Carol,

I am into my third week at your favorite place on earth.
People write to me and inquire how my "new normal" is going. For the most part, there is nothing painful happening (besides the pain from the huge increase in my activity of paddle boarding and all the chores I am doing. But, despite the pain I really like my new SUP so I endure and grow stronger. The weather in August has been amazing so every day I say, "Carol would have loved it today." I catch myself out on our deck at around 7:00. The heat of the day is lifting, there is a light cooling breeze caressing me and I go nostalgic/melancholy and slide back into the grief mode. This was your favorite time of the day, when you would settle into your deck chair with your extra large Yeti thermal cup filled with ice and Mexican Pepsi/Coke and soak up the north country with all its sights, sounds (or lack thereof) and beauty. The sun is sparkling off the water making a million diamonds dance in front of us. The troubles of life would melt away, you would go into your questioning mode if the kids were there with you and all was good with life.

I felt you yesterday. It was like you came to me and sat with me for just a few minutes to comfort me and share the splendor. Then you were gone. I fear some will think I am going crazy or that my theology is slipping, but I really don't care anymore. As the months go by you are fading from my memory. Not that I don't remember who you were, oh no, that would be a physical malady that would take everything away. This fade is just the intensity of how I felt for those 62 days and the weeks afterward. I completely agree with what C.S. Lewis said. It IS like losing a limb. Thank God, that the initial intensity has passed, but with the passing so the feeling of you. Some of the memories I am glad to have faded for it was not really you but the horrific memory of your body changing from a vital living/loving person to a diseased overwhelmed one as the body, we identified as you, morphed into a container you could no longer inhabit.

What I experience now are periodic times of you unexpectedly showing up, like on my return from the Soo after buying groceries for Chris's family.
Following my current agenda of trying to be both Poppa and Gram to the kids, I very frequently ask, what would Carol do? I thought that you would want to go to the Soo and pick up food so they did not have to lose a day involved in that task. On my way back from the Soo your presence was felt so strongly and I swear you kissed me. I did not ask you to kiss me but all of a sudden I knew I had been kissed and it was you. Not the sick, or even older you. It was a young healthy, vibrant, smiling you that gently caressed me. No doubt in my mind. It was such a surprise for that was something completely new. The feeling lasted for the next hour, not as intense, but I could still access the feeling or your kiss. (it was yummy:) I can almost get my mind to access it now as I write this and it has been days since that experience. That is how special it was to me. You have my permission to do that again anytime you wish:-0

Days went by and then one morning it hit me. I had gone to the Soo spent money that I would not normally spend, bought things for the kids that I would not normally buy, all of that without you. I had been motivated to do it all on my own. I think you were so pleased you showed up and rewarded me. What a great reward!
Just a gentle touch of your lips on mine, feeling so familiar, so US. I hope to never lose the memory of that special time, but I fear like the other memories that are fading that this one will slip away as well. (you will have to renenergize that for me hon:)
I came home and looked for a picture and I found the one that looked the most like the you that had kissed me. It was when we were dating and about 20 something. Dad captured you in a pose that made you look to me like a model. It made me think that when Jesus comes and makes all things new, you will be that beautiful radiant person once again. 

You gave us a directive concerning Piatt lake and family together times, as a response to my question of "what do we do without you." 
Your response was so wonderfully you. Ben loved it so much that he personally screen printed it on glasses that are now on our Piatt Kitchen shelf. 
You said, Make fires, make S'mores, (with a wink you added "with bacon") go fishing, take adventure walks, go swimming..."  Those were the big directives you gave us.
So this summer we followed those directives to the letter. The weather was warm and the late afternoons were beautiful enough for the boys to go back out in the lake for an evening swim and play on the camps water toys. As time went by the evenings became cooler and perfect for fires so the boys and Chris built several that were perfect for making S'mores. (and the last night we were together Hannah made her bacon squares)

It was really great memory making times but it was not the same, nor will it ever be again, for your absence was deeply felt and you cannot be replaced around the fire. We did not speak of it for it would have dampened the moments filled with children's enthusiasm for the fire and all that goes with it that you loved so much. But, know that in your children's heart there is an empty chair around each fire that will never be filled. The pain is lessening but the sweetness of those times with you will never be forgotten. We will reminisce time after time about what mom/gram Carol would have done or said here around the campfire on the shores of her favorite/special place on earth.

I have the difficult decision to make over whether to continue writing to you or not.
My thought and counsel from friends is to continue but not on CaringBridge. This was a wonderful place to be able to get the news out to all our friends and family about how YOU were doing but it is not, in my thinking the place for letters or journaling my personal thoughts/Journey. 
So, as hard as this is for me, for it is like creating more distance between us,(another connection I had to you is being laid to rest) This is my last CaringBridge journal post.

If you are reading this you are most likely praying and following me on this journey. If you would like to continue to follow my journaling please just go to Facebook and look up Friends of Bob and Carol. Then request to join our group.
Let me say one last time on this C.B. site that you all have been such an encouragement to me in your prayers, suggestions and wise counsel. Carol was overwhelmed with the love she received and I continue to be uplifted by your love. You never know how truly wonderful your friends are until you need them. God bless you for your love and concern and please join me on Facebook.