Now what???....

Wednesday, August 7th, the last treatment, ever.

I saw the oncologist before treatment as I normally do. I went into the appointment headstrong, not realizing I was about to be sad, happy, confused, and scared instantly.  I like to push the limits with my docs and try to surprise them (shocking) like asking when I can go to the tanning bed.  This time I went into the appointment “negotiating” on when my last treatment should be. Me, being me, suggested to skip a treatment and end on August 21st, the same day I began treatment last year. Most of the time they blow me off because basically I’m being ridiculous. This time I was met with “yeah, it’s approved to skip a treatment, so why not let today be that last treatment”. 

Wide eyed and sobbing, I had no idea what to do. As crazy as it sounds I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready to be done. It’s not the people, the place, or treatment that kept me there. It was having security that the end was a couple more weeks away. Security that I had a schedule for the last year that felt normal and safe at this point. Security of not being kicked to the curb so fast. Security from going to the real world. 

Treatment done, bell rung, today I sit here cancer free. I’m no longer a cancer patient.

That label has been stripped away and given to so many newly diagnosed people. Most major events in your life you get something at the end to show off your achievement. Being pregnant you get a baby, being engaged you get a spouse. Beating (hate using that word for this) cancer you get nothing. No one will look at you and think/say you had cancer, congrats on winning your battle.  It’s like that crazy dream I’ve had for the past year is over, that’s it, everyone move on.

its Hard for me to move on (currently), it’s hard for me to being this transition into a new “normal” MarLa. 

All that being said, I’m doing incredibly well, all my symptoms have gone away and I’ve finally got some hair! Emotionally I don’t know what to do with myself some days. I hate cancer, it took my mother from me which I was totally not ready for. This terrible dream I just wish she was still here. She would be proud of me. She would love me. She would be and is my number one fan.

to everyone who has gone through this with me, thank you! I couldn’t be here today without the love and support of my heart, Tally. He’s shown up every single moment without hesitation. My sister, Nicole, I love you for being such a wonderful sister and friend. You’re always there when I need someone. Memphis & Asheville peeps y’all are the bomb! My journey was easier because of all of you. 

Adventure awaits!
MJ