Journal entry by Brittany Freeman —
Hello hello!
If you’re reading this, you probably know me or know someone close to me. If you have no idea who the f*ck I am, I am no one special. I am actually quite boring and love living my quiet life with absolutely no attention. SURPRISE! Now the spotlight is on me standing in center stage.
Background:
I’m only 30 years old and have a 10 year old Son named Teagan. I’ve been with my significant other (Brett Freeman) since September 2013 and we were engaged in March 2019. Generally, I’ve always been in good health. I stay active, average weight, I do struggle with anxiety and have suffered from depression but usually I can work myself out of it with self care. I’ve been in the service industry for 16 years and I love what I do. That’s probably why I never got a degree because I actually highly enjoy going to work every day.
Recent events:
Winter of 2019/20 I noticed a small lump in my right breast. I monitored it with no changes for months and marked it up as just a larger breast gland due to the location and because that side was always the slightly bigger breast. Brett and I planned our wedding for May 23, 2020 but COVID-19 hit the world and shut our state down in March, forcing us to make the difficult decision to postpone our wedding a whole year.
Diagnosis:
Late May/ early June I felt changes in my breast. It was heavier, the lump was significantly larger, occasional shooting pain and an itchy nipple. I monitored it before, during, and after my menstrual cycle. Early July, I became concerned because my breast skin started to change in texture, leather-like.
Friday, July 10, I had a breast exam and removal of my IUD (in hopes to expand my family after marriage). My doctor was concerned about my breast because she noticed a reddish tint to the “inflamed” breast but Cancers usually don’t cause pain. She made me an appointment for the following Monday (7/13) at the Breast Center.
Monday, I went in for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound. Due to the abnormalities, they wanted to do a biopsy immediately. I met with the surgeon, nurses, and I honestly don’t remember a word any of them said.
Tuesday, July 14th, my surgeon called me while I was sitting in bed with Brett, “Inflammatory Breast Cancer”. My world literally crumbled. I cried out of anger. I cried out of fear. I cried for my Son, Fiancé and my family. I immediately went to my son and just held him. He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to see his Mother in tears, fear, pain, or weakness. I’m a strong Mother. I’m only 30. I’m only F*CK’N 30!!!
I texted my sister (Jillian) immediately because I just couldn’t bare to hear her voice or say those words to her. She told me that she was going leave in the morning and stay for a few days.
I called my boss for time off and I am so blessed to have such an amazingly supportive work family. I sat down with my Mother and Brothers Wife and cried with them. Then I drove to my Sons Father’s home and we started a plan of care for our son.
That night Brett and I sat down and mainly cried but we were able to say a few words. I had already been scheduled for the following week to place my portacath in. We both didn’t want to wait any longer to get married. Now is the time and Saturday was going to be the day.
Wedding planning:
Wednesday morning my Sister took a COVID test and drove from Chicago to upstate NY. I told her she didn’t have to but her response was “I know”. I then asked if she packed her Matron of honor dress. She immediately knew the shit show is about to go down.
Knowing that my Mother (Jo) is ordained, we asked her if she would host the ceremony but with the help from Bretts Mother (Lori). My Mom was honored and hit the ground running with little time to plan!
Brett called Lori over that night to talk. We sat her down and told her my diagnosis. As positive as she was, we all cried many tears and then told her we’re getting married on Saturday and that we want her to help my Mom host the ceremony. More tears from her with the biggest smile that I have ever witnessed.
I finally was able to call my Father (Davin) and mustered up the courage to tell him my results. He was silent. But the silence was full of pain and fear. He asked me what I needed from him. I said “I need you here by Friday”. Purposely leaving out the weekend plans because I didn’t want to send him into cardiac arrest.
Thursday I woke up to a clean kitchen (thank you Jilly) and we went shopping for wedding decor and supplies. Ordered a cake and flowers, literally shopped until we dropped. We were exhausted. We ended the night with our favorite local Pizza (Rossi’s) and Italian ice with almost both of our families including my Son’s Fathers and his kids.
I remember leaning against the brick wall watching most of my loved ones. I was standing closest to my Ex and I couldn’t help but to think, because of the two of us, we have this big beautiful blended family. His other kids running around with my niece and nephew, our son goofing off with my future SIL, my Mom chatting with my Ex’s Mom. Enjoying the site of my Sister, Brother and his wife welcoming my future husband into their family. It was a special moment to take in and a perfect summer night.
Friday I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon to discuss more in-depth about my diagnosis and treatments ahead. Im okay with losing my hair, it’s just hair and will grow back. I’m okay with losing my breasts, they are toxic to me and pretty shitty as is. I’ll be able to design a new set anyways!! What I couldn’t stand to hear was the high probability of me being infertile after my treatments.
I made a promise to myself and my son the first day I held him. I wouldn’t have more children until I was married. I was a young Mom and that definitely was not in my plans back then. I waited 10 years to finally marry my husband to extend my family. He’s going to be marrying a woman tomorrow who already has a child but will not be able give him any of his own.
Saturday, July 18th:
The best day of my life. My best friend (Felicia) did all the girls hair and brought mimosas. My Brother (Corey) and his wife (Jeanne) did all the food. Jillian arranged all the decorations. Lori ran around for last minute items. My Father picked up a SHIT ton of white roses and beer and wine because you can’t have a wedding without booze! Bretts Stepfather (Chuck) also brought a lot of beer. Bretts brother (Jordan) helped with nerves. Bretts best friend (Joe) helped with pregaming and running to the bank for me. Bretts sister (Victoria) wore a dress, and that is something to be proud of and honored by. My Mom arranged for an old family friend (Lou Ligouri) to do the photography, he then brought along his well known amazing daughter (Heather Esposito) who is a professional photographer. My stepfather (Mike) along with Lou, played guitar during the ceremony and Mike learned a special song that I wanted to be played while I walked down the aisle. My Father walked me down the aisle and I saw Brett in tears and my son who I live every day for, standing next to him smiling as I walked towards my perfect future. My Mom and Lori held a beautiful ceremony and I thank God along with all of my family and friends that I got to spend such a beautiful day with everyone I loved. The only people we had to FaceTime was my Brother (Chris) and his girlfriend Lacie) who lives in TX and JillIans Husband (Mark) back in Chicago.
And then all the boozers got in a circle and shotgunned some beers because you can’t have a backyard wedding without some competition. Joe is still shotgun champion but my sister almost took that title. That bitch is a beast!
To be continued...
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