Ok....So, I haven't posted on Bradley's caring bridge site since 2012.  I tried to find it last week and couldn't, so a piece of me was crushed.  The folks at Caring bridge showed me how to make his site public again.  I think you may have still been able to view his site, if you were signed in.  I started to read the posts, but waves of emotions came flowing...so I did have to stop.  I am glad that I still have the history, because I will go through it again.  

Tomorrow marks 9 years since we lost Bradley.  Also, tomorrow would be his 27th Birthday.  One of the oddest things is watching his friends 'grow up'.  They have graduated college, bought houses, gotten married...had children.  I still see them as teenagers, like they can't grow up.  I will always wonder....what would Bradley be doing?  Where would he be in his life?  Would he be a dad and me a grandmother?  Guess it could drive you crazy if you would let it.  I know he completed God's plan, just not mine....as a mother....

Nine years have brought changes for us also.  His sister, Kaitlyn, who was 8 is almost 18 herself.  She is a senior at the high school Bradley went too (of course).  Now that she's older, she has went through the grieving process later.  Ok, I guess we're always going through grief, but I don't think she ever realized the loss until around middle school.  That is when her world crashed, more so than in 2010.  I could imagine how proud Bradley would be of her.  She has grown up to be a beautiful, intelligent, young lady.  She has a large heart, just like Bradley.  She is very interested in mental health and helping people.  She's surely went through more than most 17 years have been through.  I see a lot of Bradley in her, but she is also her own self.  I know he's got to be guiding and helping her along.  I am excited to be able to watch her graduate, go to college and see what God and life has in store for her.  

Changes for me came a few years back, when the company I worked for closed our Tennessee office and offered to move us to Indiana.  I couldn't make that move, being my family and life are here.  I will have to say that I had the best job for going through the 2 years of Bradley's treatment, being I had the advantage of working from the hospital.  I often think back and wonder how we all did it.  Keeping track of scans, clinic/office visits, chemo, radiation, Bradley's school, my job, another child @ home (who I know missed her mom and brother)...I don't know how we juggled everything, but when you're doing it....you don't think and ponder on it.   Oh, yes...I did get another job, as I needed it for my sanity and financial (of course).  It is with the school system doing payroll.  I love that it is about 5 minutes from my house and I don't have to travel, like I had to with my old job.  I'm fortunate to have a good group of people to work with, even though I did before too.  

I still have people tell me that they miss Bradley.  I know he made a impact on a lot of lives.  Again, he did the job God sent him to do.  After 9 years, I miss him as badly as ever. I don't expect him to come walking in the house or holler @ me from down the hall (like I use to, like you forget or want to forget he's gone).  I wish I had wise words to help someone who may be going through the grieving process, but I will say.....I don't think it gets 'easier', just you have your new normal.  Now, I can think of memories of him or talk about him and not cry.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do cry.  But I can smile when I talk about him too.  I had to choose life, because it would've been so easy to curl up on the couch and stay.  I chose life for my daughter who still needed (needs) her mother, my family and just me.  I would love to have changed places with Bradley, because he deserved life, but that is not how life works.  

I still pray for cures or better cure rates.  I pray for better treatments that aren't so harsh on bodies.  I don't know if we'll ever see it in my lifetime or ever.....  I try not to drive myself crazy wondering 'why'?  Why do people suffer, especially innocent kids.  Remember, September is Childhood cancer awareness.  Yes, it happens...children are diagnosed daily.....as a parent, it is something that you never want to hear.

I miss Bradley and I will until I take my last breath.  

Forever Bradley and Kaitlyn's mom,

Valerie