It’s been quite some time! To be honest I’m kinda struggling. Not sure why. This month always has me in the dumps and although I came up on my 3 year anniversary of my double mastectomy, I feel little joy to celebrate. That’s rotten. 

Late August I had my routine checkups and had another area of concern reviewed via ultrasound. Does that ever get easier? I don’t think so. I stared at the ceiling in the familiar room while the tech, nurse, and radiologist all had their discussions, left the room to talk, etc. The one nurse was great, came back and rubbed my shoulders as she saw my eyes  welling up. All was suspected good, will continue to monitor. I’m due for another MRI soon. Gosh I hate those things. 

We discussed my stupid meds. Words can’t express how much I hate those things. Everyone, everyone lectures me I need them, have to stay on them, etc. They have absolutely no idea the severity of the side effects and what daily life is like some days.  I know, they’re helping save my life and for that I’m eternally grateful, but I can still hate the side effects. 

A few days ago I saw my cousin in public and received the glare. Back story: BRACA2 gene mutation was known, but kept quiet as they felt it was their business. So… ok I understand it’s their health but that knowledge literally could have changed my life years ago. So, yep I’m angry. And I’m angry they tell people and believe I think they gave me cancer. No, no, no! I don’t. I do believe though they omitted information that could have changed my life. And I do have an issue that while suspicious areas of concern arose, I was further evaluated , they were fully aware and continued to stay mute. In fact Sioux City was going to wait and monitor me, but in my gut I didn’t feel comfortable with that. So, would they have told me then? It was only at my oncologists prodding given my age that the truth was revealed. 

I totally understand how that paragraph above makes me sound like an angry and hateful person and while although I don’t feel I am, this is a hard one for me to move past. It often crosses my mind when there is a family event where everyone will have to attend how I will respond. Ugh, I don’t know. Anger isn’t healthy but three years later I’m still not ready to tackle this anger. Instead I check it on a shelf and file for “later”. That can’t be healthy. 

I will say I shouted the news from the rooftop. I messaged family members. Some choose to listen, some did not, but I have faith I let them know of the potential risks they could or could not face. I have peace with that. 

I think this month brings me PTSD or something as I’m in a funk. There’s no reason for me to be unhappy, sad, etc. but I just am. Im angry and really miss the old me before cancer. Yet I know cancer instilled some wonderful things and taught me about life, true friendships, and what really matters. 

I’m also at a point where my kids are growing up, their lives are changing, their friends and social things are very important, and I’m really comprehending how fast this time has gone. What will I do when they leave! Ugh… we want them to fly and go experience this world, be great, and pursue happiness. I’m raising good kids, am so blessed to be their mama, but really miss those Elmo, Dora, Mickey Mouse days . ❤️ I’m gonna have to find a hobby!! My dogs are happy to see me each day I get home though!!!

Ok, this is a sad and self-pity post but one I think I needed to write. Journaling helps me mentally and I’ve gotten out of the habit. Time to put pen to paper again. 

I’ve been in great back pain for almost two months and was just dealing with. Well, I finally pursued medical attention and I have a bulging disc. Seeing my sister for PT and hopeful for a speedy turnaround. When I mentioned it to someone at work they seemed shocked, said I would have never known . You hide it well. Yes, I’m a master at hiding bad days. But, life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies and it’s important to acknowledge we all have our struggles. Social media is the highlight reel of my life, but I certainly don’t share all realities. That can be misleading to some. But, I do have a great life and overall am incredibly blessed. I know that. I feel that. 

Choose joy, Candace. Choose joy!