Cheers to one year! One year (and a day) ago, I had my double mastectomy. I’ve spent one year with these new boobs. At times it feels like a lifetime ago; and at others it feels like yesterday. My hair is coming back, curly. And life is slowly returning to normal.

I had my one year follow up appointment with Dr. Akbari, my surgical oncologist, on Tuesday. In these appointments; we basically check in on my life - primarily my well being; anything I may be concerned about; and a good solid boob exploration - searching for more cancer. And, I had my first survivor meeting with the oncology team in November. This meeting was a bit more challenging as we talked about my future. 

Where 2019 found me continually checking the boxes for answers and appointments; I am embracing this feeling of unknown in 2020. I’ve committed to 2020 being the year of exploration. I’m partial to the Panic! At the Disco version of “Into the Unknown” from Frozen 2 - it feels like my power song of the year. I know there is something out there waiting there for me, and I’m on the path of figuring out what that is.
I left the McDaniel Admissions Office(where I had worked for 10+ years). I loved my time there, but needed a change. I needed something new.  I spent the fall in the College Counseling Office at Bullis in MD as a Long Term Sub. It was an incredibly valuable experience. I am so exceptionally thankful to all the people that made up these experiences. Thank you. I am currently NOT working. This is providing me some space to really dig into the explorations. I don’t know what’s next - I feel called to help people to find their best selves. (Folks tell me this is Life Coaching, but that feels odd…) Simultaneously, I feel called to open a Bed/Breakfast; to go to school to be as Counselor/Social Worker; to explore some sort of faith based something; to go to culinary school. And, Mom calls about once a week with a new career I should pursue. Who knows where life will take me; but I am grateful to be here for it.
One of my ‘intentions’ for 2020 is to explore 20 new exercise routines. Crazy, yes! But so much fun. I’ve found some really cool opportunities. Most notably, I’ve committed to Pilates -which I find exceptionally hard. I think my body can do so much more than it actually can right now. I am often frustrated after class - wishing I could actually do more! When I look at myself from the outside, I can say “Give yourself grace! Remember all you have done in one year!” But when I’m on the Reformer and totally confused - gosh, it is hard to practice patience. As I do my mind mapping, I am continually reminded that I just want to be “good” at something; more specifically I want my body to be good at something. It seems everywhere I go, folks are encoring me to “love my body” or “to love myself”. Which on the surface, are exceptionally admirable goals. I think many of us struggle with what we see in the mirror, and accepting that she is worthy. I’ve spent the past year, trying to love my new body. Loving her for her flaws. Loving her for what she has overcome. Loving her for what she’s accomplished. Loving her for where she is headed. 

As for the cancer - the doctors seems exceptionally proud and hopeful. They think the cancer is gone. They cannot find any signs of the cancer now. And, they say that by the time they completed surgery; they could not find the cancer. This is a good sign -it means we shrunk the cancer to such a small size they couldn’t find it. The cancer had not spread - meaning it was virtually gone from my body. The folks at Hopkins think my NF is only related to breast cancer and my risk of other cancers is small. The doctors want me to eat a Mediterranean diet as this is proving to be the most helpful in the fight against cancer. There is also research out about the importance mindfulness - and its help in the fight against recurrence. It’s still feels like an unknown, and I will admit that at times I drift to the negative space of losing hope in my body and its ability to fight this cancer. And, then I return to prayer - begging with God to give me more time; knowing that God will. I have to remind myself that I did it. That we did it. 

This cancer thing is hard. It’s what dominated my life for the past 18 months. It’s hard for me to go into any conversation without referencing it. I don’t want to be a victim of it; but it also shaped and changed my perspective on pretty much anything. I struggle to know when to mention it; and when to not say anything. I am proud of myself for what I did. But, I don’t want that to be the only thing in my life. For example, I’m headed on a retreat this afternoon and know I will need to introduce myself - do I say “I beat breast cancer in the past year” or do I just let it slide? I find myself trying to protect the people that are listening; not making the situation awkward; or not wanting the only thing to be cancer.  I don’t know what’s right. So, I’m sorry to anyone who I made feel awkward in the past year for talking about my cancer.  It both defines my life; and it was nothing. 

That’s the truth. A year later - I feel like nothing happened. A year later - I feel like a Mom; and a wife; and 30 something year old operating without direction. A year later - I know that something major happened.  I am grateful I had the journey I did. I am far less judgmental of myself and others because of it. I am more likely to embrace changes and challenges because I know I can get to the other side. I know that I am worthy and that my body can do wild things. I know how to rely on others and how to speak up for myself. I may have learned all of these things without cancer; but that wasn’t God’s plan for me. 

How are we? Big M is all about rainbows, unicorns and princesses right now. She’s equally in love, however, with Godly Play at church. So we operate in this odd land where Mary is a Princess who looks after the sheep. She’s three and loves to challenge everything about me. And E, man she’s fun! I love 18 month olds. They start to have opinions (E loves chocolate and can throw quite the fit when I tell her no!). She’s walking (FINALLY!). She’s just a blast. I don’t even have the right words to express my affection for both of them. 

My incredible Valentine has been my calm confidant through out all of this. As we have space for more- he’s starting to pursue things within his passion. Like brewing his own beer! Yay for him having time. 

This week, my mantra is “I hope to understand more than I am understood”. This is what I will take to Yoga with me. This is what I will take to my retreat with me. I hope to continue to understand the plan ahead; and to worry less about being understood. In the year ahead; I hope to be more open to exploration and to learning to listen/trust. In the years ahead; I hope to further understand why I had this cancer in my journey. And, I hope to bring so much joy to the world. Because I have it; I am joyful to be here. I am joyful you are here with me.