this blog is a little old, but that's alright. will update y'all again soon. don't worry, things have gotten better since i last wrote this. just working has been stressful. and i wanted to wait till things got better before writing again and hopefully posting this will push me to do so. i am working out some ideas hehe.

05/18

heyyy everyone. 

hope you have all been doing well. i have been trying to heal, and as we all know (or should know) healing is hard. 

while a lot has happened, some things just still haven’t changed. it’s been about a month since i last wrote. it's the new moon again, and i guess it’s time for me to release some negative energy. 

not being able to take care of yourself fucking sucks. and it’s not only hard on yourself but those around you. my fatigue isn’t too bad anymore but i can’t lift anything heavy still and bending up and down. while i can do one of my least favorite chores, dishes, cooking is hard for me, i can’t do laundry or clean the cat litter boxes more. 

there’s a quote that i’ve heard before, but karamo brown from queer eye said in an episode from season 7 said it and brought it back to the front of my mind: it’s not a matter of IF you get disabled, it’s a matter of WHEN. 

disability is something that can ebb and flow, for instance i was disabled briefly from breaking my foot. and now i am chronically disabled. 

something my therapist said the other day has also has been ringing true, is that andie and i are in this weird stage of my healing journey in which we need help with such small tasks it’s almost pointless to ask for help but damn would it make our lives easier. 

i know, personally, that whenever i am feeling better, i forget the simple luxuries of what it means to be able to actually cook myself a meal or go run and get groceries myself. (something i need to be more conscious of.) like should i be looking into laundry and more delivery service stuff? i even find myself asking “am i doing enough to help myself?” 

and honestly, i have also recently been reminded of what it’s like to go through med withdrawals and been reminded how disabling mental illnesses can be as well. 

this week, my psychiatrist took me off of one of my anxiety meds because it wasn’t allowing the other meds to be as effective as possible. 

so my anxiety has manifested itself into a monster this week. hoping i can get control of it again soon but who knows. it’s just so overwhelming some days how hard we have to fight to stay alive in what is supposed to be one of the best times to be alive. we as a people have so much knowledge and resources and we literally used it to let computers think and do art while humans work themselves into the ground. 

i’ve been screaming in the shower and that hasn’t helped. but damn did it feel good. and sometimes that’s all we can do. 

hoping my stitches will stop poking me endlessly.

05/21 

well, to start, we have the fact that my stitches are still poking me endlessly. 

joking but not joking, there is this one that is like under my skin but not breaking through. they’re dissolvable so i am not sure if it was always like this because it wasn’t something i really wanted to touch and inspect until recently. 

it’s something i fixate on daily. 

poking.

prodding. 

adjusting. 

to see if i change it ever so slightly it begins to poke through. i have probably been inspecting at it for at least a week, if not longer. i can’t wait until i am finally rid of these. i wrote a poem about them even. it’s not finished but maybe i can’t finish the poem until i exorcize the microplastics from my body. or maybe i have to finish the poem in order to exorcize them. i am not sure yet, but i will let you know when i do. 

other things i have had the privilege of doing lately are as follows (in no real particular order):

• seeing laura jane grace in concert 

• seeing waterparks in concert

• going to a craft fair

• watching jennifer’s body with two people who’d never seen it before (shout out to andie and jaclyn)

• i got to read lots of books

• gone to the beach multiple times 

i am hoping this week is going to be a better one.