I cannot believe that it's already October and that it's been a whole year since starting Chemo treatments. It's also Breast Cancer Awareness month, which prompted me to make this update. Last year feels like a lifetime ago, but also feels like just yesterday. It's a weird time in my life trying to figure out what it's like to be "normal" and what does "normal" even mean now. I know I've mentioned that before, but I'm realizing the post treatment life is actually really hard, and no one really talks about it or prepares you for that. The doctors/nurses are so involved when you are diagnosed, through surgeries, and while you are in treatment, checking in on you constantly, but when you're done they just say "see you in 6 months!". Which is great to not be at appointments at the hospital every other week, but mentally I feel like I should be. And the fear of recurrence is real and scary. Zach and I recently finished a book called "Between Two Kingdoms"- it's about a young woman who was diagnosed with Leukemia and her journey from diagnosis on. Although our cancer types were different, it felt so relatable and I kept saying to myself "yes, I know exactly how that feels". Zach also could relate to the caregiver's perspective, which I think was helpful for us both to read. Zach (and other family members) had to do so much to care for me and Noah during treatments and I don't think I thanked them enough for being so selfless and loving! The story about how and where I found this book is pretty cool. I was scrolling Facebook Marketplace as I usually do and this book came up on my recently added items. Now, I'm not really a reader, so for a book to pop up on my feed was kind of unusual. I clicked on it because the cover looked cool and I read what it was about. I thought I'd give it a read, it looked interesting enough! So I wrote the seller and told her I was excited to read it because I recently finished my cancer treatments and could possibly relate to the book. I pick up the book and when I get home I find a card inside the cover. It was a lovely handwritten note from the seller and a Target gift card. The note said  something like "I can't imagine what you went through being pregnant with Cancer and having to be a new mom while going through treatments. Treat yourself to something fun. You got this, Mama." I get emotional just thinking about the kindness of absolute strangers. About a month later, Zach was talking to his friend Nate on the phone (who had Leukemia in his teens) and he asked if I had read a book called "Between Two Kingdoms" and recommended it to us. This made Zach want to read it, too! How cool is God. I don't believe in coincidences, but I do believe in a God who can work in any situation! I'm really grateful for the people he has placed in our lives. People who have gone through similar journeys, our families, friends, church community, neighbors. We are blessed beyond measure.

My physical symptoms are improving and I'm so thankful for that. There are a few lingering things that I wonder if it's from treatment, the medication I'm on now (Tamoxifen), or just from being a mom, haha. Fatigue, not being able to think of the right word when trying to explain something or when talking to someone (which is now a running joke in our house!), headaches, sore joints & muscles, mood changes & irritability, just to name a few :) But I think it's harder mentally for me than the physical/tangible things. I was talking to Zach about this recently and he said that it's very obvious for people to SEE where there is a need (after having a baby and going through chemo, etc) and to offer help, but when everything seems fine and treatments end, they assume you don't need the help unless you ask. I am terrible at asking for help and want to think I can do it all myself, which I'm working on, but it can make me feel like I should be able to pick up where I left off pre-cancer. I know that I need to also give myself grace in this season (and always) to just be present as a wife and mom and thank God that he brought me through a cancer diagnosis. I love my life and feel so grateful for absolutely everything. And thank you to all of you who have offered help or who have given up a morning to just spend time with me! It's been an amazing transition to becoming a stay at home mom, but it doesn't come without its challenges. I do not want to come off like I'm being ungrateful or that I'm complaining about this season, but I also think it's ok to be real, honest, and vulnerable about the fact that it's hard sometimes!

