Family & Friends,

I didn't know what to title this post, so I just went with what I knew...an ending of a chapter. I will warn you that this is a long(er) post and it has a lot to do with being pretty vulnerable, not to mention I have a tendency of being wordy. 

As you may recall from my first entry, all my medical issues were discovered as a result of wanting to move forward with fertility treatment and needing to get care providers to sign off it due to my complex medical history. With everything that has been developing over the last couple months, I had been asking the doctors if pregnancy was truly an option – no one could give me an answer other than, that’s our goal. In a consultation with my IR doctor (prior to the surgery) I asked again and really shared that I didn’t want to be given false hope that it was a possibility if the team knew I was still high risk as a result of everything that they are discovering. This doctor really heard what I was saying and said he’d get to the bottom of everything for me.

About 10 days later I got a call from Maternal Fetal Medicine OB/GYN team saying that they wanted to schedule me an appointment with me for February 4th. When the call came I was confused, and honestly a little annoyed (mind you I forgot I had asked this from the IR doctor). I simply said 'I don’t understand why you guys need to see me when I’m undergoing a procedure soon and getting pregnant isn’t really a priority or on my mind at this point.' The nurse informed me that I could decline the appointment if I’d like but they would like to discuss our options with pregnancy given all my medical updates. My heart sank (quite) a bit and with a flat tone said 'okay, 8:45 works' (I may have also rolled my eyes as I said it, thankfully it was just a phone call and no one saw). 

Over the last few weeks, I reread all the notes I had taken from my doctor’s appointments and reran every conversation through my head. I decided it was best to prepare myself with the worst news and go into this conversation with the lowest expectations. I mean, if the doctors gave me a good update then I would be happier, right?

February 3rd: 

I got a call that Ollie was able to join at the appointment, as they lifted the no visitor policy, praise Jesus. I asked Ollie if this was something, he could attend last minute and his response was nothing short of amazing – 'you want me there, I will be there. Let me get it sorted with work.' Attending with me was his priority which made me feel a little at ease that this appointment was something I did not have to do by myself. 

February 4th: 

We knew this could be hard, so Ollie suggested I go grab a Starbucks on the way (man does he know me)! After our quick stop for my almond milk latte, we made the trek over to the U (for those in MN, this was the day we had a terrible rain followed by a snow storm, so lets just say I was white knuckling it the whole 30 minutes drive!). 

I would like to start this with that all my conversations with doctors & specialists I have felt confident with what was discussed, next steps and really being able to explain this to close family and friends. 

After entering the consultation room we were joined with 2 doctors...and of course this is the day where a lot of things got fuzzy. I remember them mentioning about the things we already knew with my health (my childhood Leukemia, the Portal Hypertension and the aneurisms discovered). I remember them talking about the aneurisms and them needing to be coiled, if we decided to pursue pregnancy - and they started to talk about risks associated with aneurisms. They said that there also are additional risks that they know of associated with Portal Hypertension as a result of Cirrhosis of the Liver (this is not what I have) and then there could be additional risks that they won't be able to provide me as there really isn't much information out there with Non-Cirrhosis of the Liver Portal Hypertension (great)!

I remember before they started going into detail - I told them I have prepared myself mentally with low expectations and if I come across unemotional that's why. Then they started talking and though I was holding a conversation, I couldn't retain anything. 

After about 25 minutes of talking with the doctors this conversation transpired: 

Charla: '(Doctors) Can you be more clear' 
Ollie: 'Charla, they are being clear.' 
Charla: I was offended, I mean how could Ollie be so rude and interrupt me as I was asking the doctor a question. So I followed his comment with 'this is clear to you?' 
Ollie: 'Yes, you cannot get pregnant, it is not safe.'

I looked at the doctors and they nodded. They simply said though you would be monitored, with what we do know you would be considered high fatality. Saying that there is also a lot of risks that we don't know.

That was it. I was numb. We finished our conversation and packed our things up. We walked out of the clinic and headed to the elevator where Ollie hugged me. I told him I'm devastated. He could tell I shut off, especially when I asked them to be clear....5 times (I understand now why he stepped in - thankful that he was there to join me). Because I was shocked I could not fully understand the risks I needed to wait for the doctors notes to come through - here are the major risks they know of that has been associated with Cirrhosis of the Liver Portal Hypertensions (all which are approximately 20%+ risks): 

1. Spelenic Artery Aneurisms: Though they would coil the current aneurisms there's a high chance that these could develop as a result of high estrogen and blood flow. There's a 20% chance that if these developed that they would rupture (with a 70% mother fatality & 90% baby)
2. Postpartum hemorrhage
3. Pulmonary hypertension associated with portal hypertension
4. Decompensation
5. Variceal bleeding 
6. Esophageal varcies

When the doctors talked with us they didn't say you cannot get pregnant (because lets face it if we weren't struggling with infertility we could just get pregnant if we wanted). Instead they talked about the risks and complications and I could just not understand this. I needed the answer to be more black and white - again thankful Ollie could figure this out and tell me.

