HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, SWEET PEA!

I thought I would write this morning, but somehow I could never get past the beginning. My chest tightened. A lump would swell in my throat and a flood of thoughts and emotions came so quickly all I could do was switch gears. Today is 12 years for Chip and I. I promised him we would always be married and I would continue to count the years together. I know that the number will only matter here on earth, for eternity is uncountable. I am so grateful for eternity. I look forward to being able to spend time together WITH our Lord. I have so many questions I cannot get answers to and just must wait. In the meantime, I continue to put into perspective this phase of life.

I was sent a beautiful book called "A Widow's Journey: Reflections on Walking Alone", by Gayle Roper. It is a bittersweet read. I resonate and push away at the same time. It is hard to explain this reality of being without Chip physically and yet feeling his presence here. I cannot consider myself "alone". I so miss holding his hand in mine and being held by his. I miss that sense of security just knowing he is here. Even though he was unable to get out of bed unassisted, we all still felt so protected by him. He made everything right in the world. I am just barely into the book, but it addresses this in-between state. While I have peace, I am not altogether happy with this state.

I hate not being able to just talk with him, whatever the topic. Even to disagree would be nice to hear his voice. I have been going through and saving photos and videos on my phone and have caught my breath hearing him. So thankful that I am able to hear him. Able to reminisce about the events captured. He completed me so perfectly it is hard to understand what I am to do now. One thought that has comforted me was the realization the when God arranged our meeting, He foreknew what Chip was going to go through, and chose me as the one to care for him. I am so blessed to have been able to complement Chip. To be his helpmeet, to understand him and anticipate what he needed to buffer him from the challenges of this world. I praise the Lord he does not suffer here. He no longer toils here. He is truly complete and whole and waits for us to come home.

Cat and I went to Jason's Deli today for lunch. We took Chip with us. It's the place we celebrated many birthdays and anniversaries. Once, we went to Bonefish Grill for our anniversary only they didn't actually have the wild caught salmon he had called ahead about. I found Chilean Sea Bass on the menu and a quick search gave me confidence it was okay for us to eat since it was a deep sea fish (definitely wild caught). I ordered, but he wouldn't veer from what he could eat and was content to watch me eat and enjoy. We then went across the street to Jason's Deli and he got his Wild Caught Salmon sandwich and I was content to happily watch him eat!

Oh to gaze into his deep blue eyes, with that twinkle of mischief and quirky grin, wondering what he was up  to. He could be so convincing and pull your leg without knowing what hit you, but be so hilarious you couldn't help but laugh! So full of life and adventure...how do I adventure now. I am not sure I will ever really know. 

12 years ago today, I said "I do" and began a forever journey with my Chip, my best friend, my love and joy and my hearts desire. I continue to love you and am grateful for all you do for me still. Thank you Jesus for my husband, Chip Montgomery.