Happy 12 year Heart-iversary to me!

I am so grateful for another year on this planet because of the brilliant handywork of Dr. Miller at Stanford on this day in 2008. I have celebrated this day every year with such passion and excitement! The bigger the celebration the better! I have tattoos to prove it!

This year carries with it a different "vibe". Wrapping my head around the fact that I wouldn't be out creating chaos in the world, but instead in a complex and intense surgery for a tune up, was an adjustment that took me a long minute to process. But, I did, and I used every bit of emotional, physical and mental energy preparing myself and my loved ones for that. 

I have decided to be vulnerable and share my true feelings. This year is a struggle for me. Being around people? Nah. Celebrating? Nah. The last 2 years of prepping for this next surgery that we knew was inevitable have been turbulent, exhausting, informative...and physically, being in the beginning stages of heart failure, I have felt like crap most of the time. But I adapted my lifestyle and immersed myself in every possible alternative to surgery: fitness, weight loss, healthy lifestyle habits, knowledge, you name it. And hence, two more years! Then, early 2020 the decision was made that it was time to fix what was fixed. I was given permission to wait until after Lala's surgeries (to repair her aneurysm which she inherited from yours truly). I have spent more time during the last 5 months at Cedars, all during Covid which presents its own challenges. What Surgeon? Meet with a few, let them dissect and interpret in their expert opinion. when, where, how, what type of valve, who can do it, can we just do 18 more tests...??? Okay, we got this. Final word. Surgery NOW. AS long as you do it by the end of 2020, you're good. September 17th? Perfect. I love that date as an Anniversary for heart surgery. I had 5 weeks to go ALL IN and prepare and plan. Done.

Nope.not quite. I thought I was done. And then, one of my favorites jumped in with an assessment that could not be ignored.  Thats what I get for reaching out to "break up" with him? No, its positive, right? They will get on the same page and I am CERTAIN that everything that has been decided was well thought out, right? Well, yes, but what? I am confused.

Stay strong, stay focused. Keep an open mind. Do what is best. Wait, what? He said what to who? More tests? Talk to who? 

And then it happened. I broke. When I said in a previous post that Tom was there to pick me up off of the floor, that was literal. and I couldn't explain anything other than feeling broken. And today, on this amazing and special day, I just feel broken. I can't imagine ever feeling positive about this mess of a heart. But I don't reallly feel that way. I love my sweet heart. She has endured so much and I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Life is short, enjoy. Take care of yourself and those around you. Be kind. Having spent almost 15 years in the health care system, I have learned a lot. As an enigma, genetic mutant, whatever you want to call it...special, I apppreciate my team. Yes, I go very far out of my way to connect with them as people. They know I am in their corner and I know they are in mine. Which is why this turbulent ride has been difficult.

I have a dear and special friend who has allowed me to escape to her beach house for a few days. It is proving to be a life saver. I am able to process, share, love and work on repair from this experience. And for those of you that know me, I tend to default immediately to getting up and moving on! As they say in Book Of Mormon (and very accurately describes my childhood) "Turn It Off". Physiologically, it's time to listen to what my body and mind are saying. And right now they are saying ALOT. 

Thank you to all of you for having my back and allowing me, Cara Cohen, to be a sad sack. I really wish I had been blogging or vlogging this experience, just to put the real out there. I keep thinking about how this experience could really help somebody. We all have different reasons to feel overwhelmed, or even "broken". But there IS a warrior in all of us that can help us work through the tough times. 

Much Love,
Cara Mia