No Clever Title Today

It’s 3:45am and I am awake. I awakened perhaps hearing the storm about 2am. 

Forgive my long absence from posting...it’s simply been too hard. God is in this storm but I won’t lie, I am tired, we are tired. I know God is in the center and I am so thankful but I am sad.

That three letter word is simplistic for so much that I feel. My son is still there, somewhere... I feel like we are in the deep trying to pull him out of the water as we all sputter and cough... some days the eating is so much better! He isn’t leaving a bird nest of crumbs, wearing his yogurt or hiding his food. Charlie Meeks IS eating.

What is hard are the daily demands to go back to the grocery section for 4 boxes of larabars or 32 Yoo-hoos... begging for meals only from McDonalds (“we don’t eat there” now we do) or for a grilled cheese from McCalisters for every meal. Watching him spit on the ground kills me as I tell him that’s not polite but aching as I know he somehow thinks this will relieve him of calorie intake. 

I’m sure this makes no sense... you are thinking, your kid is eating lady! Yes and no. The anxiety and OCD are mounting. We did this BEFORE we went to treatment in Plano. I don’t want anymore food falling out of my fridge. His portions are deliberating small and precise.  So yes, it’s 3 meals a day and we celebrate that but it’s still a struggle. 

The stuff of good and we learned all food is good food...Our child is chewing and swallowing, he is smiling and dreaming again. Please pray for the obsessive cycles of thought, the screaming and throwing of water bottles at those he is angry with. Charlie IS there. We see him and see beautiful glimpses. Please Lord restore him completely. 

Charlie is not as concerned with fat and we are able to speak more openly about “energy” and he has added something he has coined as BINNER! Ha! This is a bedtime snack that is larger than his other snacks! This is amazing that our almost 11 year has done this! He wants to play sports and when he realized that he had lost some of his restored weight, he came up with this after much discussion. This is a victory! 

Henry, our now 4 year old is observing behaviors... we try to shield but how do you do that? I understand families are messy and I am thankful but it’s hard for this momma not to worry...

Henry had his 4 year appointment yesterday and the doctor told me he had lost weight since November. I must have had a look of shock... when I explained to the doctor our recent journey, she said it was probably due to the stress we are all walking through. That makes sense, I tell myself but it still hits my core. I catch my breath and recover as my boy regroups from 3 vaccination shots.  He unwraps his grape lollipop, hops off the table and is ready to exit with a smile. 

I know our Lord fills the in-between spaces...the deep wounds. I tell our students this and I believe it. I just wish healing didn’t hurt. 

One of our students took his life a week after walking in the graduation line. We crammed into a tiny airless chapel last Friday in Houston. These moments are hard, especially when the prayer is for Victory. I know Lance is soaring and free now. The weight feels too similar and I get on my knees and pray again.

I awake with the shaking of the trees and thank God for the rattling of the windows. I am awake, I catch my breath. I thank God. My children sleep in innocent slumber piled into our bed with limbs dangling and crossed.  Tomorrow is a new day. 

I dragged four limbs that fell from the storm the size of full trees to the alley today. I felt strong.  Our boy will be strong again. That is my prayer. He is renewed in God’s mighty wind,  he feels your prayers. We need no title. We walk in thanks with determination.