I know, I know, I know.

It seems like I've been gone a long time.
To sum it all up, my life has been a challenge and not pleasant. 
I have good moments and then I fall down.
When I fall down, the feeling I get is a sorrow that I can't deal with.
I know I have God. I know I have Jesus. I know I have the Holy Spirit.
I know I have my beautiful family.
I KNOW.
But I'm still a human being with flaws and doubts and anxiety and most of all, LOSS.
My loss is complete and all encompassing. It occupies my brain and every thought that I have.
The loss is now affecting how my heart beats.
I went to give blood and they rejected me. My heartbeat
has 17 irregularities every 60 seconds.
I'm having my heart scanned soon to see if it's JUST a broken heart of if there is really something wrong.
I'm striving to move forward with my life. Going to grief counseling and grief group sessions.
Taking medications to help me sleep and help me with everyday life.
I'm planning my future full of new experiences and adventures.
My psychiatrist, my Dr, my counselor, my grief group, my family all say I'm doing great...really?
It's hard to believe that I'm doing great, when all I feel is this tremendous loss that I can't change.
I need to walk my dog right now. I will be back. Never underestimate the unconditional love from a dog!
I go to work every day and I solve problems. My problem-solving abilities have diminished. 
My thought process has changed. My outlook on life has changed. I don't look at the world in the same way.
This is my reality and not some fake persona I put on every day. I considered deleting this entire post for fear that it might put a bad light on my progress. My progress has been significant, but my progress will never be complete. My life will always be about loss and yes, I KNOW, I KNOW, life is not supposed to be easy. I know all this because, I'm an adult.

I wrote those words a month ago and now I'm back to finish this post. If there is anyone left on the caring bridge site, I'm glad you're still here for me. Without my family, my friends, or the counselors I talk to on a constant basis, I would not still be here, literally. I can't sugar coat this. I am in the middle of the hardest time of my life. I think about Cathy every day. I feel the loss of her with every breath I take. I feel so thankful that God put her and I together. We changed each other, for the better.  I would like to end this post quoting scripture.  God uses everything to accomplish his will. (Colossians 1:17).  Only in heaven will we be able to see God's purpose. So, between now and our homecoming, we can only do what Joseph did. TRUST. WAIT. PRAY. And BELIEVE. For me the WAITING is the hardest part...

My Love to all,

Robert,