Hi, friends. I am currently hooked up in the midst of the fifth round of chemo. Fourth round went much like the third, and I am quite grateful. Had some fatigue, but nothing major. 

The biggest side effect continues to be neurological, with my hands and face locking up unpredictably. The doctors think this is something that will likely fade away after the chemo treatments end. That’s encouraging to hear, and I will hold onto that hope.

My blood labs before round four revealed the deleterious effects of chemo for the first time, with all of my numbers pretty much going down or up in less than desirable ways. Nothing dangerous at this point, but I was definitely discouraged after seeing my numbers counterintuitively improving the first two rounds. My labs for this round were similar to the fourth. In general, I’m still in pretty good shape, but the numbers definitely show the way the chemo is wearing on my body.

Most notable for me the last two rounds has been experiencing an anxiety that I have leading up to the treatments. It’s starts a few days ahead of treatment and really picks up steam when I get to the hospital. My breathing becomes irregular, my heart rate speeds up, and I have a mild sense of nausea. I’m not used to feeling anxious (which is quite a gift, I suppose), and it is a terrible feeling. I have a deepening empathy and respect for people who carry anxiety as a constant companion. It’s a lot. I have been listening to talks by Father Greg Boyle a lot recently (highly recommended!), and he often urges us to stand in awe of what people carry rather than in judgment of how they carry it. This makes a lot of sense to me as I think of my friends and family members who struggle deeply with anxiety. How much fortitude does it take to get through each day? I can stand in awe of that.

Along with my body starting to wear down, and the anxiety starting to ramp up, I continue to struggle with lack control over my bowels. Nothing is normal in that arena. I wonder/fear what any kind of new normal might look like. Yesterday was a bad day. I had to run to the toilet at least 40 times. Twice, I did not make it in time. Talk about an embarrassing and discouraging experience. Hello, empathy and awe for those whose bodily control abandoned them long ago. 

And this is life. Struggles come to all of us at many points and in many forms. We will all know anxiety. We will all experience humiliation and discouragement. So, what is there to do? Well, I’m tempted to say that we can learn to control our minds, think positively, and do more kegel exercises (yes, I kegel). These are not bad things, of course, but they will not change the unalterable, innate fragility of our lives. I, for one, do not like the fragility, but I can’t seem to shake it, and it does bear gifts… perspective, humility, and empathy, to name a few. Perhaps, then, reckoning with my fragility is even part of the path toward a truer experience of my humanity, a deeper connection to others. May it be.