This post is so I can get some feelings out of my head.....may not be an upbeat read, but it is where my head is at - today. Hopefully tomorrow it will be in a better place!
July 19th was my one year mark of the day we found out I had cancer, and I have learned SO much in the last year!
Cancer is a funny thing....it changes you as a person....it changes your perspective, changes your personality....it makes you excited to be alive while it makes you fear what could happen. It takes your memory, it isolates you (even though friends DO reach out and try!), it depresses you then you get excited again to still be here!
Today has been a rough one. I had my "Zoom" consult with the radiology group that will be doing radiation. For some reason, I have dreaded this part of it and I think it is because I have had a lot of time to think about it, where with all of the other treatments I was pretty much thrown into without a lot of time to dwell on them. In our conversation today, I was reminded that my type of cancer (triple negative) is a very aggressive cancer and even though I had clean margins after my mastectomy, the chance of it coming back is high. But, what makes it even more "real" is that in most cases, it will return in either bone, lung or brain! How does one process that??? I don't know! I guess if you are me, you write about it!
During the call, we talked about the treatment (5 days a week), and the side effects (fatigue and skin irritation are likely but others possible) and that they could last up to a month after the treatment....I am not looking forward to it. I know it is necessary, but don't have to like it! I am tired of constantly "healing" (just being honest!)
After our call, I was sitting on the porch "processing" and watched as one of the neighbors rode their bike down the road, and I thought to my self (yes, I was feeling sorry for myself) that most people are just going through life, doing what they do everyday, without even thinking about it, and I am sitting here processing the fact that cancer could come back and I am not even done with treatment yet. This is where the depression comes in (yes I am on medication for this). As hard as I try to be strong and be positive, sometimes reality steps in, gives me a nice hard slap, and moves on.
I have to say though, sometimes just getting the words out of my own head does help. I will move past this, and again, pull up my big girl panties and go get radiation and continue to fight!
To those of you that have not heard from me or don't see me much anymore.....please don't take it personally. I will get back to normal and will reach out, just not sure when that will be! (it is a process!)
Thank you guys for everything