Holy buckets has it been a rough 2 and a half months. I knew it was going to be hard but man holidays have been rough. Christmas is my favorite holiday and this year I haven't been in the Christmas spirit. The 26th of this month I would have had to go to SF and get my stitches clipped, but instead I'm wondering what having a newborn would have been like. I know there's always more chances to possibly have another baby but no baby will be my Lucas. Losing your first baby or even a baby in general isn't easy. I've thought a lot about starting a nonprofit foundation in his name to help other mommas but haven't looked further into it. It doesn't seem like it's been that long but it also feels like it's been forever. It's hard seeing other people get pregnant, even though it's not their fault I sometimes find myself getting mad at them. I talk to Lucas pretty much everyday and he shows me signs that he's okay. It will never get better it just gets a little easier with time. Would he have had health problems? Would he have had to stay months/a year in the NICU? Would we have lost him later on? Sometimes it's easier to think that he was better off because he wouldn't be hooked up to monitors, or being poked millions of times. But it still sucks that I prayed and prayed to get pregnant after being told I would never have kids. To praying that I would have a healthy pregnancy with all of my health problems. To just praying that he would be okay. To praying that God is looking over him. I wish Heaven had visiting hours because I would go see him everyday to tell him how much I love and miss him. Having a huge part of my heart up there is rough, I may look like I have it all together on the outside. But on the inside I'm hurting every freaking day. Nathan and I talk about him while laying in bed quite often but man I would love to have our baby in our arms again. Mommy and daddy love you so much Lucas Edward 🩵