I got a ride to church today. I needed to be around people. The sermon was excellent. I'll need to listen to it again. The people were happy to see me. I was happy to see them.

But there was one interaction that played itself over and over again and I wanted to talk about it here.

Almost every person I saw greeted me with "How are you?" Which makes sense. That is a very American greeting. Most of the time, it is simply a formality. "How are you?" usually gets the response "good, how are you?" And that is the response I gave most of the time. With people that I knew wanted a bit more, people I knew had been praying for me, people who knew I'd just had surgery, I gave them the, still culturally appropriate but slightly more real response, "hanging in there" or "I'm getting there" or something to indicate that I wasn't truly good. To that response, most people said, "well, you look good." And what could I say to that? "Thank you." And the conversation was over. 

"Well, you look good" seems like a complement. I'm sure every single one of those half dozen or so people meant it as a complement. But when someone doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel like a complement. It feels like a dismissal of the very real pain, whether physical or emotional, that I am experiencing. It doesn't acknowledge the effort I am putting into looking good. The several outfits I painfully tried on this morning, trying to find one that hid my medical equipment and my scars. The makeup added just so to disguise my lack of eyebrows, to give a little color to my pale cheeks. It doesn't acknowledge the doubts and fears and sleepless nights. And it shuts down further conversation. Because what do I say to that? "Thank you. It's a mask. I feel awful and I just came to church because I wanted to be around people because I live alone and was lonely."

I get that there are people who can't or don't want to enter into someone else's pain. I'm probably one of those people right now. When what you are carrying is too heavy for you, it is too much to expect you to also help carry someone else's pain. So, before I discuss what to say instead of "Well, you look good" when you want to engage with someone, I'm going to share how to avoid a conversation without saying "well, you look good."

What to say when you want to acknowledge someone's presence but don't want to or can't enter further into their life:

• Leave it at "How are you?"
• Don't ask a question, just say: "It's good to see you." (This one is my favorite. My coworkers said this when I returned from my last medical leave. It acknowledged my presence and my previous absence without leaving me in the awkward position of figuring out how much to say to a question about my wellbeing.)
• Say another nonquestion greeting such as hi, good morning, etc.
• Complement something specific (I got some of these this morning too and these did make me feel good):
  • "That color looks really good on you!"
  • "Your hair is really starting to grow back!"
  • "I really like your [shirt/earrings/scarf/etc.]"

And now, what to say if you want genuine answers (most of these are questions I got today, some are questions I've gotten in the past):

• Ask a specific question about how they are:
  
  • "How's your pain level?"
  • "When do you go back to work?"
  • "Do you need any rides/meals/help around the house?"
• Ask a specific question about a recent or future medical event:
  • "When did your mom leave?"
  • "How was your pain level after the surgery? I know you were worried about that."
  • "Now that you've had this surgery, what's next?"
• And, if you really want to enter in, here are the questions that I get asked the least frequently but that show me that someone truly cares. (caveat that if we barely know each other, keep it to the first question of "How can I be praying for you?"):
  • "How can I be praying for you?"
  • "How's your heart?"
  • "How are you and God?"

Again, "you look good" is not a bad thing to say and I do take it in the spirit in which it was intended. And, there are so many better things to say: things that don't negate the fact that I haven't felt good since August.