Consistent: in sharing their sympathy and condolences, everyone has had similar words to say about my mom being fun, goofy, energetic, and how she always made them feel like they belong and are part of the family
Accepting and non-judgmental: she lets people be themself and celebrates them for it. For me and my siblings, she related to the four of us in unique ways that understood the core of who we are and our differences; she pushed us to grow and learn, in whatever unique way that meant for each of us
Loving: it was clear how much she loved us, not only in her words but also in her constant actions, and the way she showed up for us even at our worst or when we messed up…nothing was ever “inconvenient” to her
Helpful: she would go out of her way to help people no matter the amount of effort. The smallest ways, such as airport pick ups and drop offs and making meals for others, or in larger ways like helping care for others who were at their end of life
Funny: she was always relevant, using the latest teenage slang and social media channels which cracked up our friends, and she didn’t lose her humor during the painful last year of life. Example quotes: “I’ve never even had a minor procedure done before so I figured I’d ease right in with a brain surgery” …or “Okay Dr Meyer (her neurosurgeon), I have a question…can you give me some more math skills when you do the brain surgery?”
Advocate: for people who no one’s looking out for or are at a disadvantage. Teaching refugees English and helping them prepare for their citizenship exams, or for me personally, spending a significant amount of time doing policy work to make pediatric patient care better after I was nearly comatose and hospitalized at 8 years old… or even battling Sam’s teacher who picked on him and signing the behavioral forms with only her initials: “BS”
Wise: she could always interpret what people were thinking and feeling and offer words of advice with compassion before people maybe even realized they needed it. She even did this for me while on hospice, coming to terms with her own mortality, last year on Mother’s Day. The words she shared that day I hold so dear.
Depth: as funny and goofy as she was, my mom had so much depth to her: in her wisdom, introspective nature, and desire to learn and grow; she would wake up diligently every morning at 5am to read, journal, pray and sit in silence. Her collection of books spanned a wide range of topics and perspectives and she genuinely loved learning new points of views
Strong: mentally and physically. Physically, I think she spent more time working out in her life than all of us combined…doing step aerobics, volleyball, 5+ mile walks, and boot camp workout classes. Mentally, she approached this last year in a way I could never imagine, with strength, humility, peace, gratitude and humor
Sacrifice: my mom dedicated her life to making sure me and my siblings felt heard, cared for, and supported. She always encouraged us to pursue bigger and better through our education and activities, personal development, leadership opportunities, and the desire to always grow. She would always celebrate our accomplishments, opportunities to travel, career trajectories and say with a genuine happiness: “You are living my dream.” Although she never said it, I noticed as we got into our 20s and 30s and people would ask her what she did for her career, she would seem embarrassed or uncomfortable to say she stayed home with us and didn’t have a “career”. It made me feel so heartbroken to watch those exchanges, because none of us would be who we are today or have the success we’ve had without my mom. Her sacrifice, dedication, unwaivering support and commitment to us is the core of our existence, desire for meaning, and purpose in life. Moms and caregivers, although you may not always feel seen or heard, what you do matters.
My mom has taught me so many things throughout my life. How to find joy and excitement in everything, even the seemingly unimportant and mundane. How to not take life too seriously and to be able to laugh at yourself. How to show up for people and learn from people, to find ways to understand someone better through listening…or even through getting on the latest social media platform and learning the latest slang (one time my mom was quoting a rap song while we were at Target and a young guy turned around, laughed, and said “you just made my day.”). She taught me to show unconditional love and support, and to sacrifice for the greater good of all and find peace and contentment in that.
This painful journey she faced during the last year of her life made me appreciate her and know her in new ways, and made me immensely grateful for her and her spirit.
My mom had so much taken from her as she went through this horrible year…her vision, her hearing in one ear, her ability to walk and use the left side of her body, her ability to get out of bed for several months, and at the end, her ability to speak. Throughout this journey, what’s remarkable is how she never complained or felt sorry for herself. If you saw first hand what she was going through and dealing with, it was hard to understand and believe. We would share some of this on the Caring Bridge so I know people caught glimpses, but what only us as her caregivers and helpers were able to see was the way this attitude was most notably and consistently there in the small, insignificant times. When she would trip and fall because she couldn’t see objects to her left… she would pick herself up, laugh and keep going. When she was no longer able to go to the bathroom herself and we had to change her… her humility to crack jokes and say things like “clean up on aisle 9”. When her one opportunity to travel abroad to Ireland, something she had desired for years, was thwarted by the cancer… the grace she had in the midst of disappointment.
I listened to a podcast recently about responses to adversity, and in it they discussed two responses (which are both important tools for different reasons and to be used at different times). The first is what they call your primary response, which is: using your own actions to modify or change your environment. So as a simple example, if you’re watching a scary movie and you’re feeling sick to your stomach, you can shut the TV off. This response creates more positive emotions immediately. The second, which they call your secondary response, is where when you can’t change your environment, you exert agency by focusing to control your thoughts and reactions to the environment. To me, the second feels a lot harder…when life is hard, unpredictable, and downright unfair, and you don’t have any control, reflecting and responding in a way that isn’t fake or false positivity or ignoring what’s at hand, but truly feeling, accepting and changing your mindset to find peace and contentment. Well, this was my mom. And in the podcast they said that this secondary response to adversity leads to greater life satisfaction.
So with all of that said, I hope we all can learn a lesson from not only the way my mom lived her whole life, but especially how she showed up in this last phase when she had no control over the outcome, which we knew from the beginning to be bleak. I hope when you find yourself in a hard time in life- sad, lonely, in pain, out of control, in fear of the unknown, or otherwise unsure where to go next, you will think of my mom. Who put one foot in front of the other each day, had humor, grace, humility, and found things, even the smallest of things, to be grateful for in each and every moment.