I had my first round of follow up appointments in August and they thought they saw something pop up on the MRI. Which wow, MRI's are not fun! So after getting those results I had to go in for a mammogram and ultrasound to rule out anything serious. Those days in-between were really tough, all the thoughts running through my head of "will I have to go through all of this again?". The fear of recurrence is hard to not think about, but I also want to trust the Lord with what my future holds. I may not know what will happen in 1, 5, or 10 years from now, but he does, and he will carry us through like he did before (whether it's the outcome we desire or not). So after the ultrasound, the radiologist said she couldn't see on the imaging what the MRI showed, which was confusing to everyone. She just suggested to follow up again in 6 months with another MRI to make sure whatever lit up is gone or has gotten smaller. I had an appointment a few weeks later to meet with my oncologist, but again, the waiting is the hardest part. When we met with her, she didn't even bring up the MRI/ultrasound results, we had to ask about it, which means it obviously wasn't of concern to her! When she looked at the results, she reassured us that it's a good thing they didn't see anything on the ultrasound and that MRI's are very precise and can sometimes show too much, even the slightest inflammation. I know there is always a chance the cancer could return, but I'm trying not to live with that fear. 

Ok, that was a lot about what has been difficult and hard the last few months, but I want to share what I've been learning and some of the good, too! Recently, I've been involved in different bible studies and conversations that have been focused on suffering and trials and how we should see God's goodness and sovereignty through them, even if you don't see it right in the moment. Learning from Ruth and Naomi, we should have grateful hearts towards the Lord because he gives us so much. He gives us peace, grace, love, compassion, and salvation through him. We've been talking a lot about how the things we "want" might not be the things that we "need". But HE knows what we need and he will give us those things. Zach and I are still blown away and encouraged by all of you who have loved us so well. Our needs were met above and beyond what we could have imagined. We cannot thank you enough for the ways you have shown your care and love - We see God's love through you. I'm also reminded that everyone has something hard they are going through and how important community is! 

I'm not sure how often I'll update on here, but when there is something to share or that I think warrants a caring bridge post, I will :) Please continue to pray for my mind and that the anxiety and fear of what's next wouldn't get in the way of seeing the goodness of God and his love towards us. Pray for Zach as he is also getting back to normal after a year of craziness. And pray for us as we make decisions about a future baby and the timing around that with my medication and advice from the doctors. We trust that the Lord knows  the future of our family, but just pray for our hearts that we would really believe that and know that even if we aren't able to have another baby, He is still good. Our family is perfect the way it is, and I'm so thankful.

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"When we turn to God, he opens our eyes and shows us hidden treasures of darkness that we might know him (Isaiah 45:3). But since our vision is limited in the dark, we need to be purposeful about where we focus. If we view life through the lens of pain and discouragement, we will focus on all that is wrong and difficult. We will see our problems more than God’s provision. We will see our loneliness more than God’s presence. We will fixate more on our fears than on God’s promises.

What lens are you viewing your life through? Are you asking God for supernatural sight as you focus on him? Are you looking at the obstacles in front of you, or are you beholding the God who can move mountains? Are you trusting in your ability to fix the situation, or are you entrusting yourself to the God who commands the dawn? Are you focusing on what you don’t have, or are you centered on the fact that our God owns the cattle on a thousand hills?

What we look at and focus on will change us. As we behold the Lord Jesus, he will transform us (2 Corinthians 3:18), but if we concentrate on our fears, they will consume us. If we put God’s steadfast love before our eyes (Psalm 26:3), then we will see his presence, protection, and provision more than we see our problems. He will delight us with Scripture even in our deepest affliction. We will rest in his protection, knowing he goes before us and will fight for us. We will see his marvelous provision, sending manna from heaven and water from a rock. We will know that he is with us, as our spiritual eyes will see our Teacher (Isaiah 30:20).

And as we walk by faith and not by sight, relying on what we know to be true rather than what we see, we will not be disappointed. “For we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18)."

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-sight-that-changes-suffering?fbclid=IwAR2MB-fYh9wXttDlJZHYDHYFdDa2TE5uc3yS97_EabbVJX_j0wkiLqT35E0

**Thank you to Kira Bassler for taking our family photos :)