Let me start by saying that I keep this blog or journal for my own benefit, rather than intending for anyone else to read it - but if you do stumble upon it, I hope you enjoy.  If you think I'm a ding dong, that's ok too.  😋  I'm glad to have it - I went back recently to read through some of our story and there is so much I would have forgotten had it not been memorialized here. 

Since writing about my experience with the Shaman on Sunday night, I've noticed something that has brought me so much...joy.  I would say peace, but truly - it's joy.  I feel my Mom.  I'm absolutely aware that she surrounds me.  Those signs I was looking for - they are everywhere.  

One thing I keep thinking about is that my Auntie had a dream awhile back - she said it was brief, but so real.  In her dream, my Mom told her that she was going to explore the North Shore in Minnesota and see the fall colors.  My Mom and I used to always do this (see attached photo).  Some years Dad would come, and some years it was just us girls - even Carrie Bradshaw Beagle made the pilgrimage.  We loved the wineries, art studios, and just knocking around and breathing in the fall colors.  Ever since Betty shared her dream, I've been imagining my Mom having the ability to transport herself to her favorite places .  I picture her having the gift of travel with her angel wings and I also, now, believe that she can be right here when we need her or even on her own whim when she wants to be with her family.  Maybe some of those cozy cabin nights, she's curled right up on the couch.  Or when I look at a book shelf and move a vase a centimeter to the left - it might be her nudging me to do so (that was her thing).

The last week has been extraordinarily hard for my family.  My husband's brother, Scott, passed away.  This tragedy belongs to my husband before me, so I won't share more - but will say that it has devastated us.  Scott was a good man, so very loved, and we are heartbroken.  On the heels of this, Sean's sweet Mom ended up in the ER/ICU.  Anita seems to be doing better, which is a blessing.  Watching Sean go through this with his two beloved family members has been just gut-wrenching.  I think the emotion of that week was what inspired me to sit down and transcribe the recording of my visit with the Shaman.  I needed that connection point again.  

I'm so glad that I did.  A few observations have really hit me:

The entire ten days that Mom was on hospice, we had a deer camped out in our yard.  We have deer everywhere, but they stay in the fields.  For that ten days, there was one who kept watch over our house - often very close to Mom's room.  At one point, she was in a little patch of grass by our driveway and I went out and sat across from her (probably 25 yards away) and we just stared at each other.  Following Mom's passing, our deer family has kept their safe distance -- we love coexisting with them.

The day after Anita was admitted into the hospital, Sean called me to the doors overlooking the yard.  Our deer family was right at the patio (see photo), with one very close to the house.  We hadn't seen that since Mom was passing.  It was interesting to both of us that they reappeared when we were going through a tragedy with his brother and incredible worry for Anita.

On Monday, while visiting Anita in the hospital, she was really confused.  She's been through a lot and I expect it will take her some time to get her bearings again.  She told us that she had been taken care of by a lovely stewardess who kept visiting.  My mom was a stewardess for Northwest Airlines for a decade (see blurry photo - she's the beauty in the middle).  It was a huge part of her identity and her adventurous life.

On Tuesday, I glanced up from my computer and a bright rainbow (see pic) was hovering over the tippy tops of the trees.  I smiled big and took a quick picture - and just as I did, it was gone.  There was no rain to speak of, so I'm not sure where it came from.

On Wednesday, my dear friend Mandee sent me a video.  One of the things the Shaman had mentioned to me was that she kept seeing my Mom dancing -- it was like Mom was showing off how good she felt.  I didn't cling to that comment as I didn't really have strong memories of my Mom dancing.  She was always bouncing around and she would get a little skip in her step, but I didn't think of her as a dancer.  The video Mandee sent me (attached) was one that she thought she had lost and somehow randomly stumbled upon last night -- it's of our Moms dancing (and dang, they were good)!

The other thing - my husband and I both notice numbers.  It will go in waves.  It could be a year or more where we won't really notice anything - and then all of a sudden, we'll both start seeing repeating numbers.  If you google this, it's a phenomenon that happens to some people.  It could be written off to coincidence (or craziness - ha), but there is also a thought that it's how our spirit guides communicate to us.  A reminder that they are with us.  A nudge to pay attention or have a heightened awareness.

Sean and I both started noticing repeating numbers like crazy over the last couple of months. We'd text each other pictures throughout the day - license plates (222, 444, 111), a glance at the odometer or inbox (and seeing something like 33,333 in mileage or 111 unread emails).  We both felt a spidey sense that something was up - intuition maybe.  Shortly after, we found out his brother passed away - and days after that, his Mom was in the hospital.  Since then, Sean has seen his brother's favorite number, 19, pop up frequently.  And, last night I pulled up to a stop light and a three-digit number (813 -- see pic) that was absolutely sacred to my Mom was on the license plate in front of me.

I don't know - maybe all of these things are just coincidences.  I don't think so, though.  I feel her everywhere right now.  It isn't only the little signs that keep popping up - it's this feeling that she isn't gone.  That she's living and that we aren't that far apart.

Love you, Mama.

B