This Last Week:  

I have such a strong support network I cannot even begin to describe. Firstly, if you are walking through a hard time no matter the topic - I ENCOURAGE you to reach out to a few close people who can be there to listen, guide, encourage and pray for you! 

A dear, dear friend who knows me SO well gave me the best advice after I shared my update with her - ‘take time for myself and grieve this news.’ She literally said ‘I know you will start thinking okay this didn't work, lets figure out the next step.’ She reminded me that if I don't take time out to grieve and process this that somewhere down the line this could come out. I cried, she was right but I was honest and said 'I don't know if I even know how to grieve.' My way of handling things is to keep busy...it's what I've always done. She encouraged me to take some time off work (like I've not had enough), to just process this news, reminded me to take each day as it comes and do whatever I needed for that day. She knows me so, so well.

I'm an open book. I am like this for multiple reasons: people know how to support you, people can pray for you, understand why you may have an ‘off’ day, start (or stop) asking questions, can share their stories so you don't feel so alone...this list could go on. Thankfully,  I continue to have a supportive (work) team. My manager is has been aware of the obstacles we've faced over the last couple of years. After talking with her she was so saddened to hear what we continue to walk through and her response was 'do what you need to do for you - work is not a priority right now.' WHAT A BLESSING. 

My work also has a group for people that are walking through adoption and fostering (and usually infertility pops up here). Prior to all this I was mentor matched with one of the woman who helps run the program and knows a lot about infertility and the pains and struggles that go along with this. She recommended me to a therapist who specializes in this area while helping decide what our next step to parenthood is. After reaching out I was blessed to have a late evening chat with this therapist and she made room in her calendar to meet with me the next day! If you are walking through infertility or adoption please reach out and I'd be happy to provide her name, to see if she might be a good fit for you. 

So apart from crying (lots) and meeting with my therapist I have caught up with some close friends over lunch and cake, chatted with family, sat in my PJs all day, binge watched Netflix series, listening to some Christian music, lots of puppy snuggles, eating more chocolate than I have ever had in my life (I'm not usually a sweet person but thankful that we had some Ghiradelli extra dark chocolate chips). and have  read some books on the topics of loss, grief, life being unfair, not being okay and being childless. 

I have had a few people ask me how I feel and how I'm coping. All I can say is 'I'm okay' or 'I'm fine'. What else can I say? I am shocked and angry...beyond angry. My whole life I've know this to be the 1 thing I ever  wanted and it's been ripped beneath my feet...abruptly. I did not have a choice. 

What it really boils down to is my chemotherapy took something so precious away from me and I just am in shock. 13 years of wanting this with Ollie and 4 years of pain and struggles put into trying for our own baby coming to an end. And that's exactly what this is...it's closure and an ending of a chapter, that this isn't our path to parenthood. 

What's Next: 

At this point it has taken every ounce of me to not look more into adoption or surrogacy, but rather work through and processing this news. I  am continuing to meet with my therapist and she will help guide us into a direction that works for us both taking into consideration both emotional and financial costs. For now...I'm working on my mental health and ensuring I'm continuing to take care of my health.

I know that I will be okay...that we will be okay. I don't get it...I don't see it and it's not fair. I remind myself in all these moments of pain that God has a bigger & better plan. I am still holding onto that hope and knowing we will have a family and it will be perfect (for us). I am SO blessed that God protected me in not getting pregnant. The amount of pain with every negative test, all the emotional turmoil caused, the obstacles we faced time and time again - I would grit my teeth with tears (lots of tears) and say I don't understand but I'm going through this all for a reason...and I really see that reason now. 

Oh I forgot to add...in other news my platelets came back at 239K! Again average is 150K - 300K and mine (as far as I can remember) have ranged anywhere from 20-95K. Around the time of my procedure they were 94K so this improvement is great! The work that the team has done has been successful from this point too!!

I will still need care for my portal hypertension and will be meeting with my care team in March & April including more testing. I don't know what the long term looks for all this but plan to ask in those appointments.  I do know we will still have the aneurisms to monitor, watch to make sure my platelets continue to stay improved & the TIPS procedure will be a topic for consideration. 

We continue to thank you for all the love and support over the last few months and appreciate all the thoughts, prayers and love as we move forward from here. We know it will be a hard road ahead with a lot of unknowns but we know we confident that we will have our little family someday. 

Love, 
Ollie, Charla & the furbabies. 

PS: I do hope that someone who reads this knows they are not alone when it comes to infertility, medical issues, loss, grief...you are not! Just because our path isn't the one we hoped, I encourage you to reach out if you need someone to talk to regarding this topic. I may not always know what to say but have walked this path (for a long time), so I understand all the feelings.  We will always be on the sidelines cheering for friends and family!