August 17, 2020

Yesterday marked 2 months from the fire. All day I was reminded of that. I woke to a faulty smoke alarm sound. I picked out meat from the freezer that was dated June 16th 2020. I talked to both my kids and both of them said something about the fire. I couldn’t sleep last night. I had to be with the boys. I sat with them until 2am, just watching them sit together on the couch. Tomorrow is going to be a sucky hard day that I am not looking forward to. I absolutely am going to be a blubbering idiot and cry my eyes out when Matt leaves for college. This time is so much harder than any other time.

Processing his leaving after being here since March and everything that he has been through is making me anxious. I am not an anxious person. I am emotional and overly so some times. Things lately I’m taking literally and that is not my nature. I get offended easier than before and I see signs in things where as before I never noticed. My son has been my rock when it came to Ben. I depended on his strength and engineering expertise to help me like never before. I know Ben will be there for me if I need something but Matt was it for two months. I am going to miss him more than ever this time. I have Ben and although I love him so very much, when Matt is gone I feel incomplete. I am so grateful for both my boys so this sounds really horrible to say but there nothing like having two boys here, the strength in their bond and their love is enormous! When one is gone, there is a void. The dynamic is not the same. I feel safe with both boys here. I feel sort of calm, not calm, still on alert but sort of calm.

I watched Ben and Matt on the couch last night, sitting closer than I ever sat next to my sister. They were not cuddled next to each other but they were sitting in each other’s spaces. They have shared more in the last two months than I can wrap my heart around. I still shut my eyes and see the two of them stuck in the burning house almost every hour. I will never know what that was like but I know how they depended on each other to get out and how they will always share that. I still hear Matt’s voice saying to me on the phone that I needed to come to Corning cause the house was on fire and he didn’t know what to do, and Ben was being taken in an ambulance. I still hear Matt's panicked voice when I could talk to him while he was in the hospital and couldn't see Ben asking every other sentence about his brother.  I still can imagine them together in the hospital. I remember the first time Matt said he saw Ben after the burning and he wouldn’t allow me to see him (via phone) but he saw him. He wanted to shield me from seeing how bad Ben looked yet he couldn’t leave Ben’s side. The nurses said they were kind and generous and they could see how much they loved each other. 

I will never forget the two of them sitting together on the porch here where we now live;  Matt doing wound care, gently and efficiently to his brother each day. I will always hear the two of them talking about things as Matt held Ben’s burns in his hands and worked his magic. They talked serious and they talked about stuff. I won't ever know what they talk about when I’m not here.... if  they admit to still being frightened when they sleep, if they talk about how things would be different if they had to do it all over. If they blame each other for what happened.

I just know that tomorrow will be very hard on me and probably harder on Ben when this bond is not broken, just separated.

I wonder if Ben is going to be ok without his brother here? How is that bond going to be affected?

I need to go back to work. I will be leaving Ben soon to do this. He hasn’t been alone without someone here all day yet. I have to work. His father can be here but doesn’t drive so that’s out. His friends come and go just visit since they have work and some school. Summer neighbors will be packing up soon to take off for home, so they’re going to be gone. I have to hope Ben and Matt will talk every day on face time. I have to believe that their bond will be as strong from afar. I know although my bond is not as strong as Ben and Matt, there is one. I feel when my kids are feeling, and I don't want them to feel how lonely and sad I will be that I’m losing my Matt.

Two months doesn’t seem long unless it’s been the two months since the fire. The last two months I have gone through so much. The kids have gone through so much. Much more than I, but in a different way. They are still kids. They shouldn't have to worry about financial things and wonder where they're going to live. 

In two months in October I have rented a weekend place up near Matt so he can come and be with us for Ben’s birthday. We went last year. Tom, his dog, Ben (drove up from Corning) and Matt (drove in from Potsdam) and had a very relaxing time for Ben’s birthday. Probably not what Ben would have wanted to celebrate it, but I think this year in the middle of 2020 and all it’s brought to the world and to our little world, that a relaxing get away up north will be welcome.

Today, Monday I am spending it with Matt and Ben. He is packing his car for school when we return from breakfast. He had to get another COVID test done on Friday since the one he had done on Monday was outside the 7 day window for return by one day so another one was called for. We got that call this morning at 820am and it’s negative so it’s uploading that paperwork as soon as we have it and getting the go ahead to be up to Clarkson tomorrow at 10. He’ll have to leave here early. Too early for him, way too soon for me.