The funny thing about cancer is that none of us know when it may show up for the first time, or reoccur after it has vanished. I met with my oncologist last week after having scans and I have new spots. I have 2 new very small spots on my lungs (which they are not super worried about but because of my cancer will keep watching), and a new spot on my kidney, which looks very suspicious and is most likely more renal cell carcinoma. I am no longer considered in remission. I spent 4 months being lulled into the false security that I had beaten this invasive disease, only to have the breath knocked out of me with concerning test results. I am once again dealing with uncertainty and examining where I truly place my faith and trust. Either I trust God or I don't. Either He is in control or He isn't. I want to be in control, to have the certainty of tomorrow, to not have to worry about how many days I will live, to trust that things will not get hard again. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way! God wants us to trust Him with everything. He doesn't promise life will be easy OR turn out the way we think is best, in our desired timing. But He promises He will walk with us and carry us when things get tough and bring us true joy, even in the midst of the yuck. Life is hard, but GOD IS GOOD! Yet life is hard.

The spot on my kidney is too small to do anything about at this point, so I get to just live with it and have another MRI (and CT scan on my lungs) in 3 months. If it has grown, the interventional radiologist will do an ablation/biopsy and hopefully take care of it. But who knows?! Uncertainty. Our bodies fail us. People fail us. Life fails us! But God never fails. My "word" for this year is surrender. I choose to trust God (that He's got this, that He loves me, that He is enough) and seek to surrender my control, my fear, my life. And to be grateful for a wonderful husband, family, and friends, for great insurance (I am at @ $3 million in treatment over the last 3 years), for a warm home, food, and the sunshine streaming in through the windows as I write this. God is refining me...it is hard to let go and place my security totally on Him. I have always struggled with anxiety. Not worry or fear necessarily, but an underlying, nondescript percolation like I've had too much caffeine. I have to trust or I will not function. Have you ever noticed that GOD ALLOWS THINGS TO HAPPEN IN THE AREAS THAT WE CONTINUE TO NEED GROWTH?! As I struggle to let go, instead of thinking I can change myself, that I have more TO DO (the ever increasing list), I am asking God to do the work in me and help me surrender to Him, focus on Him, and trust Him. And to focus on others (not myself, my uncertainties), and continually look at the blessings surrounding me. Please pray for my peace and calm and for the cancer not to spread, and for God to continue to use this in my life and those around me. I started at stage 4 metastatic kidney cancer with a soccer ball sized mass surrounding my right kidney, so a 5 mm spot on my left one seems like "nothing" in comparison! But it is "something." Uncertainty... 

Thanks for listening to my thoughts and for your prayers and going on this journey with me. I will post again when there is any new news.   Humbly, Beth