Not sharing for empathy, sympathy, what have yous. Just perspective, prayer, and to encourage support for research of pediatric cancers and other loved one we know facing cancer.
It's been a month. Grief is weird. It is hard. It is not consistent in how it rears it's annoying face. We have been grieving different losses regarding Everett for years. It's hard to share all the details so we don't and we won't here. But the ambiguous grief has now made way for the physically-on-earth-loss grief. Between Greg and I we have lost a parent , grandparents, friends here on earth...we have found losing a child is a deeper pain(not belittling anyone's grief here). But as a parent, we found we poured all of ourselves into Everett. There is the constant emptiness from where Everett was...to the peace of knowing where he is with Jesus in heaven while simultaneously the pain and ache of him no longer with us, being jealous of Jesus--He has our kiddos...we long for heaven with Jesus and our kids. Not suicidal. Just longing. While trying to make the most of each moment.
We are broken. We will not feel all the way better till we are altogether again. We were not made to be separated, that is sins doing. We will always feel the ache and loss of Everett whilst feeling whatever other feeling-positive or negative. We are learning how to live with out Everett physically here and how to carry that grief. There is laughing and crying, joy, and sorrow. It is all simultaneous for us.
We had to adjust to saying no so much because Everett was immunocompromised and/or sick or other people had symptoms....that went on for years...now we are slowly realizing that we have to adjust to just us and not being a part of as much in in one sense--we would bring Everett to a lot of kiddo things. It is weird because we have so much more experience than any parent should ever have, in parenting, because Everett lived more than any one person would ever live here on earth in his eight years here. It is like this bottomless well of love and experience.
All that to say is when folks ask how we are it is true when we often say: melting pot of emotions, we aren't numb anymore...The first month or so you hear of shock and things, not that you don't feel anything; it just doesn't really set in. After the first month people understandably move on...but not us.
It is almost more real in that light. It's beyond words, we are getting by, and we really are trying to take it one(&make the most of each) moment at a time...amidst all the feels.
Life isn't all terrible, Everett would want us to enjoy and make the most of life; but is very painful-we are so grateful for Jesus, one another, you all, and our sweet children up above that we wished we were with- but the pain, that doesn't leave. We have Jesus, each other, the good&good times, learning to make new ones without Everett physically with us, and you all that help us carry it in prayer and just by being there when able, and once again all the ways y'all have loved on us&donated to cancer research in honor of Everett, which means SO MUCH!!!-many many thanks. Please keep up helping fight this disease through funding pediatric cancer research and other sweet folks we know who are battling cancer we mention at the end of this entry.
Been in Psalm 103 lately, weird timing but it has encouraged me. All of Psalm 103 is good, but this section particularly vs. 4&5 are --my favorite. God is redeeming all this terrible and taking good care of us. It's not Him doing the awful to us. He loves us and He satisfies us with good, and works good out of it, so that we may be renewed. Blessing God with all of us&remembering His goodness(forgiveness, healing, redeeming, love&mercy, and satisfying, and renewing us and more) is the only way to go through life, He carries us through. Because of Jesus &the good/good times He has given/is giving)will give, there is so much good to remember and to bring to each day...and sometimes that good is just trying to live life and out one foot in front of the next while longing to be with Everett again.
Psalm 103:1-13 ESV
[1] Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! [2] Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, [3] who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, [4] who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, [5] who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. [6] The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. [7] He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. [8] The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. [9] He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. [10] He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. [11] For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; [12] as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. [13] As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
In the same breath...
Jesus wept in John 11. He knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, yet He wept....for the loss of a loved one, the ache of sin's ware in the world, and the pain of death.
So simultaneously with this good ....we also weep for the loss and carry it with the help and hope of Jesus and heaven.
Which leads me to share the following ...
I wrote a poem in prep for mother's and father's days...and then realized a bulk of it is too intense. I will share the last bit that is encouraging and for mother's and father's who have lost kiddos alike.
.....
Every mother's and father's day we will long to hold you and be with you in heaven
But will never stop fighting the cancer
By making the most of each moment
And, with all, sharing the love that we share
Till we are together again.
To the moms and dads out there who have lost children know that you are not alone
You and your kids heartbeats will always be one
Till we are together, in heaven, our home
Once a Momma, always a Momma
Once a Daddy, always a Daddy
You all are the BEST. No one could do what you have done in loving your heavenly daughter or heavenly son.
We weep with, and wait while making the most of the time given, with you. All our love.
With love,
And the reminder: parenthood is an honor, joy, and treasure always that we are so grateful for,
Amidst tears with hope,
Making the most of each moment,
Heidi
Also, please please pray for one of my best friends who is a sister to me (we grew up together), Emily Johns, who recently was diagnosed with a childhood cancer(as an adult) when coming to the states(she runs a nonprofit organization called Ignite Change in Uganda). Please follow her story here: https://new.caringbridge.org/site/88746777-0694-11ef-bb31-7932e9bad93c
And helping her adopt her three sons whom have been living with her since their mom died so they can come see their now Mom-Emily- here:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-the-adoption-of-emilys-boys-family-reunion?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet-first-launch&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer
As well as please please pray for our dear friend Brooke, her husband Aiden, and sweet 1 year old son Tatum, and her family-the Corey's and Perkins-from our church. Brooke also was diagnosed with cancer this year. Please follow and help here: https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brookecorley
Attached is a song that has been so encouraging these past few weeks by one of Everett, Greg, and I's favorite musicians, Andrew Peterson, "No More Faith"(we still have faith, and so does this guy, but his song is incredible!)
"No More Faith"
By Andrew Peterson
"This is not another song about the mountains,
except about how hard they are to move.
Have you ever stood before them
Like a mustard seed that's waiting for some proof.
I say faith is a burden, it's a weight to bear.
It's brave and bittersweet.
And hope is hard to hold to
Lord I believe, only help my unbelief.
Till there's no more faith and no more hope,
I'll see your face and Lord I'll know That only love remains.
Have you ever heard that Jesus is the answer?
Or thought about the many doubts you hide?
Have you wondered how He loves you?
If He really knows how dark you are inside?
I say faith is a burden, it's a weight to bear.
It's brave and bittersweet.
And hope is hard to hold to
Lord I believe, only help my unbelief.
Till there's no more faith and no more hope,
I'll see your face and Lord I'll know
There's no more faith, there's no more hope.
I'll sing your praise and let them go cause only love
Only Your love remains
So I will drive these roads in thunder and in rain
And I will sing your song at the top of my lungs
And I will praise you dear Lord in glory and in pain.
And I will follow you till this race is won
And I will drive these roads till this motor won't run
And I will sing your song from sea to shining sea
And I will praise you Lord till your Kingdom comes
And I will follow were You lead.
Till there's no more faith and no more hope,
I'll see your face and Lord I'll know
There's no more faith, there's no more hope.
I'll sing your praise and let them go...
Cause only love, Only Your love remains
Only love..."
