Journal entry by Elizabeth Crawford —
It's been seven weeks now since I met Nathaniel and Nathaniel met Jesus. His funeral brought us comfort and our friends and family have supported us well. I'm doing ok - my physical recovery is still going great and I have been enjoying getting outside for walks and hikes. Luke has enjoyed getting back to work and back to shooting. We laugh, smile, and find joy in every day, and will always wish that Nathaniel could have stayed to experience it with us.
I wrote out Nathaniel's birth story at 4AM the morning after he was born, and I wanted to share with you those details and initial feelings:
The days leading up to Nathaniel’s birthday were bittersweet, to say the least. We huddled with friends and family for many prayers and drew closer and closer to God, knowing that our own strength would not be enough to carry us through the days to come. I felt the presence of Jesus comforting me over my shoulder when we would gather in these groups to pray.
In the morning of Nathaniel’s birthday, as we walked into the hospital, I pleaded with God that He would let me walk out of the hospital with my baby. Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done.
I wrote out Nathaniel's birth story at 4AM the morning after he was born, and I wanted to share with you those details and initial feelings:
The days leading up to Nathaniel’s birthday were bittersweet, to say the least. We huddled with friends and family for many prayers and drew closer and closer to God, knowing that our own strength would not be enough to carry us through the days to come. I felt the presence of Jesus comforting me over my shoulder when we would gather in these groups to pray.
In the morning of Nathaniel’s birthday, as we walked into the hospital, I pleaded with God that He would let me walk out of the hospital with my baby. Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done.
The sweet nurses began preparing me for surgery and the morning flew by. Our pastor, Jon Adams, stopped by to pray with us, and then my parents came in to offer hugs and encouragement. I first felt anxious after the epidural was administered and the rollercoaster of medicine sent my blood pressure down and then heart rate up in cycles. I grew more frantic and anxious as the surgery began and Luke prayed from right over my shoulder that I would feel peace. My wonderful anesthetist balanced my medication and peered over the drape to explain what was going on and how close we were to meeting our son. I don’t remember everything I said in the operating room, but I do remember exclaiming “I feel peace!” when Luke’s prayers over me for peace were answered and my nerves were suddenly calmed in a way that surpasses understanding. As the doctors coaxed Nathaniel out in the next few minutes, Luke and I ushered him into the world with praise: “Oh thank you Jesus for Nathaniel! God bless Nathaniel! Glory to God!” We heard a precious little squeak and then he was brought over to my chest. The most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. He laid on my chest and held his daddy’s finger tightly while the doctors stitched me up. He took gasps of air and snuggled up against me. We told him over and over how much we love him and how beautiful he is. He reacted to Luke’s voice and whimpered when Luke had to pull away briefly for me to be moved off the operating table. What a gift these moments were.
By the time we left the operating room and settled back into the labor and delivery room, I could tell Nathaniel was unwell. We had our family and pastor come in to see Nathaniel and dedicate him. At some point while surrounded by our family, Nathaniel passed away peacefully in my arms. After our pastor finished praying and everyone left the room, I asked the neonatologist to come check on Nathaniel and sobbed when she confirmed that he was no longer with us. We all cried. It wasn't enough time. I told Luke I don’t know how I’ll get through this.
We still spent some very sweet time with Nathaniel after his soul had departed. Nathaniel’s grandparents, aunts, and uncles each held him and marveled over his beauty. We kissed his cheeks and held him close. Luke helped bathe Nathaniel and dressed him in a cute outfit. Our incredible nurses helped us collect keepsakes like footprints in our bibles, and then everyone left us again to just hold our baby boy. Nathaniel Isaac, our gift from God who was in that moment rejoicing and laughing in Heaven, fully healed and with Jesus Christ. Believing this does give me some comfort, but my heart is broken beyond repair. As I write and collect my thoughts in the hospital now, I cling to Psalm 147:3. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
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