Journal entry by Rachel Wagner —
The title of this entry pretty easily summarizes a thought that runs through my head every day. Let me apologize in advance if this entry is more A.D.D. than you've all been used to reading over the years, but I have a little almost 4 year old sitting on my lap helping me :) My day has consisted of many stories, pictures & memories of Chuck with both of the kids, but primarily Cameron. He's old enough now that he is attempting to grasp the concept of heaven & the realization that these are photos of a man who he'll sadly never get to meet. As a parent, I continue to learn the impact that my actions, words & views have on my children, but today, watching Cameron listen to every story & look at each picture of Chuck it really amplified the reality that we, his family, are the best way for him to "meet" his Grandpa.
Between the two of us, Josh & I usually discuss how much we miss him... which leads to stories... which then lead to laughter... & some tears, whether they be happy or sad. Lately, we keep ending on what type of grandparent that we know that Dad would've been. From watching Cameron shoot baskets in the backyard, to seeing Mia spin her little dance circles all over the house, to each birthday party, to the winter holidays watching Christmas Vacation & the Muppet Christmas Carol, to each tiny egg hidden on our Easter scavenger hunt... he would've been there. And every event, all of it, would've been better if he were there. We try not to get stuck in the "what ifs" because they don't allow us to fully embrace how beautiful each moment of our life is & we know he wouldn't want that for us. Instead we have started to laugh, smile & discuss with each other the little things that happen in every day life that we know he'd love. I try to imagine the joy he gets watching Cameron play with his excavators in our garden, digging up treasure or better yet burying his sister. Picturing him smiling at our glow light bath time parties, trips to the zoo & movie nights with popcorn & m&ms. I also would bet that he enjoys watching Josh get to father a little girl... a very loving, independent & daring little girl. Mia would have given even Chuck a run for his money I can promise him that. I imagine (better yet I pray) that he is proud of the people Josh & me are becoming, not only as parents, but in our marriage to one another. He instilled so many qualities in us & facilitated our union in a way that many couples aren't lucky enough to have someone do that we continue to want to honor that in any way we can.
I bet that he is proud of Kody... that he laughs seeing him annoyed with all of the geese behind his house & smiles seeing him accomplish each advancement with his new home. That while it's hard seeing the family separated in different areas of the country, it's nice to see Kody & Bob back together & working diligently at a company he worked so passionately to develop.
Most importantly... that the two main women in his life are at peace. A peace that we weren't sure that any of us would be able to reach when he passed away. Grandma, God bless her, is still able to tolerate the Iowa winters after all of these years which I know he must be impressed by. Seeing her continue to spread the word of God, graciously pray over all of us & remind us that "it's all good" must make him satisfied too. And last, but never least, Shelly. I picture him looking down & adoringly watching her run, travel, laugh, smile, cook, pray & just find the place to be her again. Not the her that she was with him... because none of us will ever be exactly that person again, but instead an adaptation of the selves we once knew. She continues to blossom in a way that is inspiring as a daughter to behold & I'd imagine much of that is from the strength she finds in the Lord & Chuck each day.
As we experience our new life, we do so knowing that we have a presence with us that has changed us. We are reminded to do just that... experience it... feel it... relish in it, because we get the opportunity to have it.
I have to share a quick little story from last November. It was the first time in a long time that we had the entire Wagner clan together for an early Thanksgiving in Iowa. As always we'd brought the baby monitor to check on both of the kids while they were sleeping. While Mia snoozed the night away, Cameron was different. We kept hearing him talking to someone, but no one was in the basement. We gave him a little more time, but the happy chatter persisted. I walked downstairs to tuck him in & when I found him he was wide awake & grinning. I asked who he'd been talking to & his response still gives me chills, "Grandpa Chucky." Clear as day, without prompting, he pointed to the corner & said he'd been talking to his Grandpa :)
He is with us. Always with us. We miss him, but our love & recollection of him never falters. We love you Dad, Chucky! And I truly hope - as Cameron envisioned today... that you're on a beach somewhere... relaxing, pain-free & happy knowing that you continue to be loved, cherished & appreciated but those of us that were lucky enough to call you ours :)
Between the two of us, Josh & I usually discuss how much we miss him... which leads to stories... which then lead to laughter... & some tears, whether they be happy or sad. Lately, we keep ending on what type of grandparent that we know that Dad would've been. From watching Cameron shoot baskets in the backyard, to seeing Mia spin her little dance circles all over the house, to each birthday party, to the winter holidays watching Christmas Vacation & the Muppet Christmas Carol, to each tiny egg hidden on our Easter scavenger hunt... he would've been there. And every event, all of it, would've been better if he were there. We try not to get stuck in the "what ifs" because they don't allow us to fully embrace how beautiful each moment of our life is & we know he wouldn't want that for us. Instead we have started to laugh, smile & discuss with each other the little things that happen in every day life that we know he'd love. I try to imagine the joy he gets watching Cameron play with his excavators in our garden, digging up treasure or better yet burying his sister. Picturing him smiling at our glow light bath time parties, trips to the zoo & movie nights with popcorn & m&ms. I also would bet that he enjoys watching Josh get to father a little girl... a very loving, independent & daring little girl. Mia would have given even Chuck a run for his money I can promise him that. I imagine (better yet I pray) that he is proud of the people Josh & me are becoming, not only as parents, but in our marriage to one another. He instilled so many qualities in us & facilitated our union in a way that many couples aren't lucky enough to have someone do that we continue to want to honor that in any way we can.
I bet that he is proud of Kody... that he laughs seeing him annoyed with all of the geese behind his house & smiles seeing him accomplish each advancement with his new home. That while it's hard seeing the family separated in different areas of the country, it's nice to see Kody & Bob back together & working diligently at a company he worked so passionately to develop.
Most importantly... that the two main women in his life are at peace. A peace that we weren't sure that any of us would be able to reach when he passed away. Grandma, God bless her, is still able to tolerate the Iowa winters after all of these years which I know he must be impressed by. Seeing her continue to spread the word of God, graciously pray over all of us & remind us that "it's all good" must make him satisfied too. And last, but never least, Shelly. I picture him looking down & adoringly watching her run, travel, laugh, smile, cook, pray & just find the place to be her again. Not the her that she was with him... because none of us will ever be exactly that person again, but instead an adaptation of the selves we once knew. She continues to blossom in a way that is inspiring as a daughter to behold & I'd imagine much of that is from the strength she finds in the Lord & Chuck each day.
As we experience our new life, we do so knowing that we have a presence with us that has changed us. We are reminded to do just that... experience it... feel it... relish in it, because we get the opportunity to have it.
I have to share a quick little story from last November. It was the first time in a long time that we had the entire Wagner clan together for an early Thanksgiving in Iowa. As always we'd brought the baby monitor to check on both of the kids while they were sleeping. While Mia snoozed the night away, Cameron was different. We kept hearing him talking to someone, but no one was in the basement. We gave him a little more time, but the happy chatter persisted. I walked downstairs to tuck him in & when I found him he was wide awake & grinning. I asked who he'd been talking to & his response still gives me chills, "Grandpa Chucky." Clear as day, without prompting, he pointed to the corner & said he'd been talking to his Grandpa :)
He is with us. Always with us. We miss him, but our love & recollection of him never falters. We love you Dad, Chucky! And I truly hope - as Cameron envisioned today... that you're on a beach somewhere... relaxing, pain-free & happy knowing that you continue to be loved, cherished & appreciated but those of us that were lucky enough to call you ours :)
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