So, update time!

It seems that being down for the count and unable to exercize due to the surgery on my feet really knocked me backwards. Even when I was back on my feet and able to move and get my heart rate up, I still felt really vulnerable and weak. It was a full four steps backwards after one forward.

In June, my depression dropped really low. I ended up calling the crisis line while I sat in my car sobbing outside the grocery store. I was on hold with them for 22 minutes before I hung up and drove home. No human ever answered the line.

Kelly did his best to help me out, I couldn't get any counselling appointments because they were fully booked each month or would have to reschedule. And I couldn't seem to get in to any walk-in clinics.

So, July rolled around and I still had a loud voice in my head telling me that I was worthless and should just drown myself in the tub instead of washing my hair. At that point, I got another blood draw done and headed over to my oncologist.

Dr. Szeto asked me how I was, and I told him that I had been very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. He was quite surprised, especially since I think he'd actually been referencing how I felt lymphoma-wise but I thought he was just asking about my health in general.

We got through the usual check up. Blood work still looked good. But he asked me to remain in the room while he looked in to something.  He came back after talking to his colleagues (general practitioners) and asked if I'd be willing to go down to the emergency room and check myself in to the psych ward.

I was reticent. I admit, I was worried they'd just label me unfit and lock me up. I have people to care for and work. I told him my concerns and he reassured me. He was going to call down to the ward and let them know to expect me and they would fast track me. He said it would probably take 6 weeks, but that if I got a referral through a walk-in clinic even that day it would likely take me at least 8 weeks to be seen.

He said that he know how often the system had failed me in the last year and he didn't want to see me fall between the cracks. I said I'd go directly over.

When I left, he called after me and said, "I'll see you at the next appointment."
I nodded, but he called again and said, "Really, the next appointment."
I smiled when I finally clued in to what he meant. I said, "I promise. I'll see you in a few months at the next appointment!"

I went down and was checked-in at emergency. The usual:

Wait in the line of red chairs. Get called up. Name, card, date of birth, address and phone number check, confirm emergency contact and number, confirm family doctor and let them know that her office is still accepting documents for safe keeping but that she is not practicing currently.

The clerk seemed quite surprised that I was so calm when I told her that I was suicidal and my oncologist had called ahead to the psych ward. But, really, I was still worried that I was making a mistake. Would I be able to leave once I was in the system? Would I be labelled a certain way now that it was on my health file?

They put the heart and oxygen monitor on me while they check my blood pressure.
Back to the rows of blue chairs behind the red.

The other patients around me were surprised when within a minute someone called my name and ushered me through the big double doors.

They led me down a corridor with a number of heavy doors that needed to be unlocked and they locked behind us. I handed over my purse, cellphone, and tea mug since I was informed that the latter "could be used as a weapon".

The unit clerk was nice though and poured it in to a paper cup for me. It was luke warm anyways so it wasn't a problem.

I sat in one of the chair quietly for I don't know how long. There are no clocks in there but the walls have painting of the silhouette of trees which is nice. Some areas had first nations designs on them. Everything was bolted down and there was only one other person there - they were snoring in their chair and under their blanket fort.

He eventually woke up and started yelling, wanting his boots back. The nurses had put them in a locker for him since they weighed more than 5 pounds each and could also be a weapon. He put on quite a show complaining that the last time he was in there he was forced to do things or that a doctor did something like make him use his phone. It was all nonsensical and loud.

The clerks were very polite but firm behind their solid safety glass walls. Their locked workspace was shaped as a hexagon. They chatter among st themselves, nothing gossip worthy, but not always work related either. They shared snacks and the best places to eat nearby.

Finally someone collected me and we sat down in a small room. I went to pull back a chair to sit down and it must've weight 50lbs. There was no lifting it, I had to drag it.
It was an uncomfortable conversation. The psychiatrist needled me about things I was uncomfortable with but eventually gave me a half-dose prescription for Escitalopram and told me someone from USTAT would be in contact with me.

I was sent home with my belongings, the prescription, and some brochures.
I stopped at the pharmacy on the way home and took it that night. Within a few days I already felt much much better.

The USTAT people actually called me the next day to set up an appointment a few days later.
I came in and met with their counsellor and a psychiatrist. Teresa and Dr. Korn (whose name I always accidentally spell as Khorne in my calendar). They half-dose had done well with no noticeable side effects so I was upped to the full dose and given a new prescription.

