It’s late at night…actually early morning. And I can’t stop thinking about things. So many thoughts have been clouding my head and I decided it was time to write.

I am planning my 50th birthday party for the end of March. Almost every time it comes to mind I am reminded of Cherie’s 50th.  She wanted to make such a big deal of it. There were so many things that had to be “just right”. She definitely wanted lights strung everywhere. She wanted all her friends there and she wanted all of them to feel welcome. With so many ideas, and a very limited budget, we decided that a potluck at the park would be the best option. We planned the party a little later in May so my kids would be home from college…Cherie wanted my oldest son and my daughter to sing together for the background music. She loved their voices and wanted to share them with all her friends. She was also counting on the sound system expertise of my second son to make it all happen! Well, it all happened and it was a wonderful night for her! And then, 6 months later, we found out she would only be 51 when she would pass from this life on earth.

Yesterday, I was at my parents’ house, and my dad pointed out that Linda Bale had dropped off the jars and candles that were used for Cherie’s 50th birthday party. They were for me to take home and use for my own 50th birthday party. I was numb when I looked at the boxes. I loaded them in my car and thought nothing of it. Now that I’m actually planning my own party, I find myself not wanting to open those boxes! Every gesture of pulling them from the boxes will pull at my heartstrings as I think of how important those jars of light were to Cherie.

And now I find myself wanting to plan my own 50th party, with the best music, the best food, and all of my friends! I understand how important it was to her because now it’s important to me! When I look back at that celebration, I can only hope that she felt special on that day because she would only have one more birthday to celebrate on earth. I hoped that her 50th was as special as she had wanted it to be.

I realized yesterday that there are two things at work in my heart and mind:

1).  I will be turning 50 at the end of March, just as my sister did 3 years ago. She was already having symptoms of her cancer.

2). My best friend has breast cancer… and today I realized, when she texted me how she’s losing clumps of her hair because of her treatment, that I am not really that far removed from my sister’s life in 2018, 3 years ago, when she learned of her own cancer.

I’ve been helping my parents decorate their new home. Every time I really think about it, I laugh. Cherie was the decorator…and she definitely would let us all know if she thought something looked horrible! Sometimes I wonder what Cherie would think of the choices we have made to decorate mom and dad’s new place. I’m sure she would have many words for the things we have chosen…maybe good, maybe bad. It doesn’t matter now, but I sure do wonder! I find myself asking in my head, “Would Cherie think this is the best thing to decorate mom and dad’s new place?” Usually the answer is no. I just can’t seem to find that excellent piece of art that my parents and Cherie would love every time they looked at it. But, when I think about it, I know that the perfect piece will reveal itself when I remind myself that Cherie doesn’t have to approve anymore. That is scary, but real. Her taste was unique, but true to herself. I want my mom and dad to find that perfect piece that will touch their hearts every time they look at it. I want them to love what they hang on their walls, just as Cherie did, in every way.

Now that my best friend has cancer and is going through treatment, I remember, almost daily, that many things in this life just don’t matter. I want my friend to live life and love it. I don’t care if the neighbor dog behind us is barking or if my car needs a wash or even if my mascara is smeared. In fact, I really don’t care what kind of food I serve at my 50th, as long as she can be there. I’m trying to make it special because I know Cherie would have wanted it that way, but I find that I’m trying to make it special just to spend some precious moments with my friend, next to the jars of light that were at Cherie’s 50th birthday.

Praise be to the Lord God Almighty