It has been 3 months since Alpha’s funeral service, so I think it’s time for an update.  I waited a few months hoping I would have some perspective, but I can’t be sure whether I have that or not. 

First of all, thanks to the many people who came to Alpha’s service at Pacific View.  It is natural and common to cry at a service, but I also tried to put in some lighter moments – mostly via some stories about Alpha and me.  I hope I managed to do that, even if I did mess up one of the punch lines.

Second, thanks for all the cards and gifts that people sent.  There were over 200 cards and gifts, so I apologize for not thanking people individually. As I said at the service, some of the handwritten words on the cards moved me to tears. 

Third, thank you for all the donations to the Guild for Infant Survival and to Relay for Life.  

As for how we are doing, I generally answer that with a lukewarm “Ok”.  Someone said to me today, “I know that ‘ok’, because I say it a lot, too. It means you’re doing the best you can.” And she was right. 

A month ago I talked to another widower who lost his wife after 30+ years of marriage.  He [Adam] said it was like “only half of you was there and the other half was missing”.  That is the best description I have heard for how I felt.  

After 36+ years of marriage, the division of labor and responsibility is so ingrained, it is unconscious.  And the feeling of loss pervades your entire life.  It is not just the dreams and plans that go unshared, but also the little everyday conversations. In many ways, Alpha was the "glue" that held the family together.

Adam also said that you are never prepared for the actual death, even if it is not sudden.  And that was true for me too.  With all of Alpha’s recoveries from near-death scenarios, I subconsciously thought we had more time. 

But life goes on for each of us.  At first the focus was to get through the next day and the next week, e.g. planning the service, cleaning some stuff out of the house, keeping my performance commitments for the groups that I play in, etc.  I do okay focusing on the next week or two.  I have trouble with longer term planning – meaning it just doesn’t get done.  Maybe it’s an avoidance mechanism.  Hopefully, it will improve. 

As for the kids, Jackie is graduating from UCSD in June with a double major in chemical engineering and math & computer science.  [I know it sounds like 3 majors, but the math & computer science is 1 major.] 

She has accepted a job with Bechtel Corp. in Charleston, SC to train Navy personnel on nuclear reactor maintenance.  Of course, first they have to teach her about nuclear reactors!  She has 6 months of class work and another 6 months of hands-on training to get certified.  She just submitted her application for a DoD security clearance. It will probably take 2-3 months for the clearance, and she won’t start until the clearance is granted. 

Joanna just received her masters in library science from San Jose State University.  [It was an on-line program, so she lived at home.]  She is looking for librarian jobs now, but in the meantime still works at the Anaheim Public Library as a clerk.

This will probably be my last post to Alpha’s Caring Bridge site.  To paraphrase someone else’s Caring Bridge post after their spouse passed away: This site was about Alpha’s story and now that she is gone, it doesn’t seem like the right vehicle to talk about the kids and me.  

So I wish everyone well, and thank you again for your support to Alpha and us over the last 2+ years.

--ddoo