Amusingly though, the first time I took it was at the pharmacy. And by the time I got home, a 1-2 minute drive, it felt like my whole body was moving through pudding. I was so tired and slow. I got out of the car just in time and Kelly had to slowly walk me in to the house. Turns out I am one of the few for whom it is a sedative instead of an upper. So, only at bedtime now.

The counsellor and I met ever couple of weeks. It became apparent that the escitalopram had completely killed my libido. I mean gone gone. I had been so depressed before that I didn't think I had one, but this was really and truly zero. I was for all intents and purposes Asexual. Honestly, at that point, after a month, I didn't care. Finally, I wasn't a miserable lump. The most trivial things didn't make me angry. Tasks were not a big deal. I was excited to sort laundry and put it all away finally.

So, they decided to add in Buproprion Hydrochloride (wellbutrin) to counteract that or to replace it. But, I would have to be on it for a full month before I could start weaning off the escitalopram.
Things bounced back. But, at the half dose of buproprion I had the side effect of a sort of vertigo. Not quite vertigo. More like, I wasn't sure where the edges of my body were and I sometimes felt like I was tipping in one direction or another. I'd got to reach for the cupboard knob but miss it by a few centimeters. Thankfully, by the time the week was up it had settled down.

When I started the full dose, I was nervous that the feeling would double too but there was no change at all. And I was even happier and more energetic. Noises didn't bother me or overwhelm me anymore.

During all of that, I postponed my doctor approved mindfulness program in town (it's a serious commitment that you have to pay for and attend for hours each week). Instead, I joined a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course in Westshore. It's for two hours every Thursday and my work graciously lets me work from home on those days. It began in September and is set to continue until mid December.  Each class is really helpful and allows me to restock my toolkit instead of trying to make-do with my old tools. Sort of like how if you used to have to regularly have a mechanics tool kit, but now you work in equestrian sports. Sure, you were great with a wrench when that was what was needed, but now you need to learn how to use the brushes properly in order to succeed in this new environment.

I feel like I've done really well in it. I review my notes in the evening after each class and always complete my homework as best I can. We report in on our homework's successes and failures and discuss better options for next time.

So, last week I started weaning off of the first SSRI and my poor sleep went from a crumy 6 hours to three and a half. On Thursday night, I was on hour 31 of not sleeping. It wasn't the worst insomnia I'd ever had, but certainly the worst as an adult. Thankfully, last night I managed to sleep nine hours. Tonight, I'll begin the first day no escitalopram. We'll see how it goes.

I've been really grouchy and negative all week. I even had a... not a panic attack, more like a nervous fit? Anyways, I had to sit in a quiet area and breathe two separate times before I got it together. Serendipitous, we worked on an anxiety subsection the next day in class. I'm hoping that these feeling are just from the lack of sleep and that the wellbutrin will hold up.

I asked how long I would need to stay on the wellbutrin before we consider weaning me off of it as well and the psychiatrist said that it is recommended patients stay on it for a year. So, we'll see how it goes.

They also said that it wouldn't be problematic for me to start taking escitalopram again, if I was having trouble off of it, since they're often taken together. But, I decided to stop taking it originally because of the first side effect and because together I'm at risk of seizures. So far no seizures though!

What else?  I've been attending the West Coast College of Massage Therapy as a cancer patient. They charge me $14 for a 40 minute massage and the students take turns helping me work out a charlie horse, giving me stretches to do at home, and generally helping me out with my spinal pain while I try to get my core back in to shape (It's been really bad these last few weeks which made sleep even harder!).

So, there we are. You're all caught up on me health wise.

Work and social wise:

Work is going well, I'm really optimistic and am looking forward to getting our license from Health Canada soon and opening the cannabis processing facility!

Socially, I'm still a bit of hermit but Kelly went out to a dance class with me which was a lot of fun. It's really nice to be able to interact with my coworkers every day. AND I joined a DnD game online that meets every two weeks which has been a lot of fun (I foiled an invasion of dwarves and a dragon by complimenting them and piquing the dragon's interest - They all got to have fancy tea and left happily).

We're going the visit Dagger Deep tomorrow and say hello to some friends as well. So, all in all, things are looking up!

I even had the patience to take the pup for a walk to the mailbox today :)