This has without a shadow of a doubt, been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure.  Not necessarily because of the physical effects, but I've lost time I didn't have to spare and there has been collateral damage.  On the upside, I've met some amazing new people along the way and I can't even find the words to express how humble I am at the kindness of others, the steady stream of gifts, cards, flowers, help, support that just kept coming and looking back, I would not have been able to get through this with my "village".  It's too much to even list, the rides for Billy (even from strangers), the help at the house, the appointments, the meals, even the baby shower for Beth, which could not have happened without a small army.....just everything has helped.

I've seen death close up, through work, I lost many clients and even staff, I saw Paul take on this battle and lose, I went though every step with him, saw his bravery, his fight his determination and without a doubt, he inspired me.  I think I'm naturally somewhat of a fighter and I fought for him, I've fought for my kids and now, ultimately I've fought for me.  I'm battle scarred and ready for peace, thats my hope for moving forward, I'll happily fight for friends, for strangers but for me personally, I need peace.  

When I saw the surgeon before the operation, she said the scar tissue from previous surgeries (when I was a teen) could be an issue, that turned out to be an understatement.  

I went into surgery and my friends who were there said the doctor saw them after and said all went well and that I could probably even go home that night, apparently I even saw my friends and asked if it was too early for a starbucks...so my humor was intact at that point, I of course have no memory of this, but kinda sounds like something I might say!!

Apparently by the time they took me to a room, my blood pressure had dropped through the floor and I was a lovely pale shade of grey.  All I remember was looking at Kelly and saying "I can't breathe", it was frightening in a desperate way, pure fear.  The long story short was 5 days in hospital, it's debatable if I should have even come home or not when I did.  I had several CT scans, xrays, 3 units of blood and a ton of medications and treatments for this, that and the other. I was black and blue and had one bruise that was so big and black on my side, it looked like i'd been kicked by a horse, felt like it too!!!!  What happened was when she removed the scar tissue to perform the hysterectomy, it caused a small consistent bleed that formed into three hematoma's (blood clots), one was significantly big enough to need the blood transfusion. The pain and shoving around caused my lungs to start collapsing (atelectasis), needless to say to it was rough.  When I came home, I was still breathless, couldn't get up by myself, needed help with the loo so without Beth I would have been up the creek without a paddle AGAIN!!!!!

Since then, it's just waiting to heal, slower than I'd have liked but the complications did that, I can still barely stand up straight!  I've had one lot of drainage tubes out and hopefully, with luck (not the middle name I'm claiming right now) I'll have the other two out tomorrow. The bruising has almost gone, the swelling is going down each day and then I guess life can slowly start to begin again. I can't wait, I'm not good at being down.

On the upside, I have cute little boobs and I literally came out of hospital with caterpillars above my eyes and little eyelashes, both are growing like weeds......at last!!!!!!  Beth dyed my hair so it's not grey anymore, if one more person assumed I was 70, well I was already switching between floods of tears and rage.....the gyne asked me if I was feeling homicidal or suicidal, I laughed as thought she was joking, nope she was serious.  I have not endured all of this to take my own life (have WAY too much to live for) nor do I have any desire to see in the inside of an American or any other jail thank you!

I have cried A LOT, cried at kindness, cried with pain and frustration and I think much of that is down to hormones but some of it has just HIT me...hard, I think I pushed through it all like a train and just wanted to be on the other side, now I'm almost there, the emotions of having danced with death is real.  I truly get why people call themselves a survivor, it is a battle that until you have endured it, you just can't imagine what it's like, the pain, the side effects, the fear, the damage is real.  I already have a PVC (when your heart skips a beat), a constant risk of lymphedema (where the arm can swell 3 times it's normal size because of the amount of lymph node removal)  Osteopenia where the new bone doesn't grow as fast as old bone deteriorates and thats before I even start taking the new medication, which comes with it's own scary side effects for TEN YEARS!!!!! Can't wait......

I'm done, I'm over it and I'll never know if being so aggressive was worth it, but I never want to go through this again, I want to live and start a new life, I want to spend many years with my kids, see my grandkids grown up, start another business, keep working on the pay it forward bags and help others.....sounds like a beauty pageant speech, but I mean it, so hopefully the journey, stubbornness and hard work is all worth it.

The irony is, Beth has been around to take care of me and as she slows down, I should gather momentum and be fit enough to take over, I need to be fit to be her birthing partner and having been one before, it's a lot of work...at the true end of this journey, we'll hopefully have a new home, new baby, new health and truly get the new start we all need. As I said earlier, there has been collateral damage to everyone, it has taken it's toll of every single one of my family.  I hope I have shown them determination and strength, as well as the unfortunate side of vulnerability and needing a village at time of need and not being too proud to ask or accept it.  Doing this without Paul has been hard, you shouldn't need your kids to see and do some of the things mine have, but I hope when we're laughing and doing things in the future, it will have all been worth it.

A friend sent me a check for $250 for the pay it forward bags, it's something I might ask for help with now and then as it's such a personal gift, lots of little things to help and know that someone thought of "you", so if you feel like jumping in at any point, I'd like to keep going with these as long as we can make it happen.

I hope this all makes sense and now, all I have left is check up's and a nice new pair of boobs sometime next year.  I think I'll still cry and that's ok, so once again I'll end with a thank you from the bottom of my heart and hope that next time I see you, with my eyebrows, lashes, hair and a smile, you'll know that you made a difference and touched my heart in a way i'll always remember.....thank you.

Lots of love

Just Julie xxxx