I don’t know……….I would say for the past few months I did not know if I would write on this page again.  I was conflicted between, is it time to turn this page?  I pondered, am I doing this for Amy, for her to know that she is loved and missed?  Am I doing this for friends and family to honor her legacy and give them warm reminders of how loved she was and in some way, it is honoring her for them?  Am I doing this because I need to do it for me and do, I still need it?  When I think about those questions, I really do not think that Amy is all that concerned at this point, right?  I think her friends and family can honor and love Amy in better ways than reading a caringbridge page, right?  So, it must be for me, how selfish.  It must be the likes, subscribes, and comments I get to read that warms my heart?  Like I am a youtube sensation trying to go viral and profit from how many “hits” I get, right?

Some friends asked me how “March” was going, as they remembered how awful last March was.  The answer at the time in the first week of March was, so far so good!  The answer now, might be the wheels feel like they fell off the bus.   Whether it being the school counselor calling and saying Rylin really could use a mental health day and encouraging me to have her go to more regular outside counseling for the time being or the “I miss mom” comments and tears that have never gone away but are now daily occurrences for the boys.  Or, whether it be Gunnar not wanting to go to practice, just because he can’t get himself to do it.  All these things not completely unusual, but certainly more profound and regular in March.  It has been three years, this does not sound like progress, does it?   Our minds may know it has been three years, we may have adjusted, continue to heal, and have more good days than bad.   However, our bodies will not forget its March.  It is inherently built into the DNA of these children forever.   For those of you who have lost a loved one get it, to anyone else, it may not be as understandable.   Actually, I don’t even get it, it’s unique and tough to explain.

I often ask Gunnar before games, are you going to win today?  Are you going to come ready to play? Are you going to dominate?  I ask him, because his answer almost every time cracks me up, “I don’t know”, he says.   What do you mean you don’t know? “I don’t know” he says.  Where is the passion where is the confidence where is the desire that I know burns with in him?  But then I find his answer being my answer.  What do you do all day?  (I don’t know)  Are you looking for a job? (I don’t know)  How are you doing? (I don’t know) How do you get you kids to all their afterschool stuff? (I don’t know) There probably are some actual answers to these questions, but “I don’t know” seems appropriate for the time being.

It's been a long (3) year(s), it almost took me down, I swear
Life was so good, I'm not so sure we knew what we had
I'll never be the same man
I'll never feel like I felt before (felt before)
It's been a hard (3) year(s), it almost took me down

But when my world broke into pieces, You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You were there faithfully

I've had a hard time findin' the blue in the skies above me
And if I'm keepin' it real, I've been half-fakin' the happy they see
I may look like the same man
But I'm half the man I was (half the man I was)
It's been a hard (3) year(s), it almost took me down

But when my world broke into pieces, You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You were there faithfully

In my darkest hour, You met me
So quietly, so gently
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word (Your word, Lord)
So quietly, so gently
In all my pain, You met me
You said You'd never leave
And You stood by Your word

'Cause when my world broke into pieces, You were there faithfully
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I'm a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus, You were there faithfully

When I cried out to You, Jesus, You were there faithfully

So why am I writing this? I don’t know.  But then you hear those words from Tobymac in his song “Faithfully” the answer becomes known.  We do have the confidence, the passion, and the desire to attack this game of life, and have that because “HE” has been there faithfully and because of his faithfulness we have made progress! 

Dear Amy, the kids continue to be involved in softball, baseball, basketball, football, volleyball amongst other things.  Gunnar was so excited to perform in his third-grade musical and the kids enjoyed going to the high school musical and plays this year.  Gunnar was an alligator in the play, I ordered a costume for him, but got a dinosaur one instead, and it was too small.  Your mom said, I got this, I learned from my daughter.  She immediately ordered the perfect alligator costume in every size they had to ensure we had the right one.  I guess your “budgeting” techniques have rubbed off.  The kids show so much creativity and some artistic ability despite my genetics.  According to conferences last month I think the kids are on track to move forward a grade and I have read at least one school to home note a month (ish). Crew went on a cadet campout with grandpa and loved it.  I totally wanted to go with him and show off my outdoorsmen, rough it, I am man hear me roar, mentality.  But I generously let Grandpa do it.  Maybe next year…… or on second thought, I don’t think I should take that joy away from my Dad…...  Rylin shares your passion for nursery and religiously volunteers at church and has recently been able to help “babysit” Wyatt!  Not a day goes by without them remembering how perfectly you mothered them, and I see you in them every day!

Oh yea, I am 46 years old, according to my Mom I am overdue for a certain procedure.  I called and lined up an appointment to get my butt checked, hope you can appreciate that.   I cannot wait.

With Love,

Scott, Rylin, Gunnar, Crew.