Hi everyone, 

I wanted to thank each and every one of you for your prayers and support during Ben's biopsy. That whole thing was very disturbing and I felt paralyzed by fear. I basically just survived until we got the results. That experience pointed out to me that I still have a lot I haven't dealt with and decided to seek out a different counseling method with a Christian therapist where I can incorporate my faith into the whole process. So far I think it's been really helpful, but need to stick with it for a few months. It's been a relief to talk to someone who specializes in trauma.

With that, please be praying that Ben's MRI on May 15th will continue to show no evidence of disease. I am very curious to see how the mass in his neck is doing. It was such a weird feeling being told there's a mass, but it's not cancerous. After we received those good results we went to Legoland and had a great time. A very special person to me, Nohea Avery sent us $200 to spend there in memory of her son's birthday (both her son Noah and daughter Kalea died from Medulloblastoma months apart from each other). We felt so honored that the money she would've spent on her son was spent on Ben's celebration trip. Please pray for their family too when you think of Ben. Living without both oftheir babies is brutal and they are doing the best they can to live and spread Childhood cancer awareness to help bring change to the system.

Next week Ben will have another IEP meeting to put a plan in place for next year in kindergarten. He has done so well with a one on one aid that really understands him, motivates him and protects him. Ben's teacher said she has a really good balance of knowing when to let him be independent and when to step in. We are so blessed. The IEP will decide if he gets his aid next year. I can't imagine him navigating kindergarten on his own.  Academically he is an average 3 year old, but has areas that equal his age. His cognition is pretty amazing, he just really needs to grow his expressive language. Please pray that he would be able to just be behind in school and not have a wider and wider gap between his peers. He had brain surgery, I don't think he's ever going to be typical, but I would just love for him to experience life by growing more and more.

Ben has a new speech therapist. Our beloved Morgan just got married and will be moving out of state. Our new therapist is doing a great job though. We are trying to see this change as something beneficial. Change can shake things up. Ben may be in a better place to really take off with talking. We will always be grateful for Morgan who has been a part of our family. She came to his birthday party which was so special.

Jacob has been doing good in school. He doesn't talk or complain about it so it feels a little like no news is good news...? He is a full on teenager now. Acne, shaving and stinky... exactly where he should be. He is usually really good with the boys by participating in nerf gun wars, playing Minecraft with Nathan (who gets VERY overly excited and angry haha) and chasing Ben. They love it when it's our weekend with him.

Nathan is doing great in school and seems to be able to regulate himself more than last year. He has been taking his parkour class more seriously by practicing and home and we have seen a huge improvement. It is a great sport for him. We are still working on his emotional regulation in class when something is hard. Nathan is a Minecraft genius! He watches videos of other people playing and is able to put it in to practice on his own. We do need to limit his time because he gets glued and there could be a fire and he wouldn't notice! Look up Minecraft if you don't know what Im talking about.

Last week the boys started swim lessons at South Bay Aquatics. If you ever want to be entertained, come watch them. It's a semi private lesson so it's both Nathan and Ben with one teacher. It is absolute chaos and the boys couldn't be more different. Ben is constantly under water or jumping in when the teacher is working with Nathan. Nathan avoids water on his face at all costs and is very gentle in his approach. There may come a point where it just feels like a waste of money and need to separate them but for now Nathan likes having Ben with him and Ben could care less as long as he can be in water. I really want to get a family membership so we would have time to play (and not just lessons) but it's like $625 a year!!!!  It would be so good for them and a great way for Ben to exercise throughout the year since he probably won't be on many team sports for a while.

Here are a few highlights since we "talked" last:

• In February, we went to Legoland (which Tim booked in the doctors office minutes after getting the good results). Also, Ben received a Husky Paw award for "staying safe" at school! The crowd was so excited for him.
• In March, Tim went pig hunting. There are opportunities to shoot wild bore because they overpopulate and ruin farming etc. He really wanted to do something out of the box and adventurous so with his christmas/brithday money he'd saved, he signed up for an overnight excursion! (We still have bore meat in our fridge though if you want some).  Also in March, Nathan received his Husky Paw award and if you are not on my social media, I will send you the most amazing response when the principal calls hi name. So joyful!
• In April, we went dirt bike riding in Gorman for a few days. Tim's dad met us up there the first day. It was wonderful. Nathan and Jacob were so excited to ride and made the trip feel like all the (Tim's) work it takes to get there was worth it. Ben loved wandering around, playing in the dirt and throwing rocks in ponds that formed from the previous rain. Everyone got along and enjoy the time together.  Ben went on his first field trip to a Children's museum with his class. so cute!

Life is really stressful. I am always "on" and constantly feel like I'm wasting time, not doing enough for Ben's speech and eating, trying to not use the iPad as much as we do, wondering how much my (unintentional) spoiling Ben is holding him back, etc. . There's always this guilt feeling in my stomach with all the "shoulds" in my head. I am trying to find ways to loosen my grip and be more present in the moment. It's hard though. But I absolutely love my family and I am so honored to be Tim's wife and the boy's mom. We are truly blessed and know we have a whole team praying for us as we navigate life after cancer. Thank you so much!

Kelly

I included a link if you want to watch our Gorman memory video (it does include riding footage too)