I don't often talk or reach out to share when things are hard--and things have been really really hard.  I come back up to the surface when the most stress or danger has passed, when I feel organized and composed enough to get it together to share about myself or talk about my experience.  And, quite happily in shock, that is where I am today.  What a day to have had the oncology appointment I just had! And nearly a year to the day since my cancer surgery!

Tomorrow will be one year since my surgery.  Two things were clear to me as conclusions from today's oncology appointment: the past year and my cancer treatment have been really rough! and also, I am in a really good place right now, a place where I can actually start recovery.  And I need to.  

We learned from the last year that the 3rd phase of my cancer treatment was harder on me than the benefit it might get me in terms of reducing my risk of recurrence.  I had major negative impacts from the drugs that included some of the worst pain of my life (aside from childbirth), the possibility of/start of things moving in a bad direction that may have been leading to developing a secondary cancer (let's just stop that treatment right now so we don't find out!) resulting in invasive biopsies and and a lot of fear and worry from what was showing up on scans, complications that nearly lead to the need for secondary major surgery and definitely landed me in the ER, plus a host of other negative impacts to my quality of life that I will not detail here right now. For now, all is clear, no breast cancer, no ovarian cancer, no uterine cancer (and that is huge news!!).  Let me just say, it has been really hard and it is not over. I know they often say cancer treatment can be worse than cancer. I don't even know, I think they are just both awful. And even though I experienced some statistically very unlikely negative outcomes from treatments (along with the intended positive outcomes I'm reporting today)

I really do feel lucky in a million ways, and very very grateful.  

Thank you.

To everyone who wrote me a message on here or donated to the GoFundMe--every time that happened I felt less alone, more cared for, more held in community and in mind.  Thank you.  I also felt buoyed by my work, being able to continue to show up offering care to others, to use my mind and my experience in the service of caring for others who are also suffering, to have spaces that were not about me but where I could be competent and other-focused held me together in many ways. I really appreciate that through all of this I *mostly* could still show up, and when I couldn't, I didn't. 

I am not being dramatic when I say that the last year has ravaged me. The current state of my body and my heart are evidence (I think I've cried about 100 times this week and I was crap at wrestling my son last night).  My job now is to start to re-build, to start to build health.   My oncologist has recommended a Mediterranean diet and lifestyle, so I, of course would like to go to the Mediterranean--I'm thinking to Italy where I can ultimately retire. You can help me get there.

In all seriousness though, I will be working to prioritize caring for my body and my heart/whole life, while I also will continue to care for my awesome kids, partner,  clients  and patients. I will have testing (MRI/Mamos) every 6 months to make sure the cancer isn't paying another visit. For now, we're good.  Thanks for being here with me.