Two years.  Two years since we watched you take your last breath.  Two years since we watched you open your eyes one last time.  Two years since we last touched you.  

Time is hard to comprehend when it feels so long ago and like it just happened.  We may cry less, but we miss you more.  We still talk about you daily, your sister is always asking about you and Heaven.  She wants to know what part of the sky you’re in.  She wants to know if you have toys, or cats, or a TV.  She somehow understands that we can not visit you or get our questions answered, but she is quite certain that babies come from Heaven and that we have all been there before, we just don’t remember.  Your sister has done so much growing this year but we are often reminded that her little soul has also been traumatized by losing you.  She is so worried any time we say good bye.  She is so anxious to know where we will be at all times…. when we will pick her up from school, or come back to her room from the laundry room.  She knows it is possible for someone to not return and as hard as we try, there is no way to assure her and satisfy her worry.  It’s the same worry we have since we know that horrible things can and do happen.  It still shocks me that I can remember all the horrible things you had to go through so easily, the tears, the screaming, the ugly parts of cancer treatment…they come to mind in an instant, before the wonderful, funny, and happy moments.  I’ve treasured some of the last memories of you cracking up to movies… movies I have yet to introduce your sister to for fear that new memories may make those special ones harder to pull forward.    I never sing your sister “you are my sunshine” because daddy used sing that to you every night- begging that you not be taken from us.  These actions make me feel selfish and that it’s unfair to your sister, but I try to be patient with myself, just as your daddy has been with me since the moment you were diagnosed. You really got the best dad, he’s continued to move us forward, find us happiness, and help all of us with daily ups and downs while also missing you beyond belief.  We both love you and miss you so much, an indescribable deep pain that has softened but is always lingering.

We’ve had a lot of change over this past year buddy.  We sold our house and moved in with Mammie and Pappy.  Mommy left her job in the hospital and working the night shift for more regular hours and an office job.  And guess what bud? You’re going to be a big brother again.  That may have been one of the hardest decision your daddy and I made this past year.  I can’t help but cry when I think about the fact that your baby brother or sister won’t get to meet you, play with you, learn from you, and grow old with you.  Hopefully your sister is right and you got to meet this baby in Heaven before we get to.  Your sister is beyond excited and we are too.  We thought so much about how bringing another baby into this world could affect us.  We have so much worry that we work hard to tamper down, but you showed us how much joy can come from a child, even if only for a short time.  You showed us how fulfilled we could be from watching our children learn and grow, and we feel so blessed to be able to bring another child into our family.  

We have continued to be grateful for all of those who gave us every fighting chance to keep Christopher here with us.  We have continued to be grateful for all of those who found ways to bring Christopher joy and support us.  We feel compelled to pay it forward and provide families going through a traumatic experience the same small comforts we were gifted.  If you would like to help us give back to the hospitals that did everything they could for us, below is a link to an Amazon registry with many things Christopher would have loved and many things that kids need to distract them from their reality.  We will be donating everything to Kaiser Oakland and UCSF Children’s Hospital.  Thank you again to everyone who has continued to love on us, been patient with us, prayed for us and supported us.  💛💛

https://www.amazon.com/registries/custom/3JP0CCCT3SLL9/guest-view