Today is May 13th, 2022. It's been two years since The Crash. A friend of mine asked me "does it feel like it's been that long?" I think my answer is both yes and no. On the one hand, I am finally in a place where my recovery from The Crash does not consume all my energy (which I am SO GRATEFUL for). It's been a long slog to get to that point, which I think makes The Crash feel like a long time ago. At the same time, my accident still feels like part of the present, so surely it couldn't have happened two whole years ago, right? 

Here are some unorganized reflections and updates because trying to summarize the last seven months (how did I seriously go seven months without posting anything on here?!) of my life feels too daunting and arduous:

- I've stopped going to voice therapy. In part because I wasn't making much progress anymore but mostly because I didn't have the energy to keep making myself do my exercises. I think I'd like to try again someday, but I still don't have the drive for it right now. I do still get angry or sad sometimes about things that my voice can no longer do. Cheering and singing are the two things I find most frustrating. 

- Sometimes I feel robbed by all the time and energy I had to put into recovery rather than all the cool adventures I had planned for myself post-teaching. I know that most people experienced this to some degree because of the pandemic; I'm not the only one whose life was disrupted. But I had a double whammy of disruptions. 

Other times I judge and shame myself for all the things I had planned and still haven't done. Or just generally struggle to not feel like a lame-o. 

- When I reflect on my post-Crash journey, I can see lots of ways that journey has shaped me. For a very long time I could only identify negative things. I would get downright pissed off whenever anyone tried to point out some positive aspect or imply that in the end I'd be stronger or some shit like that. I once wrote in my journal something like:

What are three things I've gained from this experience?

1. Buncha

2. Fucking

3. Scars

There are still certainly things that I don't like or wish I wouldn't have had to go through. My accident only worsened the sense that I never get to be free from physical pain and ailments. (Since my last post I've endured a freakish months-long outburst of hives, many bouts of back pain, a wrist injury called "intersection syndrome," and several other physical frustrations.) Sometimes I've thought what could I have done to warrant all this pain?  (Thank you Western society for teaching me that it must be my fault!) The Crash introduced all sorts of new fears and generally eroded my confidence in myself, my body, and the world. It made me feel like an unattractive or even gross, repulsive being. It's taken a lot of time, dance, human connection, etc. to unravel that. I could keep going about all the crappy things. But even with all of that, and thanks to lots of therapy, I've also grown to be much more accepting of myself and of life in general. I have so much more compassion for myself than I used to, and I know that ripples out into how I interact with others as well. I'm gentler. I might be more patient. And I still have fantastic eyebrows, which is what really matters. 

- I'm working as an interpreter (and have been since November)! And I really like it! And it's not draining and stressful! And I'm pretty good at it! And I don't beat myself up for all the things I can improve on!

- I'm still living in Harrisonburg, which I have entirely mixed feelings about. But mostly I do love my little Friendly City and my little house community and my cozy/tiny bedroom and the life I've created here in The Valley. 

- I went to Guatemala for three weeks and it was all kinds of wonderful, mostly in ways that I didn't expect. 

Thank you so much for all the ways you all have supported me over the past two years!

If any of you wishes to celebrate/commemorate my Crash-aversary with me, it would be really meaningful to me if you: (a) 🤳🏻 called your local elected official asking them to support universal healthcare or (b) 🚲 went on a bike ride (while wearing a helmet!!!) and sent me a picture.  

p.s. I can't figure out how to caption the photos so here are the captions:

1. No more full face helmet! I bought a new helmet back in March and am so glad to not have to wear the other one anymore. 

2. Wow. Them's some nice eyebrows.

3. My current housemates, back at Christmas. I will dearly miss them when we all have to move out at the end of May. 

4. Me posing before my first day of interpreting.

5. Me midway up a steep-ass mountain in Guatemala (which eventually gave me altitude sickness which was super not fun but still a super cool experience overall).