Journal entry by ERIN DICHIARA —
Update on my wonderful, funny, active, sweet, and smart 11yo twins! Conor and Chiara are doing great in school, annoying each other, and more than I could have ever imagined on May 7, 2008.
An interesting thing happen this May 7th. Three good friends posted on my Facebook page... happy birthday to the twins.... so what’s odd about that? I didn’t post a sweet message with their pictures on my own page on their birthday! I noticed this and began to think... so why didn’t I post?
The answer came as soon as the question showed up in my mind.
MAY 7, 2008 is The Date... it happens in everyone’s life. Some it comes in childhood others in their 20’s or late in life. It’s the date to which everything is either a before or an after. The door you’re pushed through where who you were before will never be who you are now.
The day my children were born still is the worst day of my life. That’s saying a lot. It beat out finding a search warrant from the FBI inside my house naming me a suspect in a Federal money laundering investigation (story for another time), the call from the archdiocese telling me my Annulment was not valid because it’s being appealed to Rome, your husband has Stage 4 oral cancer, or even you have Leukemia and need to begin treatment in the next hour....
None of those even exist in the same galaxy as ... you have an infection, and we need to perform an emergency c-section.., do you want to resuscitate them when they’re born
TERROR
On the table, two NICU teams standing by.... baby 1 SILENCE ... baby 2 SILENCE ... babies too small to cry, no one cheering, no happy tears...SILENCE... Quick! knock her out she’s going into shock! Shock is often a physical reaction to the shattering of a soul. My mind and spirit broke in those moments into a thousand million pieces. Pieces so tiny I didn’t know if they could be put back together. And as those pieces broke and fell like shards of glass the only things left clinging to the frame of my soul were profound grief and Terror moving to fill the entire space where all my shining pieces had been.
I thought I knew how this story ends... for almost 20yrs I worked with, played with, and loved many former preemies. Their parents became my friends. I knew that their lives were harder, both mentally and physically. And despite knowing all of that in detail times 2, I still said “yes” to resuscitation.
I promised those babies in those dark early morning hours, in between grieving tears and cries, that I would fight if they fought.
Lots of preemie parents fight for their children and their children die or still have life altering disabilities. The only thing I knew and still believe is ...we’re never sure how much difference our efforts make in altering the course of things, but, I promise you this... I’M GONNA MAKE MINE COUNT! It may push the needle 1% or 90% but, my effort is gonna count, Damn it!
I lived in fear for the first year or so of their lives. I leaned on friends and family. I got busy ! It was a day without sunshine if one of them didn’t have some appointment somewhere. I held my breath for every milestone, I looked for early signs of spasticity, autism, problems eating, and vision issues. Fear kept me ever vigilant. One of my mentors (and wisest of wise women in my Village)Mili Cordero, said when they were 18months old... Erin, our goal is to create successful adults. People who enjoy close relationships with others, work, and live in their own place. Not every successful adult was a successful child.
Those days are over! The Fear is long gone. And we’re good. Lots has happened since then. My family and I are works in progress.
WE’RE GOOD AND LIFE IS GOOD! And my kids had wonderful, fun, and happy birthday parties! And I’ll post those pictures!
PS. Just in case you were wondering.... we had cake, presents and sang Happy Birthday on May 7th 😃
Thanks for listening 🎂❤️
Added two recent photos for those who haven’t seen them recently
An interesting thing happen this May 7th. Three good friends posted on my Facebook page... happy birthday to the twins.... so what’s odd about that? I didn’t post a sweet message with their pictures on my own page on their birthday! I noticed this and began to think... so why didn’t I post?
The answer came as soon as the question showed up in my mind.
MAY 7, 2008 is The Date... it happens in everyone’s life. Some it comes in childhood others in their 20’s or late in life. It’s the date to which everything is either a before or an after. The door you’re pushed through where who you were before will never be who you are now.
The day my children were born still is the worst day of my life. That’s saying a lot. It beat out finding a search warrant from the FBI inside my house naming me a suspect in a Federal money laundering investigation (story for another time), the call from the archdiocese telling me my Annulment was not valid because it’s being appealed to Rome, your husband has Stage 4 oral cancer, or even you have Leukemia and need to begin treatment in the next hour....
None of those even exist in the same galaxy as ... you have an infection, and we need to perform an emergency c-section.., do you want to resuscitate them when they’re born
TERROR
On the table, two NICU teams standing by.... baby 1 SILENCE ... baby 2 SILENCE ... babies too small to cry, no one cheering, no happy tears...SILENCE... Quick! knock her out she’s going into shock! Shock is often a physical reaction to the shattering of a soul. My mind and spirit broke in those moments into a thousand million pieces. Pieces so tiny I didn’t know if they could be put back together. And as those pieces broke and fell like shards of glass the only things left clinging to the frame of my soul were profound grief and Terror moving to fill the entire space where all my shining pieces had been.
I thought I knew how this story ends... for almost 20yrs I worked with, played with, and loved many former preemies. Their parents became my friends. I knew that their lives were harder, both mentally and physically. And despite knowing all of that in detail times 2, I still said “yes” to resuscitation.
I promised those babies in those dark early morning hours, in between grieving tears and cries, that I would fight if they fought.
Lots of preemie parents fight for their children and their children die or still have life altering disabilities. The only thing I knew and still believe is ...we’re never sure how much difference our efforts make in altering the course of things, but, I promise you this... I’M GONNA MAKE MINE COUNT! It may push the needle 1% or 90% but, my effort is gonna count, Damn it!
I lived in fear for the first year or so of their lives. I leaned on friends and family. I got busy ! It was a day without sunshine if one of them didn’t have some appointment somewhere. I held my breath for every milestone, I looked for early signs of spasticity, autism, problems eating, and vision issues. Fear kept me ever vigilant. One of my mentors (and wisest of wise women in my Village)Mili Cordero, said when they were 18months old... Erin, our goal is to create successful adults. People who enjoy close relationships with others, work, and live in their own place. Not every successful adult was a successful child.
Those days are over! The Fear is long gone. And we’re good. Lots has happened since then. My family and I are works in progress.
WE’RE GOOD AND LIFE IS GOOD! And my kids had wonderful, fun, and happy birthday parties! And I’ll post those pictures!
PS. Just in case you were wondering.... we had cake, presents and sang Happy Birthday on May 7th 😃
Thanks for listening 🎂❤️
Added two recent photos for those who haven’t seen them recently
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