After the initial storm (I refer to the week of waiting for our first diagnosis as our storm week) in Katalina's pregnancy, I found the constant reminder to BE STILL. The "calm" after that storm felt eerily quiet, and I often wondered where God was in all of this. That's when He timed my weekly bible study to include the book of Esther, the book which does not mention God once. Through Esther, the Lord showed me his hidden hand working behind the scenes to protect his people and carry out his plan - using divine postponement and strategy. Timing and plan. Those two can easily consume a pregnant woman, especially when high-risk complications are thrown into the mix. I found myself trying to beat the calendar - if I could only move this appointment sooner, if I could only develop a better plan for Katalina's life with our doctors. Of course when you allow yourself to BE STILL, ("be present" or "be in the moment") your full calendar and all the lengths that you go to fill it with all the wonderful and detailed plans, can not take your peace and joy from you. We were given a peaceful and joyful pregnancy - and in that time God revealed his love and comfort in unimaginable measures, and He continues to... he STILL does.

Still. That's how Katalina was when we last "saw" her living in utero via ultrasound. We were blessed to be able to squeeze in an ultrasound the day before our scheduled hospital admission. Through Pittsburgh Bereavement Doulaswe were able to see our sweet girl for an elective, comfortable, non-diagnostic ultrasound to simply listen to and see her heart beat.. to see her image outside of our usual hospital setting, without an underlying fear of a new or worsening diagnosis or prognosis.

Simply Katalina in all her perfect beauty. Her heart was STILL beating.. our first thought every time we checked in on her.. and she was still, as if she were asleep.

At home, before and after that elective ultrasound appointment, we listened to Katalina's heartbeat through our own doppler device 3-4 times throughout the day, which was the first, only, and last time we had done so many "checks" in one day. Our routine was consistent: to listen for Katalina daily, at bedtime. I felt this nudge to listen for her as often as I could that day. Again, to be still and listen.

I felt Katalina move from her head down position, to upright (breech), in the middle of the night before I myself drifted off to sleep. This would be the last movement from Katalina that I felt and I will cherish that moment forever. I see it as a picture of Jesus lifting her up and into the arms of our Heavenly Father, and I now believe that's around the time that her heart stopped beating.

That night and morning, I lovingly prayed and packed and prepared to my best ability for what we planned would be a 10 week hospital stay to keep our eyes close on Katalina with additional testing and monitoring. In that time frame, when it was time, meaning, when the medical team caught our sweet girl inevitably needing to be saved, they would intervene and together we would give our all to help Katalina. 

Our admission day was finally here - and we were rushing ourselves out of and into doors, rustling around insurance information and identification, and of course.. the precisely packed bags which Ben was so thrilled to be in charge of lugging to and fro. It was within our first half hour at the hospital that we attempted to find Katalina's heartbeat.. over and over.. 4 specialists, 4 ultrasound machines later.. we accepted that our Katalina's heartbeat had been found in Heaven and was not ours to hear and feel anymore. My own heart felt still.. that's all that I can describe from those first moments. After the initial denial of the news being true, I felt a peace that overwhelmed and did not make any sense. We took the weekend at home to peacefully and intentionally process and absorb God's new direction for us.

The day Katalina was born still, my heart felt pain like it never had. Walking into the hospital I thought, this should be a happy walk as I should prepare to say hello to my baby, and instead, it's only sorrow as I think of saying goodbye to her. A few moments (and a long hall) later I collapsed and cried at a beautiful stained glass window as I saw a small baby being held and walking my way. I felt the Holy Spirit's immeasurable comfort and love as Ben wrapped his arms around me and prayed for us and our new daughter. Despite the overwhelming pain, I STILL felt loved.

I remember being crushed and humbled at the thought that all the love that my heart and body can possibly give is not enough for my precious Katalina. Hindsight shows me now that Katalina did not need our time; and our perspective and power would not be great enough for her life... Jesus is the one who held all that she needed, and STILL needs. God's divine perspective and intervention is for the best of each of his children, in his timing. That is the awe-inspiring notion that brings me back to clinging to our Lord when I feel the tide pulling me in.

I will forever be grateful for every precious minute I was given to carry Katalina, all the way to her heavenly destination. I could never have imagined a privilege so great, and I will cherish that honor always.