freedom I had before the pandemic. I could go anywhere anytime I wasn't working. I really miss that. I miss going to the grocery store! It's great being able to order groceries on-line and having them delivered, but I miss being able to browse the aisles and see the new items they have and the sales. I knew I was an impulse shopper when it came to grocery shopping, but I never knew just how impulsive I was until I had a pantry with the same items in it. . . . all the time! That means what I cook to eat is always the same. The menu just rotates about every 3 weeks! Most all of the time I can put up with the homebound status but once in a while, like recently, it gets to me.
And then there's the cancer.
When I was told the cancer had returned a third time, in the bones, and incurable, it took time to sink in. And it was a lot to sink in. I wasn't sure I could ever handle it. How would I deal with this? What would it do to those I loved? And then I remembered my God. How easy it is to forget Him initially at times like this when the shock first hits. At least for me it was then. Once I got over the initial shock I was able to let God back in. I didn't think I would ever have to hear anything about my health that would shake me like that again. Now, I am told the cancer is in all of my bones, even my skull and my facial bones. Another shock. More to have to sink in. As it did, I let the anger I felt take over at first. Bitterness tried to get me. This time, I turned to God for His help to sort this all out. But I didn't turn to Him quick enough and depression got to me. And then something so silly as not being able to go to the grocery store got me down even more and I vascillated between anger and depression for a bit. But God helped me, as He always has and always will. The depression lifted and the anger is gone. I am able to accept that all of my bones are involved in this nasty invasion called cancer. I've known all along they eventually would be. I guess the "eventually" finally arriving is what shocked me the most.
The unknown will always be a part of life. I am so thankful God is with me when the "unknown" parts of my life become "knowns". But my heart is heavy when I think of people I know and care about who choose to try and navigate this life without Him. I can't imagine making it at all without my Lord Jesus. As I thank Him for loving me and never leaving me, I pray for others to let Him into their hearts so they can have a richer and more abundant life. My life is rich and full even with cancer. Even without going to the grocery store! I laugh at myself for letting that try to get to me. And it almost did! If it tries to get me again, I think I'll pull up this journal entry and read it again - as a reminder. Spoiler alert . . . . God wins.
God is and all is well