Happy Monday Y'ALL!

Some of yall may have seen my post last night and were so confused.  I apologize.  I have been sick and when I posted it was under the use of some strong cough meds and fatigue.  I deleted the post and am going to re-write it now with hopefully much more clarity.  :) 
  I received my MRI results from the neurosurgeon last Wednesday. All good news. Dr. Beshay did not see anything concerning.  There is some edema remaining but he expects this to resolve on its own with time.  He also wants me to repeat the imaging in 3 months instead of 6. If that imaging comes back clear, we can space out to 6 months.  He does want me to continue with the same MRI, the one I DESPISE, and gives me the worse anxiety.  I might have to ask for Xanax. 
  Meningioma can regrow. Dr. Beshay is concerned about this happening with regard to the venous structure of my brain. Basically, he wants to catch it early enough to be able to do radiation and avoid surgery.  He said we were lucky the first time to avoid hitting the vein and avoiding stroke but doesn't want to risk it again. 
   All in all good news. 

 I had not shared the information because I have been dealing with Post Traumatic Stress. This does differ from PTSD which is more severe. I knew going into these checkups was going to cause anxiety. I, however, was not expecting to relive the feelings we had in September. I was reliving the fear of death, of abandoning my babies and husband. The image of my husband hurting and doubting what life is going to look like, my daughter scared I will not wake up from surgery. I was reliving how scared I was in the hospital from the seizures.  
The last 2 weeks of appointments were hard and this healing process is so much more than physical. 
 I am incredibly aware of how blessed we are. "God provided all the perfect answers to all our prayers. Everything we went through over this last year could have been SO much worse." I keep repeating these words to myself and even to others. I can't let this be my way of dealing with this the whole thing though. By saying this constantly it's as if I am telling myself I don't have a right to feel affected. I know this, yet I struggle with it. 
  I will forever be worried about the cancer returning, no matter the treatment.  I will forever be worried about the brain tumor returning and being malignant.  These are certainties. What is also certain is my faith God will see us through and has a plan. I will walk this journey with Him and share unabashedly His love for us and the strength He gives us to carry us through the damn near impossible.

Psalm 144:1
"Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle"

P.S.- My first day back at work was GREAT!