This Week

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Journal

I’ve found that it’s so much easier for me to write from a hard point of view, rather than focusing on the good things happening.

Maybe because I always wrote when times got hard for me personally.

However, I do need to share that there has been a bright side to Ashton having cancer, and that is all of the amazing childhood cancer advocacy organizations and the support we’ve continued to have since this battle started in August.

We have been able to attend and do things we would have never had the opportunity for otherwise. Not only has Ashton been made to feel special in so many ways, but her sisters and even Kurtis and I have been included as well.

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A few weeks ago, we had the honor of attending the Mt. St. Joseph band play a story that the Hawkins girls had written together, called “The Unicorn Adventure.” We partnered with Sing Me a Story, The Cure Starts Now, and the MSJ band, who brought it their story to life by narrating and orchestrating it into a song.

During each part, the pictures of their book were on the projection screens, and I was brought to tears from all the college students and organizations that worked so hard to make this perfect night happen for Ashton, for us.

You see, this was months in the works. We started on the book in the Fall and saw it come to life in May.

The Fox19 News station was there to capture the event, and I am so thankful, because sometimes in such special moments, you get so caught up, that there is no time for pictures, and that was where I found myself. (Watch it – link at the bottom of the post).

So utterly thankful, touched, and blessed by so many people who put so much time into this without knowing Ashton personally. From taking the girls’ ideas and turning them into a story to creating a beautiful set of music to lead into each next part of the book, whether it was to portray happiness or danger, from Sebastian the Dragon, the band truly did their story justice, and more. 

At times like this, I often find it so hard to convey my graciousness. It’s so hard to say thank you enough, instead of wanting to literally show my heart and how grateful I truly am. For all those who love Ashton and know her, and without knowing her directly.

It literally leaves me without words.

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Often, it feels like Ashton has been replaced with someone else, with a different, much younger mentality.

She will have random outbursts that make no sense, get overly excited, and can’t be around crowds without being extremely insecure and nervous.

The imbalance in walking, difficulty putting thoughts together, and often lags in her speaking are things we can deal with, but the fact that the girl I always knew won’t ever return, well, you know by now, is often more than I can take.

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It hit me the other night, like a ton of bricks. Sage, maybe Sloane, potentially Eden, will have very little memories or be able to remember Ashton before her brain surgeries, and cancer.

While Kurtis and I will never forget, Koa never will know Ashton before. She won’t even remember the care Ashton “before” took of her at every stage of her life until a year and a half, how much she’s doted on her since the day she came home, or that Ashton has been her biggest, most protective and loving sister.

She won’t have memories of our Ashton without disabilities.

Sadly, I’d be surprised how much Sloane and Eden will remember or the memories they would have or be able to recall long-term. I think the doctors say kids don’t really retain memories until 5 years old, and that would be Eden and Sloane. Eden 4, Sloane 5 at the time of diagnosis.

The only way they will know how Ashton was meant to be is from the videos we share with them, of the joyful and just absolutely outgoing girl she was before.

And meant to be. Yes. MEANT TO BE. Cancer is evil, and no child should ever have to endure the pain, changes, uncertainty, or death from such a life-sucking disease.

Cancer changes our kids, the family, and even more so the parents, who are given a huge awakening to the immediate fragility of life.

No parent should ever have to grieve in these ways.

It’s changed Ashton forever, and I will never stop grieving that.

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While I struggle every day, Ashton shared with me and Kurtis last night, that she already “has it all.”

When I asked her what she meant, she told me: “I have everything I need…food, a bed, my house, my dad, my mom, and my sisters.”

And that’s a mindset I never want to change.

I love you Ashton, and your big, grateful heart.

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To watch the news features or read articles, the links are shared below:

Sing Me a Story Article: https://singmeastory.org/stories/the-unicorn-adventure?song=2147

Fill MSJ Performance Video: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GYElgbhiMYs48I9K2Br2uNcvgxFApQNW/view